I just need to say this. I'm terrified I will never go anywhere with life.
When I say that, I don't mean "I don't think I'll be successful" or "I won't be recognized for achievements." I mean I'm scared I won't accomplish any of my goals or make a difference in the world. I'm getting cynical about humanity and about how much I can actually change the world before I've even tried! It just seems like such an impossible task. People slaughtering each other as if its second nature, people starving and dying from disease and genocide and whatnot. These are the issues I'm passionate about. They are what motivate me to get up in the goddamn morning. But it just seems so impossible. Forget the fact that I'm just some nobody from America....how can I possibly tackle such issues as these and actually make a dent in life?
I mean, these aren't just community neighbor squabbles. People are fucking dying. They live in unthinkable poverty, they often don't have access to education or medicine, they often live under harsh dictatorships. Jesus Christ. The list goes on and on, and I just feel like I can't do anything about it. As much as I want all this suffering to just stop, I feel like I'm an ant trying to move a mountain, one grain of sand at a time. And I've still got two fucking years of school left. I'm not supposed to feel this helpless and cynical yet. Not before I've even gone out on the field.
Lets face it, I'm panicking. I have always been able to feel myself moving toward something. Toward my black belt in Taekwando, toward high school graduation and college, toward AP exams, etc. I've always been working for something. But now, I'm just stagnate. Its the first time in my life that I've looked into my future and seen a huge void of nothingness and it scares the hell out of me. I have no plan. I have no strategy of how my life is going to work after I graduate. Where will I go, what will I do, who will I work for, and will my work actually benefit someone? Or will I just be another well-meaning soul who was absorbed into the system and turned into a 9-5 robot?
I can't see myself "going places" and "doing things" because I don't even know where to start. Sure, I'll get my degree and then what? Hope that I can somehow pay for graduate school? Political science isn't a field in which I can plan to be "teacher" or "doctor" or "engineer." I feel like I have to create something out of nothing, and I'm not good at doing that. I'm not an artist. I work with what's given to me, which is why schedules and lists and plans keep me sane.
I'm passionate about what I'm studying. I can't help it. But what good is passion if I don't do anything with it? If all my potential and ambition just withers away while I get distracted by trying to keep myself alive and off the streets? I wouldn't be able to stand that.
God, I'm going crazy.
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I think I've made a similar complaint one too many times to my roommate too, but I did remember one particularly true response. Because all that - AP classes, graduation, college degree- all those things are a very set path- it was easy to be the sheep. Now is the hard part, but I believe in you. You can do it. You will work your way to your dreams. Step by step dear.
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