AJ: Change of Reality

I've always convinced myself that I was going to accept change, that I wasn't afraid of it, and that it was going to be alright. But now that I'm faced with the reality that everyone that I've known and have spent the time to get close to in the past 3 years could potentially disappear from my life in just a couple of weeks, I just realized that I couldn't bear it. I basically had a little breakdown. This little episode began with apartment hunting I suppose. Sue, probably my closest friend here at Berkeley, was the first to decide to sign up for RA duty. It meant free living, free food, a whole lot of responsibility, and most of all, she was moving out. The first sign of change. This also meant the rest of us were moving out. At first, this only meant a new apt, with what was left of our group- Me, Jen, and our cat, Tobi. Now, differences in living, since I can't support what fancy apartments that Jen's parents have in mind for her, I can't live up to those criteria as a mere college undergraduate student trying to support herself with meager wages and 23 units of class. Why can't they understand that? From that point on, the cracks deepened, propagated itself to proportions that I can't accept all at once. It means that I will have to live with other people, that my cat will be mine no longer. I may not be as close to Sue and Jennifer as I once was, or it might turn into the comfortable relationship that I have with all of you. I cannot know yet, and I fear it. And Ryan, whom I once had prepared myself would soon graduate and go on with his own life, is now adding to my fear of change. I've gotten unexpectedly comfortable and familiar with him, more so than I had ever anticipated. They're all moving out of my grasp so quickly, I don't know what will be left of me. I didn't believe it myself at first. I couldn't understand why I was so upset. It was Ryan who pointed it out to me and I suppose I accept his hypothesis. I guess I am the sort of person who doesn't like change. Now that I know it, I'm feel compelled to face it head on. It's a stubborn part of me that doesn't want to conform to the accusation of "one of those people". From here, all the changes that I was looking forward or have accepted as fact- graduation, applying to graduate schools, living without midterms and finding a job- they've all taken a turn to scary. I guess I need some more time. Time that I don't really have on hand.

Anna: I need another fix

I only have a quick update, just a couple things I want to express. I really miss you all, and this calendar year I feel like I've been feeling your absence more acutely than ever. I can't really pinpoint why, but I know I just really, really miss our dynamic, how we can just pick up where we left off, overcome disagreements and arguments like champions, and generally just bounce off each other in the most amazing way.

I've been going to therapy, and its been helping me map out my issues. I can kind of see myself starting to untangle the gigantic mess of tangled threads that make up me. I can find reasons for why I do what I do and why I think what I think. Refreshing is an understatement.

A friend of mine is getting married in September, in Germany. Oh the possibilities. But finances are so...impossible right now. New things keep popping up left and right. But that's life, I guess.

I also am not sleeping as much anymore. Its not stress-related, or homework related. Its a matter of just....not sleeping as much. Either I'm not tired, or I AM tired but I still don't sleep. I don't know. And I've been getting up earlier. Some nights, I sort of just doze in an out, then get ready to start my day at 8 a.m. Its weird. I'm trying to fashion a healthier sleep schedule, but my body doesn't seem to want to.

And that's my life. I found a whole bunch of old CDs earlier tonight and have been importing them into iTunes. Memories. I wish I could say when I next think I'll see you again, but my entire life seems to be up in the air at the moment. So I honestly don't know. But hopefully it will be soon, because I really am overdue to have my second-family fix. :)

Love.

:D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZACHERY!!!

We love you! <3 <3

Heaven: Poop Everywhere

I was just to write a huge blog to you guys about poop, but I think that I will just say,

THE SHITTETH HAST HITTETH THE FAN...ETH.

That's a metaphor by the way. I went to the doctor and you should have heard the gurgle in my stomach. The doctor even pushed on it twice for an extra gurgle to make me laugh. What a nice doctor.

Also, I miss you all. I've been holed up for the past year, ignoring everyone and my Self too, but I'm like one of those crabbies that's outgrown it's shell, now it's time to find a new, bigger, more spacious dwelling. Expect some phone calls because I miss all your voices and if it hasn't been obvious, I'm not the best about skype/facebook chat/google+. Sorry for being such a poopy friend, friends. You're all my #1.

I have a problem about putting everyone else before me when I'm really just craving for someone to give me attention without having first get their attention, "All eyes on me, everyone!" I've been dying for someone to say, "How you doing, Hervie?" but it wasn't until I let out a cry for help that I realized that I've had my family and friends just as much as they've had me. Anyway, I've been spreading myself really thin with all this family stuff going on. For the first time in years, I feel like I can rely on my dad. I've been having stomach problems for the past few days and my dad filled me up with water, tea, prune juice, and senna tabs so that I can fill the toilet full of all the shit brewing in my belly. My grandpa got diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer while my dad was in rehab, he's starting chemo on Monday. They finally moved back into the house, but now the boxed contents of the house have to be unpacked, reorganized (since the garage had to be reconverted back into a garage, we have one less bedroom), and I am officially no longer a resident of Hedstrom Road because my dad moved into my room. Weird, huh. Anyway, I'm focusing on myself for once and it's pretty crazy because I've been so lost and it's like I finally found the string I lost, and I'm following it out of this labyrinth. Hell yeah, go Hervie.

