Zach: Oddly at peace

So I'm here, sitting in the airport. I got about two hours of sleep, and I am oddly at peace.

My flight won't start boarding for another thirty-five minutes or so, so I just have to kill time, but I don't know, I'm okay with it.

I've been kinda stressed about my life for a while, but right now, it doesn't really matter.

I've been thinking about the things that are important in my life, and the things that it feels like I will never have, and I have broken down crying more times in the last two months than I have in the six years prior. I've had some help with all of the stuff going on, but most of it I have dealt with on my own, which has always been okay.

Last night I couldn't sleep. Not because I was nervous about the flight or anything, but because I was staying up, thinking about how I want my life to be different, I thought about boarding a plane to Korea, or Japan today instead of going back to California (I really need to break the habit of calling that place home, cause it sure as hell doesn't feel like it anymore[don't get me wrong, I love you guys, and I miss you all terribly, but I just can't take it anymore]). I feel like I just need to do something for myself, something completely selfish, because I feel so empty most of the time.

I feel kinda broken. Like I've given all of myself, and I have nothing left that's me, and I need something that is just for me, no one else. That is what going to Korea or Japan would be. I really want to go to Korea, and learn korean (although just spontaneously flying there probably wouldn't be the best way to learn the language) and I think it would be awesome to go to Japan and see my friends that just left (I miss them a lot already).

One of the main reasons I am not doing it is because I don't exactly have the money at hand, and I don't want to ruin my credit. I thought about it. A one way ticket there is a little less than a thousand dollars, and my credit limit is 1000, so that is fine, and I could pay that off with money is an account I have in Merced. A round trip tick though is over 1000, and I don't have that in an accessible account and it is over my credit limit. Rawr. I just want to go. Away. I need it.

I do get a little time to recover though. I get to come back early. The sixth! I get to be back at my apartment on the sixth. And I will see Beth that day for sure, and probably Andrew. Then they will go on choir tour, and they will get back from that right before everyone else gets back for school and we are going to go ice skating. I am excited!

But yes. That is basically my life right now.

Being in this airport though, I am oddly at peace.