Zach: Oddly at peace

So I'm here, sitting in the airport. I got about two hours of sleep, and I am oddly at peace.

My flight won't start boarding for another thirty-five minutes or so, so I just have to kill time, but I don't know, I'm okay with it.

I've been kinda stressed about my life for a while, but right now, it doesn't really matter.

I've been thinking about the things that are important in my life, and the things that it feels like I will never have, and I have broken down crying more times in the last two months than I have in the six years prior. I've had some help with all of the stuff going on, but most of it I have dealt with on my own, which has always been okay.

Last night I couldn't sleep. Not because I was nervous about the flight or anything, but because I was staying up, thinking about how I want my life to be different, I thought about boarding a plane to Korea, or Japan today instead of going back to California (I really need to break the habit of calling that place home, cause it sure as hell doesn't feel like it anymore[don't get me wrong, I love you guys, and I miss you all terribly, but I just can't take it anymore]). I feel like I just need to do something for myself, something completely selfish, because I feel so empty most of the time.

I feel kinda broken. Like I've given all of myself, and I have nothing left that's me, and I need something that is just for me, no one else. That is what going to Korea or Japan would be. I really want to go to Korea, and learn korean (although just spontaneously flying there probably wouldn't be the best way to learn the language) and I think it would be awesome to go to Japan and see my friends that just left (I miss them a lot already).

One of the main reasons I am not doing it is because I don't exactly have the money at hand, and I don't want to ruin my credit. I thought about it. A one way ticket there is a little less than a thousand dollars, and my credit limit is 1000, so that is fine, and I could pay that off with money is an account I have in Merced. A round trip tick though is over 1000, and I don't have that in an accessible account and it is over my credit limit. Rawr. I just want to go. Away. I need it.

I do get a little time to recover though. I get to come back early. The sixth! I get to be back at my apartment on the sixth. And I will see Beth that day for sure, and probably Andrew. Then they will go on choir tour, and they will get back from that right before everyone else gets back for school and we are going to go ice skating. I am excited!

But yes. That is basically my life right now.

Being in this airport though, I am oddly at peace.

Anna: Howdy-do

*EDIT: So I wrote this waay back during Thanksgiving weekend, fyi. For some reason I can't post to Blogger on my laptop. :(
____________________________________________________

I realized I haven't posted here since August. Wow. Feels like a lifetime ago. I think it goes without saying that this term has been crazy busy for me....my entire life is comprised of running around campus trying to do ten million things at once. This weekend is the first prolonged relaxation time I've had in...a while. President of Model UN + 16 credits = insanity. AND I'M DOING IT AGAIN NEXT TERM. I don't know how to explain myself, other than I need to finish in four years. Period. I could, theoretically, take less work-intensive course loads, but I wouldn't finish all my credits in time.

I'm also seriously considering/half decided on law school. Shoot me now. And I've realized that I can't talk about my future hopes and dreams without either a) boring people to death or b) igniting a political fight. "So yeah, maritime, human rights, and humanitarian laws just fascinate me, and how about those fascist bastards in government?" Great ice breakers there.

I'm still freaking out about all my usual worries, but I've resigned myself to the fact that they just won't go away ever. Right now, I just want to focus on the last two weeks of Fall term and then spending a whole damn month in the snow wonderland of Utica NY. And by snow wonderland, I mean the warm indoors where my family is. Seriously, I have no idea what to do with snow. I've only ever been exposed to about 2 inches at a time.

I'm listening to Band of Horses right now, and I'm having one of those moments where I just ask myself, "HOW is it possible for such beautiful fucking music to exist??" Know what I mean?

Also, I miss you guys. Since I'm not there for Thanksgiving (nothing new) and won't be for Christmas (sadface), I wanted to leave a little blurb to let you know that I am still active on this blog, and I love you guys and I do like sharing mundane details about my life with you. Like how I'm officially tired of Portland, and a good portion of the West Coast in general. I've got this thing where I get restless after a couple years and need to move on. Going on year three here, I need to leave. All I'm seeing is the negative about this place. But that's another discussion for another time, I guess.

I hope you guys had a good Thanksgiving and will have a fantastic Christmas.

Love.

Zach: I like 2 am... well almost three

So.

I'm up late. For no reason whatsoever. I even convinced Lauren to go to church at 10 in the morning with me because we shouldn't spend all morning sleeping. Boy was I stupid.

I actual thought that I might go to sleep when I got back to my apartment at midnight. Then I remembered that I have a computer, and the internet exists.

So I have been watching youtube for hours, and then spent time editing videos both for myself and for other people. This is because I have become really fascinated by vlogging. That's not really true though. I am not fascinated. I just really want to do it. I think it would be a whole lot of fun. So I'm going to.

I've already got a youtube and all kinds of stuff. I'm just gonna start vlogging. Which I am sure I am gonna feel pretty stupid doing it at first, because heck, I'm just gonna be recording myself talking to, well, me. But I figured that I have so much fun leaving videos to other people, and I have so much fun watching videos of other vloggers, that I might be able to do this.

But yes. I think I am going to vlog.

In other news:

School is pretty easy this year. I feel like I'm not doing anything because, well, I'm not really. I go to classes, and I turn in assignments(most of them anyway) but I am taking a super easy class load, and there isn't much homework (although I should be practicing my clarinet which I'm not because I am dropping clarinet next semester and switching to percussion).

Social things are going okay I guess. Some people think I am a control freak attention whore because I like to plan parties and I don't let people help clean up because hey, you're a guest and shouldn't have to do any work (but this is actually a fairly long story about how I hate how inconsiderate people are and because of that I come across as a control freak attention whore douche-bag apparently). But that is just a tiny portion of my social life right now. Everything is pretty good in general. Some friends transfered away this semester, which has been sad, especially in the case of my friend Tim because he is awesome and I don't think that he is having that great of a time where he is right now and is struggling, but I try to get him up here to hangout and relax some times. And then Kirsten is studying abroad right now and I really miss her. We spent a lot of time together over the summer and I want to see her again soon, but I have to wait until January :(.
Andrew and I broke up. Kinda. I think. We were never officially boyfriend and boyfriend. We both liked each other and we went on a few dates. But Andrew decided he wasn't ready for a relationship. He has been feeling really homesick and he thought there was too much change going on in his life, especially having never dated a boy before. The reason I say that we kinda broke up though is because it's been a week (two weeks?) And no one really knows. We have told a few people (like 4), but everyone else still thinks that we are going out. I am hoping that this means that we might get back together soon, but if not that's okay too (Although I obviously would prefer to be with him). (Also no one [Mostly Anna and Jessica L] be mad at him. He is awesome and we still spend a lot of time together, even just one on one time, and I do think that we might get back together, we just need to take things a lot slower [not that things were moving that quickly before, we were just at a holding hands and falling asleep on each other when we sat next to each other on the couch stage])

This is getting rather long. And I didn't really mean to tell you guys about Andrew. But. Yeah.

Starting a vlog.

Talk to you soon

Heaven: Can someone please show some humanity!

