So It has been almost a week since I have been back at school and it has been an awesome week so far (Except for the whole talking with Jessica on skype right now and her crazy amount of lag).
I moved into my new apartment which is super awesome, and I have the cutest little bathroom ever, just saying. It is a little one bedroom and I think it is just perfect for one, and the occasional guest(s). But I get a roommate in a little over two months, so we will see what happens. I will just enjoy my comfortable little life as it is right now.
I start work for reals tomorrow. I am working at the law school in the admissions office over the summer and I went in for a little while on friday, but I am starting real hours tomorrow. Which will be exciting. I love my job so much. Plus it sometimes gets boring during the day because all of my friends here have jobs and work the same hours that I will be working while I am here.
So starting back at the law school is exciting, but I also recently got another job. I will be teaching elementary to middle schoolers some stuff about music technology in July. It is a small program but I will be working every thursday in July and then whenever else they need me. I think it will be an awesome chance to get more experience working with kids, as well as a good way to make connections in that department so that I can get more jobs in the future. Enough about work though.
Today I finished all of my unpacking. At last I think I did. All of the unpacking I am going to do until school starts. I have some notebooks and things in a box in my dressing room (yes my apartment has a dressing room (really it is just a large closet near the door)).
I have had people over almost everynight. Tuesday it was Kirsten and Nicole. Wednesday it was Brendan, Kirsten, Nicole, Dana, and Kenny. Thursday it was Kirsten, Nicole, Mike, and Anna (yes Anna for those of you who didn't know she was coming for a visit). Friday I went over to Kirsten's apartment. Yesterday I spent almost all of my day with Brendan and half of it with Nicole. And today Kirsten was over in the afternnon, but it is just me right now. It has been fun entertaining and cooking this week. I have made cookies, Portuguese rice pudding, mushroom steak, Dutch bread, tacos, and quite a few sandwiches.
Yesterday I went with Brendan to the Saturday market, he got some vegetable that I don't remember the name of. Then we went to safeway and both got some stuff that we couldn't get at the market. Neither of us felt like making lunch so we went to Smile BBQ, an awesome Korean barbecue place two blocks away. Then we came back to my apartment and played video games for like two hours. We went back to safeway because I needed more ingredients for tacos. We came back to my apartment and invited Nicole over to have tacos with us. I made dinner and dessert, and while dessert was cooling we went to the World Beat Festival.
That was a fun experience. We saw some dancers and went around and looked at all of the stuff for sale at the stands. I got a cool hat, which Jessica saw briefly before her internet decided to suicide.
All in all. I have been having an amazing first week back. I wish I could share it with you guys (I did a little with Anna) but you guys should come visit sometime.
But for now, I think I am going to skype with Jessica (who is now stealing internet), watch some TV on DVD, and go to bed.
Bye. See you soon, hopefully.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Heaven: Fall down seven times, get up eight.
It's a beautiful morning. I'm sitting on Sonny's bed, Dodger's lying next to my knee licking his belly, the windows are open, the sun in shining, and I am alive. I laughed really hard all day yesterday. I've been running and trying to eat healthy, but yesterday I drank a milkshake and baked cupcakes with Sonny. We gave them [the cupcakes] to the family across the street and they were so excited they cheered. Everyone in Oakdale is so lively, it seems, and so friendly. It's surprising when I walk past someone and they don't make eye contact and nod their head or say hello. I can walk down the street drinking a beer and no one seems to mind. It makes me realize just how reserved Turlock is.
I love it here. The people, the town, the country. I feel as though there is nothing to worry about when I am left to do as I please in this town. Yesterday evening, Sonny and I sat in a rocking chair on the porch and listened to a Willy Nelson vinyl. I laughed so hard I burst into tears-- I did not laugh so hard that I cried, I laughed so hard that I burst. I don't remember feeling so good. Things have not been easy, but yesterday evening was so good.
Sonny is at work now, and Will is asleep in the next room. I've known Will since I was a child, maybe seven or eight years old. I've always thought of him as family. I've known his boy Wiley since he was born, and Wiley and I have deduced that we are so close as to be cousins. Aubrie is his cousin, and she's my step-mom, so we might as well be. It's funny though, because Will is also Sonny's first cousin. I live in a house full of family. Full of BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. And I cannot be more in love. Even so, it does get lonely when Sonny works from seven to four and I'm trying to find things to do. I do laundry and dishes and sweep, Dodger and I take walks, I play the guitar, I write, I read, I run. Life is slower here, but I am living an old dream and I do not want to be anywhere else.
