Heaven: Fall down seven times, get up eight.

It's a beautiful morning. I'm sitting on Sonny's bed, Dodger's lying next to my knee licking his belly, the windows are open, the sun in shining, and I am alive. I laughed really hard all day yesterday. I've been running and trying to eat healthy, but yesterday I drank a milkshake and baked cupcakes with Sonny. We gave them [the cupcakes] to the family across the street and they were so excited they cheered. Everyone in Oakdale is so lively, it seems, and so friendly. It's surprising when I walk past someone and they don't make eye contact and nod their head or say hello. I can walk down the street drinking a beer and no one seems to mind. It makes me realize just how reserved Turlock is.

I love it here. The people, the town, the country. I feel as though there is nothing to worry about when I am left to do as I please in this town. Yesterday evening, Sonny and I sat in a rocking chair on the porch and listened to a Willy Nelson vinyl. I laughed so hard I burst into tears-- I did not laugh so hard that I cried, I laughed so hard that I burst. I don't remember feeling so good. Things have not been easy, but yesterday evening was so good.

Sonny is at work now, and Will is asleep in the next room. I've known Will since I was a child, maybe seven or eight years old. I've always thought of him as family. I've known his boy Wiley since he was born, and Wiley and I have deduced that we are so close as to be cousins. Aubrie is his cousin, and she's my step-mom, so we might as well be. It's funny though, because Will is also Sonny's first cousin. I live in a house full of family. Full of BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. And I cannot be more in love. Even so, it does get lonely when Sonny works from seven to four and I'm trying to find things to do. I do laundry and dishes and sweep, Dodger and I take walks, I play the guitar, I write, I read, I run. Life is slower here, but I am living an old dream and I do not want to be anywhere else.

Except for I have been feeling the urge to just get up and go. Not forever, but I just want to be able to leave freely, no restrictions, to protests, just me and Sonny and Dodger and the road. It'll happen sooner or later, most likely later, but summer has only just begun and I'm already feeling anxious to get on or to get back to school. I'm at a turning point, after transferring-- I do not see any predictable career ahead of me, but I do see this: I see my family, Sonny and Dodger and I and the people that we know and the people that we do not know, and I see myself happy. And that is all that I am looking for in life. No American idealism, no fulfilling other's expectations of me. I see myself living for myself and my family and no other ideals but the ones that we keep. And that is all.