I know that I'm always talking bullshit, that I like to have more fun than I care about "the future." It's kinda true, I love to have fun, I love to do my own thing. I care more about feeling fulfilled based on what I want to do rather than what is expected of me. My definition of success is different than most of yours, I think.

But who am I to say, we're all on different paths.

But you know what, I actually do care about school. Up to this point, I have not had a good, solid college experience. In comparison to CSU Stanislaus, UC Riverside is the best thing that ever happened to me educationally (although I feel like Mr. Huth and Mr. Tribble come to mind even more than UCR). If I could keep going to UC Riverside and have everything that I have at home-- a happy home, a silly dog, great friends, good music, and enjoyable weather-- well, I wouldn't waste a heartbeat trying to transfer back in. It's not like that though, I know.

CSU Stanislaus is by far the worst school I can imagine. I have been shown kindness and compassion by very few people in this school. The majority of the time, staff members are rude, rude, RUDE! UGH! I can't get over how many times I have been brushed off, have been talked AT rather than TO, and have had all of my questions COMPLETELY ignored. Not to mention, I have been called HEATHER by almost every single one of these people, even though my name is featured within the emails at least three times. This did not happen ONCE at UC Riverside. At UCR, every single staff member-- professor, janitor, counselor, technician, gardener-- every single staff member showed kindness and compassion to their students, and the students at UC Riverside were all able to come together and be part of something at the same time as being individuals doing our own thing. I guess what I am trying to say is that the students and staff at UCR work together as a community rather than an a competetive business establishment. People care there, I take pride in being a community-oriented person.

At this school, I have not seen any community. The academic advisor assigned to me has refused me help, and after asking her three questions in three different emails, she has not answered ANY of my questions and refuses to, saying, "I can only advise within the major, I can only advise within the major." Okay, yeah, well I am a fucking English major! YOU CAN FUCKING ADVISE ME BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING ENGLISH MAJOR!!! Fuck! This lady even called me Heather successively-- isn't she an English professor? Isn't she supposed to be able to READ AND COMPREHEND?!

I have been trying to see someone about changing my major from English to a science, but I still would like to discuss English since I am three years into my education. I have a lot of things I want to discuss SOON so I don't keep wasting my time and money immersed in a field I no longer am passionate about. Don't get me wrong-- I love English, I really do, but my path is winding away from it now and I know it. I am going back to my roots. I want to study plants and animals, not words in books. Everything in highschool that I wanted to be-- a biologist, an engineer, an architect-- they were all things based on science and math, two subjects that I was not so good at. But still, I wanted to be those things more than I ever wanted to be an English teacher. I've been convincing myself into something that was a "safe zone", something that I have always been good at. But it's not my passion anymore. Maybe if I were still a Creative Writing student, things would be different. English is not for me.

And I can't find one person who is willing to go that extra mile to help me figure it out. Where is the humanity in this school? What is America breeding? Why is there so much competition and contempt between people? Why can't everybody just be good to eachother?

AJ: Two roads diverge into.... too many~

I've confirmed what I've been throwing around for the past year or so. I've mentioned it on and off in conversations. I apologize now, because I feel like I've just been talking about it in circles, but never coming up with a decision. I still don't have a decision. But maybe if I just talk more, eventually, my brain will settle on my solution.
My predicament is that I have asked my counselor. With 8 more units and the hope that I pass all my classes this semester. I can officially graduate with the class of 2012 Spring Semester. I CAN. But should I? There are so many options, pros and cons, that I can''t decide yet. I know that I have to make the ultimate decision. But, it doesn't hurt to get a clearer view and opinion to steer me in a better direction. So, I turn to you.
Graduating early Pros:
I can graduate EARLY! It's pretty exciting and cool, no more midterms!
I can save on tuition~ stupid changes have lost me Calgrant, Pell Grant and loans. This semester has been hard on me and my parents already.
I can always stay in Berkeley and audit classes for fun and for free. Why must I always have to pay for an education? I'm paying just for the class to be in a transcript.
I have more time and less stress to plan for my future.

Cons: I don't know what to do after I graduate~ what do I do?
(MCATS, GRAD SCHOOL?, JOB? Too little time to decide)
I want to stay in Berkeley which means to find a job after graduation, how hard is that?
I could get more time by staying in school and raise my GPA and a better chance for Grad school or med school.
I'll probably have to start paying off those loans from tuition after graduation.

And then, ultimately the decision has to be ~ what do I want to do after graduation? I have so much info gathering to do, and grades to keep up.
1. Am I good enough for grad school now, or do I have to keep working?
2. What kind of grad programs are there that I might find fulfilling?
3. I think I know what I might want to do, what is the route of actually getting there?
4. Can I find a job to sustain me on the way to fulfilling that route?
So many things on my mind. I should actually be focusing on the immediate, that is, my upcoming midterm on Physics.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that the safety of going through the motions of grade school, high school, college, the preset course work, they're all disappearing and leaving me with something very unknown. Am I strong enough to deviate from the safety of it all yet?

Heaven: Should I Marry Kokuum?

I have decided that, in a past life, I was an Indian Princess. After much deliberation and discussion, introspection, dreaming, pondering, whatwillyou, it must be true. Yep. I'm an Indian Princess, guys.

I guess that doesn't mean much except for that I am a fucking badass.

Anna: My Rut and Why Its Turning Me Into a Basketcase

I just need to say this. I'm terrified I will never go anywhere with life.

When I say that, I don't mean "I don't think I'll be successful" or "I won't be recognized for achievements." I mean I'm scared I won't accomplish any of my goals or make a difference in the world. I'm getting cynical about humanity and about how much I can actually change the world before I've even tried! It just seems like such an impossible task. People slaughtering each other as if its second nature, people starving and dying from disease and genocide and whatnot. These are the issues I'm passionate about. They are what motivate me to get up in the goddamn morning. But it just seems so impossible. Forget the fact that I'm just some nobody from America....how can I possibly tackle such issues as these and actually make a dent in life?

I mean, these aren't just community neighbor squabbles. People are fucking dying. They live in unthinkable poverty, they often don't have access to education or medicine, they often live under harsh dictatorships. Jesus Christ. The list goes on and on, and I just feel like I can't do anything about it. As much as I want all this suffering to just stop, I feel like I'm an ant trying to move a mountain, one grain of sand at a time. And I've still got two fucking years of school left. I'm not supposed to feel this helpless and cynical yet. Not before I've even gone out on the field.

Lets face it, I'm panicking. I have always been able to feel myself moving toward something. Toward my black belt in Taekwando, toward high school graduation and college, toward AP exams, etc. I've always been working for something. But now, I'm just stagnate. Its the first time in my life that I've looked into my future and seen a huge void of nothingness and it scares the hell out of me. I have no plan. I have no strategy of how my life is going to work after I graduate. Where will I go, what will I do, who will I work for, and will my work actually benefit someone? Or will I just be another well-meaning soul who was absorbed into the system and turned into a 9-5 robot?

I can't see myself "going places" and "doing things" because I don't even know where to start. Sure, I'll get my degree and then what? Hope that I can somehow pay for graduate school? Political science isn't a field in which I can plan to be "teacher" or "doctor" or "engineer." I feel like I have to create something out of nothing, and I'm not good at doing that. I'm not an artist. I work with what's given to me, which is why schedules and lists and plans keep me sane.