Except for I have been feeling the urge to just get up and go. Not forever, but I just want to be able to leave freely, no restrictions, to protests, just me and Sonny and Dodger and the road. It'll happen sooner or later, most likely later, but summer has only just begun and I'm already feeling anxious to get on or to get back to school. I'm at a turning point, after transferring-- I do not see any predictable career ahead of me, but I do see this: I see my family, Sonny and Dodger and I and the people that we know and the people that we do not know, and I see myself happy. And that is all that I am looking for in life. No American idealism, no fulfilling other's expectations of me. I see myself living for myself and my family and no other ideals but the ones that we keep. And that is all.
I love it here. The people, the town, the country. I feel as though there is nothing to worry about when I am left to do as I please in this town. Yesterday evening, Sonny and I sat in a rocking chair on the porch and listened to a Willy Nelson vinyl. I laughed so hard I burst into tears-- I did not laugh so hard that I cried, I laughed so hard that I burst. I don't remember feeling so good. Things have not been easy, but yesterday evening was so good.
Sonny is at work now, and Will is asleep in the next room. I've known Will since I was a child, maybe seven or eight years old. I've always thought of him as family. I've known his boy Wiley since he was born, and Wiley and I have deduced that we are so close as to be cousins. Aubrie is his cousin, and she's my step-mom, so we might as well be. It's funny though, because Will is also Sonny's first cousin. I live in a house full of family. Full of BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. And I cannot be more in love. Even so, it does get lonely when Sonny works from seven to four and I'm trying to find things to do. I do laundry and dishes and sweep, Dodger and I take walks, I play the guitar, I write, I read, I run. Life is slower here, but I am living an old dream and I do not want to be anywhere else.
Except for I have been feeling the urge to just get up and go. Not forever, but I just want to be able to leave freely, no restrictions, to protests, just me and Sonny and Dodger and the road. It'll happen sooner or later, most likely later, but summer has only just begun and I'm already feeling anxious to get on or to get back to school. I'm at a turning point, after transferring-- I do not see any predictable career ahead of me, but I do see this: I see my family, Sonny and Dodger and I and the people that we know and the people that we do not know, and I see myself happy. And that is all that I am looking for in life. No American idealism, no fulfilling other's expectations of me. I see myself living for myself and my family and no other ideals but the ones that we keep. And that is all.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Anna: Done
I was told that I'm a bad friend today. What a load of bullshit.
Just to clarify, yes this will be another whiny post. I don't blame you if you don't read it. But I am legitimately upset, far more so than I have been in a while, and I need to rant somewhere.
I am a damn good friend. I know that. I'm not trying to brag or be snotty, but that's one of the few things about myself that I am absolutely sure of. You guys all know that I hold friends (true friends) on some sort of holy pedestal. You're my family, you're the people I love, the people I'd do anything for. You understand me, and I feel I understand you pretty well. If you ever needed anything, I'd be there for you, and I know I can count on all of you. We're comrades. "Closer than lovers" and all that jazz.
You all know that it takes me a while to truly open up to people and accept them. I have trust issues...I have this innate fear that people are going to hurt me eventually, or think less of me, or whatever. So I keep most people at an arm's distance. This is why I can safely say that I only have about a handful of true, lifelong friends.
So I'll get to the point now. Someone got legitimately upset at me..oh, maybe half an hour ago. Apparently I'm a "bad friend" because I'm "belittling" an outing with friends. I use the term friends lightly. I like these people well enough (most of the time) but I don't love them. Not at all. Its NOTHING like how I'm friends with all of you. Anyway, this outing is the X-Men premier. Jesus Christ. Its DEAD WEEK, I have THREE papers and a final worth 60%, and I honest to God don't want to go across the river and pay $10 to get into a movie that I feel so-so about.
And this is my problem. There is a group of people here who think that I am morally obligated to be their best friend, to spend all my waking hours with them, to confide my deepest and darkest secrets to them, to live like they do. Otherwise, I'm a bad person. Or in this case, a bad friend, which is actually worse. I'll be the first to claim myself as a bad person. But I am not a bad friend. Not at all. Just because I don't feel comfortable around them does not mean that my overall behavior is selfish. At least, not in this respect. None of them know me. None of them bother to get to know me. They just heap all these expectations on me and get pissed off when I reveal that, actually, I have a mind of my own. I refuse to live my life for them.
