Heaven: Admiral Dolphin Wants YOU to Serve Your Pod!

When the dolphins take to land and over the world, I'm getting the hell out of here. I'm going to live in a houseboat or a treehouse. I'll go anyway I'll do anything just to evade those wretched creatures.

Osama asked me one day, "Do you hate dolphins because they have the potential to be smarter than you?"

"No," I responded, "I hate dolphins because they're evil." I know dolphins are smarter than me, and that's fine. To be cliche, I know I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box, and I'm definitely no competition for the sharpest bottlenose in the pod. I know the potential for a dolphin to leap onto its tail fin and start parading about on the beach. They're thieves. They'll start stealing beach umbrellas and using them as parasols in the sun (dolphins will still have to keep a bit moist, even when they've acclimated to land life). You know how some people have beach weddings; well, can't you just imagine a dolphin leaping out from behind the rent-a-gazebo and wrestling the groom out of his tux. Imagine that the anticipating bride is too shy to look her love in the face when she walks down the aisle, and when she finally gets there, she sees this dolphin in a tuxedo, complete with monocle, top hat, and cufflinks.

Dolphins are going to be CEOs and secret agents and librarians. They're going to send they're calves to kindergarten and gymnastics. Every one of them is a gifted swimmer, so they'd play more challenging sports like soccer and football and ice hockey. A dolphin in a jersey and shoulder pads and a helmet with a face mask. Dolphins will tobaggon in the winter olympics.

These dolphins are going to run the world someday, and if they don't kill all the humans off, we're all going to be wanted fugitives or prisoners of war or science experiments. We'll be those rare pets that the billionaires with three pups and two nannies who spend all their time at work in their skyscrapers or at their ritzy art galleries give to their kids as a pity-gift, as a I-had-sex-to-have-you-but-I-just-don't-have-the-time-right-now-so-here-have-a-puppy kind of thing. We'll be on leashes. We'll be in the zoo. We'll be in glue. We'll be the downtrodden and the outcast and the hunted.

We will be at the bottom of the food chain if we can't show these motherfuckers who's boss. Prepare for the resistance. It's coming.