I'm passionate about what I'm studying. I can't help it. But what good is passion if I don't do anything with it? If all my potential and ambition just withers away while I get distracted by trying to keep myself alive and off the streets? I wouldn't be able to stand that.

God, I'm going crazy.

Zach: He's reading the syllabus AT us.

He is reading the syllabus AT us. not to us. AT us.

It is terrible. I want to punch life in the face. second semester of music history and he is reading the terribly written and horribly formatted syllabus at us.

Other things are going pretty well right now. I think I am going to be in the Wind Ensemble when I want to be in Orchestra, but hopefully by next semester I will be in Orchestra because I want to play Carmen and that is the Opera for next semester.

This is it for now though because I probably shouldn't be on my laptop in class, especially because I am one of 12 students. Bleh

Anna & Zach: Until Next Time

I just wanna say that you guys are fucking rad. I had an awesome time reconnecting....and even though time was short, it was a good break from the monotony of a dreary summer. THANK YOU. You guys are, always were, and always will be, my best friends. Family. Fambly. Keep on keeping on this next year. Be awesome, be well, and stay beautiful.

Love.

The time was short, but awesome. Imma miss you guys when we leave tomorrow, and before, and after. And all the time. Until we see each other again. Keep on keepin on.

H: These days

Hey guys, sorry I am always bitching about something recently. I'm VENTING.

I have moved. My house is fucking awesome, it's just like a dream.

My dad came home from tour, was nice to me for about 12 hours, then started a fight with me (which he denies starting) and drilled into my head about how mean I am "you are mean you are mean you are mean you are mean." For half an hour, these are the only words that came out of his mouth; I left, came home, and the next time I talked to him at 8 pm, he called me just to tell me how mean I am. Can you fucking believe that? It would be nice to be UPLIFTED by my father. It would be nice to have somebody to be able to lean on when I wasn't strong enough to stand by myself. I look at the past and I see how great my dad was. He was my hero. Now I do all I can to avoid him because everytime I see him it's yell yell yell mean mean mean bad person bad person bad person.

Everybody fucking loves me because I am a nice, considerate, generous person who would do ANYTHING for her friends, ANY of my friends. I'M FUCKING AWESOME. And I am not afraid to say it. Let my ego inflate, I need it. Yeah, I can be mean, but then again, so can even the nicest person. And I have NEVER been a BAD person. I can't say that I am a good person, but I do what I can.

Anyway, my house is awesome, did I mention that?

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU, ZACHERY AND ANNA!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Also, my car is fixed. And I made a quilt.

Zach: Opportunities.

Okay. So. Today. Big call.

My Apartment-mate and I got a call today. We were on the waitlist to get into a bigger apartment. And well, we can move to that apartment if we want. Right now we are in the cute little one bedroom. And by we I mean I am in it. He hasn't gotten here yet. I love this apartment. It is perfect, for me. But once he move in I don't know exactly how things are gonna work. I think that the size is just perfect for myself. There is definitely some unused space, but I think that he will be taking up more than just that unused space and we might not have enough space as the two of us. But I am not sure.

So this bigger two bedroom apartment falls into our laps and I am not sure what to do. Yes there is the second bedroom, but that doesn't make much of a difference. I just snuck into the apartment because it was unlocked and it is pretty nice. SO MUCH COUNTER SPACE. That alone makes me want to upgrade. But. I don't think that that amount of counter space is worth the $1350 increase in rent for the year.

Now the potentially new apartment is nice, the paint job is okay (the majority of it is pretty good but there are definitely things that NEED to be painted over because they kinda suck) It is bigger. But it also comes with more stuff. Which would be nice if I didn't have a bunch of my own stuff. So basically all of the extra stuff that is in there is taking up the extra space that we would be getting out of moving. So the space issue is basically moot.

The only major thing right now is that I am not sure what to do because of this: I am not particularly fond of my apartment-mate. I mean, he is a nice guy and I like him well enough. The only reason we are living together is because his girlfriend is my best friend here, and I don't want to be far away from her and this was the best solution. Now I am not sure exactly what to do.

Update: I just went back there to check it out with one of my friends to get here opinion. I am basically in the same place though, probably leaning towards the stay in this apt option, but I have to figure it out.

Rawr. I don't know what to do. Do I spring for the bigger apt that might help me survive living with him next year (yes I did just use the term survive). Or do I stay here in this cheaper and still really nice apt? I must decide by Wednesday and I don't want to.

AJ: I want a hug; so I'm going to give you one

Today is honestly not my favorite day. It started off fairly well, however, as of right now I have an important midterm coming up, I have had a fever of 101 since noon, minor pains over my whole body, and studying doesn't help with this fever.
I want a hug. I want a good grade on this midterm. I want to be better by tomorrow.
Nobody seems to be around. Busy with midterms, their own lives, their own problems. Even the people that stopped by today just needed something - internet, flashlight, food-something that probably stressed me out even more.
I just need a hug, and if no one is around to give me one, I'm going to find one myself. Next time I see you guys, I'm giving you a big bear hug!
I shouldn't be waiting around for things to come.


P.S ~ Thank you Zach. I'm enjoying a conversation with you at the moment. I feel better already. Meanwhile, you just made me log off of hotmail to sign into gmail to talk to you. And now I have to sign back into hotmail before they let me post this again. =P

Anna: 180

A little while ago, on my own blog, I recounted that I was in a funk.

A haircut and an awesome weekend in Salem later, I'm happy to report that I seem to be coming out of it. I still don't have a job, I don't have any pressing obligations besides getting stuff ready for MUN this next year and oh yeah, attending Salsa class, but that's okay. I going to a volunteering info session this Friday, I'm still on the job hunt and there's even been some whispering of a road trip to California?? Oh my!!

That said, I'm still anxious. When am I not really? Life isn't all sunshine and bubbles, but at least I can sustain a good mood for a few hours now. Progress.

That's all for this post, really. I just wanted to let everyone know about this awesome development.

Love.

Heaven:

I am stumbling guys. Not stumbling upon. Like stumbling as in struggling. I've been falling into these slumps, but I'm not quite sure how to dig myself out. I write and write and write until I can convince myself to be positive, but then as soon as I'm positive I just convince myself that this positivity is a lie. This hole is too deep to pull myself out of, and the dirt around me is too solid to dig foot holds into the sides with my fingers. I need someone to throw me some tools, toss me a line. I am so dependent right now that it's fucking ridiculous. When the hell do I need anybody? I can do everything ALL BY MY SELF.

Wrong. I can't. I can't do anything on my own again. I'm on the highwire and I forgot to chalk my flats. I've slipped. I'm hanging on. I always do. Today I told my dad that I've spent all my strength in the first twenty years, now I've got none left for the next twenty. He couldn't say anything, just "I know how you feel." I am surrounded by crumbling sandcastles and high tides.

I spent the afternoon with Ashley and it was a really good day, but as soon as anything triggers my anxiety, I crack, and the flood gates open just to relieve some pressure so the whole dam doesn't come crashing down.