What really gets me about all this is that I actually laughed at first. I was genuinely amused that this kid was so upset over something so stupid. So I'm not going to a movie premiere. Whoop-dee-fucking-do. This guy is in his early-late twenties at least....yet I, the 19 year old, feel older than him? Not right.
Which is why I shouldn't even be upset about this. But he hit a sore spot, because I am a damn good fucking friend. I am fiercely loyal to all you guys, and I mean that in the most truthful way. I'm even loyal to friends I'm making here....people who aren't completely ridiculous like this guy is.
It also doesn't help that I've been missing you guys something awful ever since I got back from Turlock. I just keep seeing everywhere around me how people are just not the same as you. No one can replace you, and it just royally sucks that I'm so distanced from you all. It hurts.
Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of this. But he has absolutely no right to go judging me when he has never made a sincere effort to get to know me. And that goes for a lot of these people with their "holier than thou" attitudes and superiority complexes. God, it drives me insane.
It goes without saying, then, that I miss you guys. A whole hell of a lot.
Love.
Just to clarify, yes this will be another whiny post. I don't blame you if you don't read it. But I am legitimately upset, far more so than I have been in a while, and I need to rant somewhere.
I am a damn good friend. I know that. I'm not trying to brag or be snotty, but that's one of the few things about myself that I am absolutely sure of. You guys all know that I hold friends (true friends) on some sort of holy pedestal. You're my family, you're the people I love, the people I'd do anything for. You understand me, and I feel I understand you pretty well. If you ever needed anything, I'd be there for you, and I know I can count on all of you. We're comrades. "Closer than lovers" and all that jazz.
You all know that it takes me a while to truly open up to people and accept them. I have trust issues...I have this innate fear that people are going to hurt me eventually, or think less of me, or whatever. So I keep most people at an arm's distance. This is why I can safely say that I only have about a handful of true, lifelong friends.
So I'll get to the point now. Someone got legitimately upset at me..oh, maybe half an hour ago. Apparently I'm a "bad friend" because I'm "belittling" an outing with friends. I use the term friends lightly. I like these people well enough (most of the time) but I don't love them. Not at all. Its NOTHING like how I'm friends with all of you. Anyway, this outing is the X-Men premier. Jesus Christ. Its DEAD WEEK, I have THREE papers and a final worth 60%, and I honest to God don't want to go across the river and pay $10 to get into a movie that I feel so-so about.
And this is my problem. There is a group of people here who think that I am morally obligated to be their best friend, to spend all my waking hours with them, to confide my deepest and darkest secrets to them, to live like they do. Otherwise, I'm a bad person. Or in this case, a bad friend, which is actually worse. I'll be the first to claim myself as a bad person. But I am not a bad friend. Not at all. Just because I don't feel comfortable around them does not mean that my overall behavior is selfish. At least, not in this respect. None of them know me. None of them bother to get to know me. They just heap all these expectations on me and get pissed off when I reveal that, actually, I have a mind of my own. I refuse to live my life for them.
What really gets me about all this is that I actually laughed at first. I was genuinely amused that this kid was so upset over something so stupid. So I'm not going to a movie premiere. Whoop-dee-fucking-do. This guy is in his early-late twenties at least....yet I, the 19 year old, feel older than him? Not right.
Which is why I shouldn't even be upset about this. But he hit a sore spot, because I am a damn good fucking friend. I am fiercely loyal to all you guys, and I mean that in the most truthful way. I'm even loyal to friends I'm making here....people who aren't completely ridiculous like this guy is.
It also doesn't help that I've been missing you guys something awful ever since I got back from Turlock. I just keep seeing everywhere around me how people are just not the same as you. No one can replace you, and it just royally sucks that I'm so distanced from you all. It hurts.
Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of this. But he has absolutely no right to go judging me when he has never made a sincere effort to get to know me. And that goes for a lot of these people with their "holier than thou" attitudes and superiority complexes. God, it drives me insane.
It goes without saying, then, that I miss you guys. A whole hell of a lot.
Love.
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