Anyway, all of that aside,

I love you ladies and fellas. I couldn't ask for a better family. Sorry for being a distant cousin for so long, but I'm ready to be a sister again.

By the way, when I bought my post secret tickets, they got delivered to "Sister Heaven." :)

Zach: Fevruary

Of Fevruary:

fevruary has been.... good? I have been teaching. Which has been fun I guess. Some of my students think that they are too cool for some of the stuff we do, but otherwise they have been good, and class has been fun. I have an assistant teacher this time, she mostly just listens to what the kids are creating and encourages them. I do most of the instructionary stuff and practically all of the lesson planning. I also listen tot he student's works and help them.

Valentines day came and went. But I refused to call it that. It was AoE and pizza day. I spent the day playing Age of Empires with Andrew and we had pizza for dinner. Then the night was spent with Andrew in the library, I didn't do any homework if memory serves correctly, because I don't really do homework. Although I am fairly sure I almost cried later that night when I went back to my apartment. I had been working on a video project and I saw a video that had our glasses sitting on the table that is next to my bed. I really wanted that. I'm not over him, and I don't I will be any time soon. Especially because I can't bring myself to not spend time with him. I am with him right now, and probably will be until two in the morning. I feel like he is the only one that I can really spend time with at this point in my life, because he is the only one that I can really talk to, even about him. We do talk about our relationship sometimes, even though he gets really nervous about it when it happens, and it is hard for him to look me in the eye. He feels guilty about breaking up with me, even though he shouldn't be. But things are what they are. I can't really change what the situation is right now, even though I want to most of the time.

And that was my fevruary so far. Tomorrow is Friday and I am excited for sleeping in. That will be a nice thing for me, even though I have been kinda doing that recently. I skipped ballet today and last thursday too, although this one was a complete accident. I had every intention of going. I don't remember turning off my alarm at all. Usually I can remember waking up and just saying to myself "No." and going back to sleep, but today, nothing. I woke up at 8:40 and I was already more than 10 minutes late so it was an absence. And then I fell back asleep and woke up at 9:45, 5 minutes late for my next class. I got there by 9:50 and everything was fine.

Rawr. all of the things. Weekend is soon. adosufh'oauwhrgn;bdnsufh';loGQUWBEF.KGHA;LIUGB;kughlisufbgaklsjbgpaiusdbf;KJFDHiugblaibgliubfgkajsbdf;iusdgbfaksjdbfgilasygvaisdvbbj;bouasfbiuasdlbhjsad.

Bye.

AJ: Dear Anna

Hi Anna,
I started writing a comment to your blog, but I realized that I had so many things to say, that it would be very awkward and long in a comment. I just opted to write a whole new entry. I have a disclaimer to make. I really would like to say things that would comfort you and hopefully ease your feeling of anxiety. But in reality, I'm no psychologist, and as hopeful as I am, I don't know if I'm really good at doing that.

I've been talking to my roommate Sue often lately. As a aspiring doctor and medical student, she seems to have similar stresses. "I'm tired of life", "I don't know if I can make it." "What am I doing with my life?" And I have tried consoling her. But I really can't help.

You're right. The idea that you need to struggle to accomplish something in life is bogus to look right in the face at the moment. It's only an idea that you realize when you look back. Altogether, I don't think it's helping the case right at THIS MOMENT. Are there other things that may actually help?

Stop thinking about the future and what might happen. What do you have to do? Right now? I like the idea of college in that, there are some set schedules and classes, work that you are required to do. You can drop everything else in your life and just focus on just that. Don't focus on the grades - focus on the information that you want to learn in order to do what you want to do. Focus on what you want to get finished. Once that is settled, even sleep and lethargy won't stop you from finishing. All the extra books, dance,clubs might entice you but it's keeping you from your goal and maybe it just has to be put aside for awhile.
- Make a schedule with deadlines, get through it. Its harder than it sounds. I know, I procrastinate.
Is there anything that can alleviate your schedule? So I heard that Arabic isn't your most favorite topic. If you don't like it, and it's such a difficult language, I would imagine studying for it is difficult. Can you take it pass/no pass? Save it for the summer to retake or something like that? You might not think you have time, but from the experience of being in classes with a hoard of pre-meds. Class planning, the best way to take a class without hurting your GPA, the best classes and interests for your resume and such is the bulk of the premed road to success.
Lastly, just for your mental state- You are not failing at life. Just the fact that you have a goal, you mean to accomplish it has already put you on top of so many others. Failing your current goal (that ridiculous notion) doesn't mean that you've failed or are going to fail everything you mean to do. There are millions of ways to save the world, some are just not the most direct paths. They're there.
Besides, what you're going through right now is what others want to know happened. Know that if you can get through this, anything else that they put in front of you will be accomplished. Find your strategy.
Meanwhile, if you can handle the work, I have to say I kind of enjoy the busyness. I like having something that I'm passionate about and am willing to throw my life into. It really makes it feel like you've accomplished.
Most of all, you know that we're behind you and cheering you on 100%.
This is all I have to offer. I cannot help you, nor will comforting you help you get what you want. I don't even know if my advice is sound. It seems logical to me and I'm trying to work my way through it. It's still in a preliminary test in which I haven't even found a main focus yet. Sometimes I envy that you have such a set idea to work with, but that's another rant.