Somebody please tell me that everything is going to be okay. I keep telling myself, but I just can't seem to hit the sweet notes that are going to make me believe. Some tap-your-heels-there's-no-place-like-home kinda magic.

Everything is going to be okay in the end, and if it's not okay, then it's not the end. Everything is going to be okay in the end, and if it's not okay, then it's not the end. Everything is going to be okay in the end, and if it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Everything is okay. Everything is okay. Everything is okay.

Zach: You're lagging. And that's unacceptable Jessica.

So It has been almost a week since I have been back at school and it has been an awesome week so far (Except for the whole talking with Jessica on skype right now and her crazy amount of lag).
I moved into my new apartment which is super awesome, and I have the cutest little bathroom ever, just saying. It is a little one bedroom and I think it is just perfect for one, and the occasional guest(s). But I get a roommate in a little over two months, so we will see what happens. I will just enjoy my comfortable little life as it is right now.
I start work for reals tomorrow. I am working at the law school in the admissions office over the summer and I went in for a little while on friday, but I am starting real hours tomorrow. Which will be exciting. I love my job so much. Plus it sometimes gets boring during the day because all of my friends here have jobs and work the same hours that I will be working while I am here.
So starting back at the law school is exciting, but I also recently got another job. I will be teaching elementary to middle schoolers some stuff about music technology in July. It is a small program but I will be working every thursday in July and then whenever else they need me. I think it will be an awesome chance to get more experience working with kids, as well as a good way to make connections in that department so that I can get more jobs in the future. Enough about work though.
Today I finished all of my unpacking. At last I think I did. All of the unpacking I am going to do until school starts. I have some notebooks and things in a box in my dressing room (yes my apartment has a dressing room (really it is just a large closet near the door)).
I have had people over almost everynight. Tuesday it was Kirsten and Nicole. Wednesday it was Brendan, Kirsten, Nicole, Dana, and Kenny. Thursday it was Kirsten, Nicole, Mike, and Anna (yes Anna for those of you who didn't know she was coming for a visit). Friday I went over to Kirsten's apartment. Yesterday I spent almost all of my day with Brendan and half of it with Nicole. And today Kirsten was over in the afternnon, but it is just me right now. It has been fun entertaining and cooking this week. I have made cookies, Portuguese rice pudding, mushroom steak, Dutch bread, tacos, and quite a few sandwiches.
Yesterday I went with Brendan to the Saturday market, he got some vegetable that I don't remember the name of. Then we went to safeway and both got some stuff that we couldn't get at the market. Neither of us felt like making lunch so we went to Smile BBQ, an awesome Korean barbecue place two blocks away. Then we came back to my apartment and played video games for like two hours. We went back to safeway because I needed more ingredients for tacos. We came back to my apartment and invited Nicole over to have tacos with us. I made dinner and dessert, and while dessert was cooling we went to the World Beat Festival.
That was a fun experience. We saw some dancers and went around and looked at all of the stuff for sale at the stands. I got a cool hat, which Jessica saw briefly before her internet decided to suicide.
All in all. I have been having an amazing first week back. I wish I could share it with you guys (I did a little with Anna) but you guys should come visit sometime.
But for now, I think I am going to skype with Jessica (who is now stealing internet), watch some TV on DVD, and go to bed.
Bye. See you soon, hopefully.

Heaven: Fall down seven times, get up eight.

It's a beautiful morning. I'm sitting on Sonny's bed, Dodger's lying next to my knee licking his belly, the windows are open, the sun in shining, and I am alive. I laughed really hard all day yesterday. I've been running and trying to eat healthy, but yesterday I drank a milkshake and baked cupcakes with Sonny. We gave them [the cupcakes] to the family across the street and they were so excited they cheered. Everyone in Oakdale is so lively, it seems, and so friendly. It's surprising when I walk past someone and they don't make eye contact and nod their head or say hello. I can walk down the street drinking a beer and no one seems to mind. It makes me realize just how reserved Turlock is.

I love it here. The people, the town, the country. I feel as though there is nothing to worry about when I am left to do as I please in this town. Yesterday evening, Sonny and I sat in a rocking chair on the porch and listened to a Willy Nelson vinyl. I laughed so hard I burst into tears-- I did not laugh so hard that I cried, I laughed so hard that I burst. I don't remember feeling so good. Things have not been easy, but yesterday evening was so good.

Sonny is at work now, and Will is asleep in the next room. I've known Will since I was a child, maybe seven or eight years old. I've always thought of him as family. I've known his boy Wiley since he was born, and Wiley and I have deduced that we are so close as to be cousins. Aubrie is his cousin, and she's my step-mom, so we might as well be. It's funny though, because Will is also Sonny's first cousin. I live in a house full of family. Full of BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. And I cannot be more in love. Even so, it does get lonely when Sonny works from seven to four and I'm trying to find things to do. I do laundry and dishes and sweep, Dodger and I take walks, I play the guitar, I write, I read, I run. Life is slower here, but I am living an old dream and I do not want to be anywhere else.

Except for I have been feeling the urge to just get up and go. Not forever, but I just want to be able to leave freely, no restrictions, to protests, just me and Sonny and Dodger and the road. It'll happen sooner or later, most likely later, but summer has only just begun and I'm already feeling anxious to get on or to get back to school. I'm at a turning point, after transferring-- I do not see any predictable career ahead of me, but I do see this: I see my family, Sonny and Dodger and I and the people that we know and the people that we do not know, and I see myself happy. And that is all that I am looking for in life. No American idealism, no fulfilling other's expectations of me. I see myself living for myself and my family and no other ideals but the ones that we keep. And that is all.

Anna: Done

I was told that I'm a bad friend today. What a load of bullshit.

Just to clarify, yes this will be another whiny post. I don't blame you if you don't read it. But I am legitimately upset, far more so than I have been in a while, and I need to rant somewhere.

I am a damn good friend. I know that. I'm not trying to brag or be snotty, but that's one of the few things about myself that I am absolutely sure of. You guys all know that I hold friends (true friends) on some sort of holy pedestal. You're my family, you're the people I love, the people I'd do anything for. You understand me, and I feel I understand you pretty well. If you ever needed anything, I'd be there for you, and I know I can count on all of you. We're comrades. "Closer than lovers" and all that jazz.

You all know that it takes me a while to truly open up to people and accept them. I have trust issues...I have this innate fear that people are going to hurt me eventually, or think less of me, or whatever. So I keep most people at an arm's distance. This is why I can safely say that I only have about a handful of true, lifelong friends.

So I'll get to the point now. Someone got legitimately upset at me..oh, maybe half an hour ago. Apparently I'm a "bad friend" because I'm "belittling" an outing with friends. I use the term friends lightly. I like these people well enough (most of the time) but I don't love them. Not at all. Its NOTHING like how I'm friends with all of you. Anyway, this outing is the X-Men premier. Jesus Christ. Its DEAD WEEK, I have THREE papers and a final worth 60%, and I honest to God don't want to go across the river and pay $10 to get into a movie that I feel so-so about.

