Anna: Done

I was told that I'm a bad friend today. What a load of bullshit.

Just to clarify, yes this will be another whiny post. I don't blame you if you don't read it. But I am legitimately upset, far more so than I have been in a while, and I need to rant somewhere.

I am a damn good friend. I know that. I'm not trying to brag or be snotty, but that's one of the few things about myself that I am absolutely sure of. You guys all know that I hold friends (true friends) on some sort of holy pedestal. You're my family, you're the people I love, the people I'd do anything for. You understand me, and I feel I understand you pretty well. If you ever needed anything, I'd be there for you, and I know I can count on all of you. We're comrades. "Closer than lovers" and all that jazz.

You all know that it takes me a while to truly open up to people and accept them. I have trust issues...I have this innate fear that people are going to hurt me eventually, or think less of me, or whatever. So I keep most people at an arm's distance. This is why I can safely say that I only have about a handful of true, lifelong friends.

So I'll get to the point now. Someone got legitimately upset at me..oh, maybe half an hour ago. Apparently I'm a "bad friend" because I'm "belittling" an outing with friends. I use the term friends lightly. I like these people well enough (most of the time) but I don't love them. Not at all. Its NOTHING like how I'm friends with all of you. Anyway, this outing is the X-Men premier. Jesus Christ. Its DEAD WEEK, I have THREE papers and a final worth 60%, and I honest to God don't want to go across the river and pay $10 to get into a movie that I feel so-so about.

And this is my problem. There is a group of people here who think that I am morally obligated to be their best friend, to spend all my waking hours with them, to confide my deepest and darkest secrets to them, to live like they do. Otherwise, I'm a bad person. Or in this case, a bad friend, which is actually worse. I'll be the first to claim myself as a bad person. But I am not a bad friend. Not at all. Just because I don't feel comfortable around them does not mean that my overall behavior is selfish. At least, not in this respect. None of them know me. None of them bother to get to know me. They just heap all these expectations on me and get pissed off when I reveal that, actually, I have a mind of my own. I refuse to live my life for them.

What really gets me about all this is that I actually laughed at first. I was genuinely amused that this kid was so upset over something so stupid. So I'm not going to a movie premiere. Whoop-dee-fucking-do. This guy is in his early-late twenties at least....yet I, the 19 year old, feel older than him? Not right.

Which is why I shouldn't even be upset about this. But he hit a sore spot, because I am a damn good fucking friend. I am fiercely loyal to all you guys, and I mean that in the most truthful way. I'm even loyal to friends I'm making here....people who aren't completely ridiculous like this guy is.

It also doesn't help that I've been missing you guys something awful ever since I got back from Turlock. I just keep seeing everywhere around me how people are just not the same as you. No one can replace you, and it just royally sucks that I'm so distanced from you all. It hurts.

Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of this. But he has absolutely no right to go judging me when he has never made a sincere effort to get to know me. And that goes for a lot of these people with their "holier than thou" attitudes and superiority complexes. God, it drives me insane.

It goes without saying, then, that I miss you guys. A whole hell of a lot.

Love.