Jiayou Anna!
- Jessica

Anna: ................

So I figured it was time to write an actual update and not a quick airport-bitch post like the last one.

Life is stressful. As always. Except that this is the very first time that I've felt in actual danger of burning out/going off the deep end. I don't know if I'm going to pass Arabic. I am barely keeping this hanging on with regards to MUN. And the only reason my other two classes are functioning parts of my life is because I'm spending more time on them than on Arabic.

I don't even know how to say anything. I am having about a breakdown per day. I've called home (read, Utica) TWICE in four weeks to just cry. I literally feel like everything is spiraling out of control and that this term is it for me. Either I make it and somehow survive Spring until summer hits, or I crash so hard that I won't be able to pick myself up again. Its scary, because failure has never been an option for me. If I get anything lower than a B in any class, I might as well kiss law school goodbye. I need to figure out how to juggle school and an internship or two or three to even be considered by a university such as American or Georgetown or basically anywhere that has the kind of program I'm interested in. And I need to be careful to make sure that everything runs smoothly for MUN so as to not go down in history as the batshit crazy president that fucked everything up.

I'm just a mess. I've never been great at handling stress, but this is a whole new level of incapability. I have never felt more demotivated, helpless, or disgusted in myself in my entire college career. I know I fell into another depression cycle after I came back from New York, but I didn't think it'd get this bad. Where my life starts to spin in crazy circles and I either don't sleep or sleep too much and I can't think of anything without wanting to cry. I was depressed last winter too, and I was taking 16 credits (I'm only taking 12 now) and I pulled through great.

The thing is, I keep being lulled into a false sense of security by random mental health things, like an overnight trip to Seattle or a weekend in Salem or something. Both of those were great, but as soon as I got back everything crashed again. I just don't even know. I tend to plan out my life and schedule everything, and while I can usually handle unexpected events and changes in the plan, I don't know what to do with this. I don't know how to handle the feeling that my entire life is about to crash and burn.

I know I sound dramatic, but I literally don't have anything else except school. I'm lucky that I get so much financial aid to allow my mom and I to pay for school, but money is quickly running out. This is my only chance. School is the only thing I have ever really been good at. I have other hobbies, sure, but they're not honed enough for me to make any kind of living on. My whole life has been entirely academically oriented. Do well through junior high to get a scholarship for expensive Catholic high school. Do well throughout high school to get scholarships in college. Do well in college to even be considered for admittance to any type of graduate/law program. Or career opportunity. I don't need to be New-York-penthouse-jet-to-Europe-every-other-week rich, but I want to be successful. Successful in the sense that I am working toward something and that I have attained the goals I worked so hard to reach. In the sense that I am engaging life and learning everyday, not just going through the bare-minimum movements and pretending I'm happy. But the way everything is structured, my worth is based on marks on a paper. Grades, activities, performance at internships, etc. And if I can't upkeep that, then I am absolutely nothing in the eyes of anyone making any of the decisions.

I always hear "failure is an essential part of life. Its a learning experience." Absolute shit. Sometimes failure is inevitable, sure, and you could learn from it if you had the right outlook, but crap like that leads people to think that you don't have to try hard or basically work for anything because if you fail, well, its a healthy organic process of growth. No. No. No. No. I can't stress that enough. Failure is not accepted in the path I want to go into. Failure is a measurement indicator people use to decide who to throw aside and forget about. I can't afford to fail because then everything is over, because everyone is conditioned to look for perfect people who do everything perfectly and can perfectly fill the role of lawyer, grad student, whatever. The fact that I burned myself out/worked too hard too fast/tried to keep everything together but just couldn't at that point in time.....no one will care.

I'm freaking out, obviously, because I can't handle having worked hard all my life to fail now. Maybe it sounds like I'm overreacting, but this is the lowest I can remember being in quite a long time. I don't know what to do. Its not going away, its not getting better after having talked to people and after having taken some time off to think. Nothing is helping and I don't know what to do.

Except say "fuck it all" and buy a train ticket to Cali for Spring Break regardless of what my finances are. I can starve for a while, I don't care. I need to be around awesome people I love in a non-stressful situation.