And this is my problem. There is a group of people here who think that I am morally obligated to be their best friend, to spend all my waking hours with them, to confide my deepest and darkest secrets to them, to live like they do. Otherwise, I'm a bad person. Or in this case, a bad friend, which is actually worse. I'll be the first to claim myself as a bad person. But I am not a bad friend. Not at all. Just because I don't feel comfortable around them does not mean that my overall behavior is selfish. At least, not in this respect. None of them know me. None of them bother to get to know me. They just heap all these expectations on me and get pissed off when I reveal that, actually, I have a mind of my own. I refuse to live my life for them.

What really gets me about all this is that I actually laughed at first. I was genuinely amused that this kid was so upset over something so stupid. So I'm not going to a movie premiere. Whoop-dee-fucking-do. This guy is in his early-late twenties at least....yet I, the 19 year old, feel older than him? Not right.

Which is why I shouldn't even be upset about this. But he hit a sore spot, because I am a damn good fucking friend. I am fiercely loyal to all you guys, and I mean that in the most truthful way. I'm even loyal to friends I'm making here....people who aren't completely ridiculous like this guy is.

It also doesn't help that I've been missing you guys something awful ever since I got back from Turlock. I just keep seeing everywhere around me how people are just not the same as you. No one can replace you, and it just royally sucks that I'm so distanced from you all. It hurts.

Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of this. But he has absolutely no right to go judging me when he has never made a sincere effort to get to know me. And that goes for a lot of these people with their "holier than thou" attitudes and superiority complexes. God, it drives me insane.

It goes without saying, then, that I miss you guys. A whole hell of a lot.

Love.

Anna: Busy Little Bee

When am I satisfied when I don't feel like pulling my hair out or setting myself on fire? Oh yeah, that's right. Never.

WELP, its the ending of week 7. Meaning that there are three weeks until finals (oh my God). But I'm not going to think about depressing and terrifying things like that because I have other things to occupy my time with. Things such as the human trafficking awareness event that's going down in a week and a half. Things such as getting food, speakers, visuals, and tables for that event confirmed sometime before the day it happens. :/ But such is life, right?

Lets see....I was elected "President" of MUN for next year (we have a different term for it...Secretary-General. Mwuahahaha.), so that's exciting. Its good to know that some people at least think that I'm leadership material. :P I'm officially staying in Portland over the summer to try to save money/by some miracle or fluke of nature find a job/take summer classes if my mother and I decide to invest in that. So on that note, I probably won't be heading back to Turlock until next year's Spring Break or even next summer. Sadness. But life must go on. And I really need to stay in one place for a while instead of running every which way. Plus, Portland is BEAUTIFUL in the summer! It makes all those months of rain and misery worth it.

(Ahem. That's a hint for someone to come up and visit me if they can.)

I'm seriously contemplating taking an international law class. Oh, and I'm officially starting Arabic either this summer or next Fall. I'm excited.

And that, folks, is officially everything that is going on with me right now. Not TOO exciting, but not bash-my-head-against-the-wall boring either. I'm content.

I love you all.

Heaven: What can you do with a

Today I was feeling sentimental, so I took out my old journals from Mr. Tribble's class and started reading through a couple of them and I found this one:

"Love is being there for your friends. Not just there physically, but emotionally as well. Love is never giving up on someone, no matter how long you go without talking to them, being able to see them after weeks or even months and being able to talk about anything and everything, being able to talk to them like you saw them yesterday. Love is giving someone the space they need to be themselves, to pursue their dreams, while still being a part of their life. Trust is love. Love is not choosing sides. Love is being able to see past flaws and mistakes to accept someone as they are. Love is accepting disappointment and being there no matter what. John Lennon is my love, and Peter Pan and Orion the Hunter and Jack. But John Lennon was my first love and you never forget your first. Love pretty much sucks, but sometimes it's pretty awesome too."

The first half really reminded me of the situation that we are all in right now, and I thought it was pretty cool that I wrote that before it was so. Anyway, I just wanted to share that.

School is really stressful. My car broke down and my head and heart too, but it's alright, it'll all work out. :)

I love you pretty people!

Anna: Very quickly...

I feel like I can't really take care of myself anymore. People have to walk me through what to do, or how I should act in order to stay healthy and in one piece.

Like, my friend literally had to type out what to do for my infected ear piercing. My ankle's been hurting for a good week now and I'm not really sure what to do about it except go buy a brace for it. And of course I don't eat or sleep regularly when school gets going, so friends will have to remind me to sleep or eat.

Eh. Its nice to know that I can rely on people if something goes wrong, but its so demoralizing at the same time. I dunno. I've felt like more of a child these past months than I ever have before.

i love you.

AJ : Just a Thing for Thoughts

Here's something that caught my attention today. It's kind of true, kind of outrageous in parts, and a little bit depressing. I just took some time today to think about what parts of this applied to me. We're all starting to turn twenty!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2010/how-to-be-a-20-something/

Heaven: The sun was shining on the valley!

I HAVE SEEN THE SUN FOR TWO DAYS! It's great, it's beautiful, I'm going to go outside and play in it as soon as I'm done writing this blog, but you guys come first.

Spring break WAS AWESOME! I love you guys so much. It felt so good to not have to do anything but hang out with you guys. Sorry I was in such a bad mood. I don't know what was going on in my head, but something sour was going and it was no good, but I'm cool now! My dad got a new dog yesterday, he's a cowdog, we call him Deets, he's a good boy and Dodger loves him, but the Frieda doesn't and I haven't seen her since last night, poor dear, I hope she comes home.

Zachery-- Sonny also said, "I WANNA SAY HI TO ZACH!" but he wasn't around the video at all, so I thought I should let you know via blog.

Played a surprise show on Saturday, filled in for a good ol' boy, Willy Tea, which was crazy, definitely one of the hardest spots to fill, but I filled it and people like it, and I've been getting asked to play all kindsa more shows, and I'm stoked, I just gotta write some new material so I have a wider range of songs to play. I guess that's what all musician do, though, Good Luck's been playing the same songs for three years now and nobody gets tired of 'em, but these story-songs are different and I'm gonna have to keep writing anyway.

Jessica Leu-- this is America, people are trying to teach you how to pick a profession so you can get a job, this is an institution, everything is regimented, everything has to be known before we're grown, if you want to highlight your hair or take more English classes or cook some fucking good food for some fucking good people or go live in a cave or blow bubbles or dance naked in the woods, YOU DO IT and you don't let anything stop you. We are the masters of ourselves.

I hate school, I don't learn what I want to anymore, I only learn what I'm told to, so I slack, but you know, I'm gonna be the next Mr. Huth, I swear it. My life's been going.

Guess what, the sun's been out, and it's supposed to be out for the rest of the week, so I think Dodger and I are going to go for a big walk right now and I will shirk my responsibilities because I feel like it.

