I am stumbling guys. Not stumbling upon. Like stumbling as in struggling. I've been falling into these slumps, but I'm not quite sure how to dig myself out. I write and write and write until I can convince myself to be positive, but then as soon as I'm positive I just convince myself that this positivity is a lie. This hole is too deep to pull myself out of, and the dirt around me is too solid to dig foot holds into the sides with my fingers. I need someone to throw me some tools, toss me a line. I am so dependent right now that it's fucking ridiculous. When the hell do I need anybody? I can do everything ALL BY MY SELF.
Wrong. I can't. I can't do anything on my own again. I'm on the highwire and I forgot to chalk my flats. I've slipped. I'm hanging on. I always do. Today I told my dad that I've spent all my strength in the first twenty years, now I've got none left for the next twenty. He couldn't say anything, just "I know how you feel." I am surrounded by crumbling sandcastles and high tides.
I spent the afternoon with Ashley and it was a really good day, but as soon as anything triggers my anxiety, I crack, and the flood gates open just to relieve some pressure so the whole dam doesn't come crashing down.
Somebody please tell me that everything is going to be okay. I keep telling myself, but I just can't seem to hit the sweet notes that are going to make me believe. Some tap-your-heels-there's-no-place-like-home kinda magic.
Everything is going to be okay in the end, and if it's not okay, then it's not the end. Everything is going to be okay in the end, and if it's not okay, then it's not the end. Everything is going to be okay in the end, and if it's not okay, then it's not the end.
Everything is okay. Everything is okay. Everything is okay.
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Everything will be okay. It might not be okay now, but it will be eventually. It has to be. Also, this might sound presumptuous, but do you need me to come down for a bit??? If you do, I will. Just say the word.
ReplyDeleteJust like Anna said - It'll be okay.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to do either. My instinct is just to hold on, rejuvenate yourself in dreams and sleep, before facing the rest of the world again. You have time on your side. They say that time heals everything, right?
Anyways, I'm just a phone call/video call away right now.
Thanks, friends. You guys are rad and I am eternal grateful to have you in my life.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to put it out there that I'm moving out of this house and Dodger and I are going to be living with Sonny for a little while. I am going to get my car fixed, and try to get a job, so that I can commute to school. It seems stupid of me to move from the town where my school is only a block away from my house, but it's for my own good, probably. I'm not sure exactly what's going on yet. Anyway. I am also going back to counseling. Confidentiality, my ass, especially in this group. :)
I love you guys.