AJ: Restlessness

I just have to say, I second Anna. Spring Break was amazing. Spending time with everyone, almost every day like we'd never left for college was therapy. It makes me miss everyone even more though, especially since I didn't really get to see everyone or spend enough time together. Sad.
Now that I'm back out here though, I'm feeling pretty lethargic. I don't want to do work, except I've just spend about five hours of this morning writing a lab report that I'm pretty sure made little, to no sense. I also got about 2 and a half hours of sleep last night. I apologize for the rambling now. ^-^
Just to mention it out loud - I want to just leave everything that I'm doing behind and try something else right now. English major. Culinary school. Take up photography- with film, negatives, and everything. I want a hair cut.I want to highlight my hair and then change the colors of the highlights every month or so. I want to do something completely different. Is this a disease? It's catching on fast.
Why do I have so many ideas of what I want to do in the future? I have so much on my plate right now, I have to get through it before I reach the future plans. Gah,I need the determination fight past this monstrosity named organic chemistry!

Wheeeeee. Whirl. Dance. I'm going to find myself some chocolate and get back to work.
Toodles~

Anna: Isn't it supposed to be sunny in spring?

Okay, so I can forgive Portland for being perpetually rainy because...well...its Portland. There are about two months out of the whole year in which there is not normally consistent rain. But Turlock, on the other hand, had no excuse.

But it doesn't matter, because I had such an AMAZING time anyway that I managed to overlook the fact that I didn't soak up quite as much vitamin D as I wanted to. I loved seeing (mostly) everyone again, I loved being able to act like my real self and NOT be judged for it, I loved glancing down the road and seeing a person or car that I recognized. I was glad to have some familiarity back in my life.

This was seriously the first time, EVER, that I've come to Portland and truly did not want to be here. I still love it, but I am sorely missing my best friends.

So I just wanted to say that you all are awesome and I loved being with you more than words can describe. I have NO idea what my summer plans are yet, but I will keep you updated.

Love.

Zach: I Need a Neck Massaging Cat

Hey everyone.

Spring break. It is s nice not to have to do anything for a while. I am at work right now, but I really don't have to do anything. There is nothing for me to do in my own office so I was moved over to the dean's office to watch the front desk, so unless someone walks in or someone calls I am being paid to sit here and be on my laptop. Very nice and relaxing.

Not having classes is also nice. I get to sleep in, and stay up late. All I need to do otherwise is practice my clarinet, which I will be doing later today, probably before I go to bed at like 4 in the morning.

Also, my friends and I are going to start looking for houses for the next year, which will be super exciting. I can't wait to find a place to move into. The only thing that is troublesome about that is that although I can live in the same house as one of my friends, I don't think I could share a room with him. He is too much of a stereotypical jockish guy, and I can not live with that. He is nice enough, just, I can't share a room with him. But we should be looking into houses pretty soon, which would be awesome. I am so excited.

We should be going to the beach tomorrow. That will be an awesome adventure. I hope it rains. I really want to go to a rainy beach. I think it would be awesome. Ummm... yes. Beach....

I don't know what else is going to happen. There is a trip to Portland planned, but I don't know if I will go. I think I might stay behind and sleep or practice clarinet and piano while other people at in portland. They are only going to Powells and Voodoo, and I want to spend as little money as possible, so yes.

Umm... those are my spring break plans. Also my neck is sore. I don't know why, but I need a cat to massage my neck.

Cheers.

Zach: Is it Spring Break Yet?

Hey there. A week and a half until spring break. And I need it.

Also, I am currently in Music History. Very bored. Not paying attention. Doing homework for other classes and typing this. Not writing complete sentences. Yes.

I should have stayed in bed today. I wanted to. I went to bed late last night (the new pokémon game came out on Sunday and needless to say I have been spending more time on that than I should be((although I have been finishing all of my homework, not practicing enough, but finishing all of my homework.)). But anyway. went to bed late. Woke up twenty minutes before class and thought about skipping all of my classes today. I haven't learned anything and I am in my fourth class.

Well I have learned something today. Something both good and bad. Somewhat depressing, but as Anna posted I'll get through it.

So I went to my first class today, and that went well enough, we were doing a mock lesson rhythm for third and forth graders, and I didn't really need to be there, but I went because I guess I should have been there. After class though my professor asked if he could talk to me. I thought he was going to say something about me wanting to skip classes because I often talk about it. I don;t skip and I get my work done, but I am often vocal about not wanting to go to classes, at least on the way to them. But anyway, I digress.

So he started off with something great. We have been teaching middle schoolers every Saturday, and he told me that I did excellent. He said I have a gift for teaching and that he would want me teaching his children. But that led into something not so great.

Our music staff is very small and connected here. And apparently I have been a subject of conversation occasionally. Not gossip really, but the way he expressed it was that they were concerned. They have been talking about my dedication to the major and whether or not I would make it through the program.

All of them agree that I CAN, but some don't think I WILL.

He brought it up because he wants to look out for me. But at the same time it is kind of a scary thing to deal with. If I am not a music ed major I am basically screwed and have to start all over again, which I definitely don't want to do that. I think it was something to get me "on track" but I don't know. It is still kinda scary.

This semester is the breaking point I guess. If I don't dramatically improve at clarinet and possibly piano, I don't know that I will be graduating.

And I can't say it isn't my fault. I need to practice more and I know that, but at the same time I have to work to continue to go to school here and eleven hours of work and 24 hours of classes and homework for all of those classes, plus practice, plus sleep, plus being sane = death. I don't know.

Just needed to blabber about that. It isn't that serious of an issue. I am going to graduate. I meet all of the requirements so far, I may not be getting all A's (I am definitely not getting all A's) but I am passing all of my classes, even with the modified grading scale (in which a 70% is failing and a 93% is and B+). The only problems I face in the future is passing my clarinet proficiencies, which I will, it will just be difficult.

Bleh. I need a break.

Anna: A Shoutout to the People I Love

With three weeks until I am in Turlock again, and in light of me learning of new developments in everyone's lives, I want to send out a HUGE shoutout to all of you. You guys are amazing. Seriously. On a personal level, I'm amazed that you have literally seen the absolute worst of me and you still count me as your Friend and Comrade. Nothing has ever made me feel more fortunate. On a more objective level, I'm amazed at how strong and dedicated you all are. Whatever is happening in your life, you rise to meet it spectacularly.

I love you. Really. I LOVE all of you. You're my family, you're among the people who mean the absolute most to me. I am able to carry out my life here because I know that nothing is ever going to happen to us. Two years after graduation, we're still going strong. When we're reunited, we pick up right where we left off, and our absences only make our reunions all the more special.

Everything will be okay, one way or another. WE will be okay. I am so proud to call all of you my comrades. You're amazing people living amazing lives, and I hope that I myself can live as well as you all do. We can make it through. We WILL make it through. For better or worse, rain or shine, we will always be friends. No one will ever replace any of you in my heart.

All of you. Are. Inspiring. Never, EVER forget that.

Love. :)

Heaven: Nothing but three chords and the truth.

Since I moved back, I've been trying to become a bit more immersed in the music scene in Modesto and Oakdale, and I'd like to say, it's going great!

I played open mic night, and then my buddy Roy Dean asked me to play a couple songs are his shop as the open for Soda, Roy, Tom V, Jeremy somethingorotherawesomemusician and Willy Tea-- and I did it and they loved it. Opening up for my songwriting heroes was AMAZING. Such an honor.

Now I'm doing it again. March 10th, I'm opening for Willy Tea and this fella McDougall at The Serrano Social Club, this coffee shop in Modesto. It's gonna be awesome.

AND NOW, just now, I got this email from this guy, who last week turned me down because he hadn't heard my music, a friend of mine directed him to the recording of open mic and he wants me to open up for an acoustic set his band is doing at Roy Dean's shop. I didn't even think of saying no.

So now I just gotta start writing a bunch more songs. I made a list and I have about 12 or so that are playable. I gotta get to work on some new ones.

To the rest of you comrades-- keep tough. It's not easy, it's not hard, life is life and it's gonna bang you around as much as it sees fit. You just gotta grab it by the horns and make it your own. I can't wait to see you guys. And I can't wait for our giant girl-skype with Zachery. <3

AJ: The shit hath hitith the fan... ith.

I'm sorry that most every post that I write is so depressing, for being so whiny and such a complaint. I think it just feels better to write everything down, sometimes get a response about what to do.
Midterms are down for this month. At least its winding down, for that much I'm thankful for. Unfortunately, other things are winding up.
I never understood it that much when people told me that having two roommates would be continual drama. I didn't understand it when Irene told me that living with two girls would be a nightmare. In truth, my freshman year was pretty nice. We each had our own interests, but when we did get together, we could talk. Stress, deaths, sickness. I was all okay. This year, living with friends, we were even closer. Of course, we also started to understand things about each other, pet peeves and whatnot. I can't say I accept them all, but for me, they're easy to overlook. Once in a while, I appreciate it a lot if they were conscious about it too.
The problem with living with two headstrong people is, I get to see them clash and I'm in the middle. To side with either would be unfair, to be in the middle is a situation I've been too familiar with. Remember sophomore year and the Zach and Sarah? How we learned to deal with them when things got too hot? It's more than that over here.
I feel like I should get caught in the middle, I shouldn't take sides, and I shouldn't even bother with this problem since, it's not mine. But on the other hand, it's happening under one roof, so to say. Also, I am slightly biased. The principle of the matter is that one of them is being selfish and unfair, despite what she thinks is a trivial matter. It's affecting personal opinion of her character, which in turn, our friendship.
On another note, as much as I want to avoid the matter, it's staring at me straight the face. I know I agreed to something stupid, but, it's not me to be this person. I have to talk with Ryan and soon. Maybe I'm just better at being friends with people.
Sometimes, I do get tired of being the listener, I want to talk too.

The shit hath hitith the fan.. ith - 10 Things I Hate About You. Movie night anyone?

Eric: Mr. Serious...

Just to update on those who are concerned with what I've been up to the answer is simply... nothing much.
A while ago, Lexi and I went to a pokemon convention in San Jose. We tried those iguana burritos from man versus food-- I was unimpressed. Our classes are kind of annoying, but not bad for the part. On my own, i've been getting into World of Warcraft. It's so wonderfully pointless. Lexi herself is working a comic for our certain characters.

I've further perfected my pizza making skills. Those pictures on EJ Pizza are as good as they look. I've even been commissioned a couple of times. For the most part, i've been doing my time at MJC and when it comes time that i am able to transfer out, should i not get accepted to the college i applied to this semester, i'm willing to settle for any place that will take me. It's not that i give up; i simply know that there is no place for my unconventionality in most places. I make the best out of what i have, and i anticipate always having to do so.

I still hate fish.

I don't do drugs, i don't smoke, and I don't drink. Never intend to, not because i'm on so moral high horse, but because I don't want to. Lord knows that its impossible to convince me of anything.

Random snippets and fyi's for those who are concerned.

I'm a big pro-wrestling fan and WrestleMania is coming up. So far i've been enticed in everything, especially with the return of the Rock a couple weeks ago.

I don't much mind my classes. I'm not really interested with most of them.

I can't think of much else. Have a good one guys, i mean it. peace.

-
Rock dog, rock dog yeah. Rock dog be rockin'. yea yea yea

AJ: Comfort Zone

Stressful week, and more to come. That's all I have to say.
It just so happens that during a particularly hectic week, I get sick, other things are happening, and they're not all necessarily good things either.

Just want to encourage everyone here to continue posting whenever you feel that you're free. I visit here a lot. I mean, A LOT. Usually when I'm bored, it's fun to read and procrastinate. I've been finding myself come here whenever I need to be comforted as well, whenever I feel homesick. It's slightly pathetic, I hope it isn't creepy. (Aside from calling my mother,)it helps to just go around and just reading and getting a feel of each of you.

- Miss you

Heaven: Maybe this time I've earned my wings.

I am so happy to be home. My life has never felt so good. So great grand fantastic fucking amazing. Beautiful. After those tumultuous times in Riverside (I must say I do miss Ben, Anthony, Austin, Max, and Brittany something awful, and talk to them throughout the week), I never take any day for granted. Every day has the potential to be beautiful. Every moment has the potential to change my thoughts. Every every every every every good good good good good. I mean, of course things are up and down still. I feel jealous I feel blue I feel loss and pain and lonely, but mostly I just feel and it feels good to feel not bad. I miss Pancho something awful, but at the same time I'm like a mother who can't cry in front of her children-- I've got the Dodger-dog to look after, and he's grown something big since some of you left and he's looking mighty handsome with his new collar and I'm awful proud.

I'm meeting a slew of people in Modesto, acquaintances and people I've come to call friends. I spend weekends with them. Ashley Machado, if you remember her from Dutcher or Turlock, is one of them-- old friend who I've just met (again). She says hello to you when I've mentioned your names in the past. She's pretty and pretty cool. Max is another (a different Max than the Riverside Max), bike rider, real sweet and but also the king sarcasm, kind of frustrating, but its Max and we laugh it off. Veenu I just met, and we haven't hung out in person, but she's really nice and we're planning on it. More people too. I spend a lot of time in Modesto. A lot of time. It's quick. Fast-paced. And when I drive back to Turlock on Sunday night, after open-mic at the Queen Bean, I come to appreciate our town so much more. It's slow. Not so slow as Oakdale or Knights Ferry, that slow that I would love to be experiencing, but it's nice. It's quiet. It's safe and it's Home.

And then there's Mark. He's incredible. He's honest and fun and I never feel the need to hesitate around him. I can be me, totally and completely. It's been fast, but it feels like so much longer. We share common interests. We learn from eachother. He plays songs on the ukulele for me, and he lets me read my poetry to him. He encourages music, and we're even starting a music project together-- he's better with his hands than I am, and I'm better with my words, I think, although I would argue that it all depends on what you're trying to say, and that my English words shouldn't cover up whatever he's trying to say with his hands, but he says otherwise, so we're collaborating. I played a show at a good buddy of mine's tattoo parlour alongside some of my songwriting heroes-- Sodapop, Tom V, Willy Tea, Roy Dean-- and Mark was there to play along with me. We spend weekends together, back and forth from Turlock to Modesto, sometimes Oakdale, with eachother's friends and family. It feels good. It feels grown. I am happy.

I am happy. That's what it gets down to. I'm feeling something that I didn't know existed. A new level to what was a fading memory. And it's real. Alive. Breathing inside me and outside of me. Created. Creating. Giving birth to more beauty. Tangible and real and in my hands and above my head and beneath my feet and growing within me, wrapping vines around my heart and flowering in my head and bursting forth from my hands and my eyes and my mouth and fluttering around like a butterfly and scattering its seeds in the wind and planting more and growing and growing.

It's a wonder, it's a mystery. It's amazing, and it's before me, and I'm ready. I'm finally ready. Maybe this time, I've actually earned my wings. Now it's time to take the leap and see if I plummet or if I soar. I'll build the muscle; I'll get back up; I'll try again.

I feel happy. I am happy.

I am really, really happy.

Zach: Alone is Starting to Creep In

So I know I just posted a blog earlier this week but today was a day that I wasn't ready for.

Today was the day that people got their acceptance letters to Study Abroad.

Study Abroad is a pretty big thing here at WIllamette. Everyone is encouraged to go abroad for at least a semester, if not two. Even though some people definitely can't because of their major(s), everyone is still encouraged and Willamette tries to make exceptions to every requirement just to let people go, but realistically it is hard for some people.

So today the letters came out.

My friend Candace and I found out during Music Theory because another music major was going to study abroad in Ireland or something. Candace and I both wanted to study abroad so there was hard point number one. As Music Education majors we have the most rigorous major on campus. We are required to take 47 or so classes just for our major then 5 more for our minor and 11 more for our General ed. That's a total of 63 classes while in school. Which is ridiculous. We aren't really able to Study abroad because so many of our classes are offered in cycles that if we miss it we won't be around the next time it is offered. So it was hard to be celebratory when it was something we both wanted to do but really can't. (Although I am trying to put together a summer trip for Summer 2012, which I doubt will happen, but I am gonna try.)

Next was I found out who was going where out of my close friends. Although you may not recognize some of the names depending on who is reading my friends Kirsten, Torey, Lauren, and Sam are going to be gone for part or all of next year.

Now I a really excited for them to be able to go to all of the wonderful places that they get to go to, I am going to miss them a lot. Kirsten (who I have fun pretending to be trashy with) will be studying Classics in Rome for the Fall semester. Which is super exciting and will be an awesome opportunity. Torey (my Toronster, also just super fun and witty and bubbly friend) will be in Japan for the first semester and in Denmark for the second. She is a real world traveler and it is exciting that she will get to go to these places, but again, I'm just gonna miss her. Lauren (who is basically my rock here) will be gone in the Spring studying in Glasgow in the spring. I really don't know what I am going to do without her, but she will have a super good time, which is exciting and she will tell me all about it when she gets back.

Last is Sam. He'll be gone the entire year in Japan. It is awesome that he gets to go, and it is something he entirely deserves and will be amazing for him, but it will be tough without him, especially during second semester when Lauren won't be there either. But at the same time I feel that I won't ever seem him after this semester. Money has been hard on him and paying up to this point for school has been extremely difficult, and I don't entirely believe that he will be back for our senior year. I feel stupid and selfish for not wanted him to go (any of them to go) but I don't want any of them to leave. I would love it if there were some way that they could still have that wonderful experience, yet not have to be gone.

Also this makes my housing plans for next year unsure and I just don't know. Typing this stuff is making me want to curl up and go to bed, and not wake up for class tomorrow. Just sleep through next year.

I wasn't ready for today. I won't be ready for today for a long time.

AJ: Hop hop Along my Bunnies!

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
It's the year of the rabbit~ And like my auntie said - " I wish everyone a Happy New Year and multiply like rabbits!"
Um - actually, if you are taking that literally, please ignore. I think she meant to multiply your luck. How is everyone's return to school?

It's been three weeks since school started. It's had its ups and downs. Since its near the holidays, there's a lot of fooding going on and new years cheer. There's still quite a bit of stress too. I'm taking 20 units this semester, my lab work has been going exceedingly slowly, and there's always some drama now, with a cat to take care of and a flu/cold going around. I think I find myself grumpier when I'm around my roommates when they are grumpy as well. This gives the apartment a pretty low note some days.
On the other hand, today was a fairly good day. It was a continuous 8am- 9 pm day. I had class, work, lab, choir and a 30 minute break in between it all. I temporarily forgot my laptop, my drink spilled in my backpack, and the annoying choir friend I wrote about last time called in to ask for another favor. But for some reason, today is still a happy day. I think I was cheered up by an insect ecology class that I snuck into. Ants are a pretty crazy bunch. I think I'm going to sneak into this class more often. It's almost settled, I should be going to Hong Kong this summer before summer school starts! I suppose my happiness could also be contributed to the amount of chocolate I've consumed and the fact that I've resolved not to do any strenuous brain work for the rest of today.
Random notes- Tobi is the sweetest cat I've ever met. I can pull on his tail or slap him when he's being bad, and he's still pretty chill. He'll also climb into bed and sleep next to me. On the other hand, he has a horrible habit of meowing at 6 am in the morning. It's the most pitiful sound in the world. I'm sorry I don't have enough time to play with him, so if anyone wants to come entertain him someday, you're welcome.
Ryan saw that I always use a backpack to carry things and surprised me with a purse. I don't have the heart to tell him that I rarely use them and in fact, have a storage of them. >-< guilt. I mean, it was a very sweet surprise.... Maybe I should hint to him that I have an odd obsession with unusual ceramics instead?

P.S I'm making a list of ALL the places that I've gone to in Berkeley and loved. This way, when you people come visit, you'll have amazing places to go!

Zach: Planning a Treasure Hunt

So.

First post of the new year. Been in classes for three weeks tomorrow. This semester is shaping up to be pretty good. My class load, although large, has been super easy so far. I have been finishing my homework weeks before it is due. The only thing I think I will need to worry about will be possibly clarinet and piano. I need to practice more, but that's whatever.

I have two super easy classes, chemistry and music history. Chemistry is for non-majors so it is super easy. I mean SUPER easy. I do my homework for other classes while in that class. And then music history. I don't know. I feel it should be hard, we haven't had a test yet so I don't know what that will be like, but we haven't really learned anything. I do homework and write lyrics in korean in that class(나를 숫숫숫) so super easy thus far.

I am working a lot, which is super good. I have worked 25 hours so far and I haven't been working everyday. I took off four hours last week, and a three hours the week before that I think, plus I am taking off three hours tomorrow (because everyone in the office will be gone so I can't do anything). BUt working is nice because I can hopefully afford school that way. THis semester is much more expensive than I anticipated.

Friends are.... splitting kinda. Which I am okay with. I have kinda drifted away from my roommates because I have been preoccupied with.... other things..... which I am not so happy about, but it is what it is and I don't think that I would really change it because... well just because. Other friends, the group has gotten too big to really sustain itself. I think it will probably nearly officially break into smaller factions soon, which is somewhat sad, but I am not worried. There is only one group who will be at all hurt by that I think. It would actually probably be best. The only problem is that I have a niche in with all of them.

Anna visited. Be jealous(except Anna of course because she was here). We had a super fun weekend if I do say so myself. Which I do. And I hope that there will be more fun weekends like that.

That's what is going on with me I guess. (Also I am planning a treasure hunt. Should be exciting.)