It’s 5 am. I’m cuddling with yet another cat, Pistachio this time in Salem, Oregon. (Hi Zach, it’s getting harder to promise that I won’t steal him.)
Less than a month later, so much has changed. I have changed? I am happy to announce that despite all my worrying; I am officially a licensed Doctor of Physical Therapy! I have a job starting next week, which is nerve-wracking but exciting at the same time. I’m nervous about my capabilities and performance, but I have taken an oath to do my best upon graduation and I am committed to doing just that.
I took a moment to evaluate my life during the previous couple of weeks and decided that instead of moping about and waiting for all these things to happen, I was going to do something. In that, instead of being inside my thoughts, I really needed “TO DO”. So here’s my list from the last two weeks.
1. Dye hair - I have been wanting to dye my hair purple for years. Worried about school appearances, worried about job appearances, worried about parent’s opinions. But I received an “they have a policy but they don’t enforce it”, which is perfectly acceptable to me, so it’s done. Purple, blue, red streaks on the lower half of my hair. I am so excited every time I look down and see an explosion of color. It makes me happy.
2. Road trip- Ever since my pre-graduation road trip with my friend from PT school, I have been yearning to go again. I just wanted to get away. Away from the apartment, away from Ryan, away from thoughts, my worries, my anxieties. So here is my chance. Between all the checkups, background checks, medical clearances, I made time to fit in a 6 day road trip. Thank you to Zach for taking me in. Thank you for Henry for accompanying me and enhancing the experience.
3. Be spontaneous – This was true, to a certain degree. I was not about to overdraw accounts, hitch hike somewhere unknown, or quit my job and move to Seattle. Though some thoughts do sprout up from time to time. Having unplanned days with only the thought to get out of the house was freeing. I enjoyed a lot of naps in the park, watching people go about their lives in amazing ways. I started reading a book, finally, after years of peer reviewed articles. I connected with a person, with no plans/worries about what is to happen next, except to stay safe and stay friends. I made friends with two cats and had some small conversations with strangers. (Tiny steps.)
4. Reuniting with friends - I’m not finished with this task, but I hope to never. I am okay with this. Since my previous post, I really wanted to meet up with everyone and see how you’ve been. I was lucky enough to catch up with quite a few people since starting my “To do” list and I am so very grateful for it. I felt loved, encouraged, validated, empowered. I shared secrets, received some, discussed a lot about our lives. I’m not alone and I wish not to let anyone around me be either.
5. Be myself – Work in progress. I’ve recently questioned so much of myself. Am I really being and executing who I want to be? It felt like such a failure when it came to discussions with Ryan. But that is one person’s opinion. I have not been perfect, but I absolutely accept that and strive to be better at it. I have displayed my absolute honest opinion, and to be respected/respectfully challenged at it. I have been able to be my sarcastic self again and be understood for what it was, and nothing more. I showed concern, and was accepted instead of being told I was over reacting. I am wanted and useful, for some reason or another. Sometimes not quite how I intended. But it has been reassuring to know that I can just be myself.
6. Learn about myself - I was able to learn about other people’s lives and their perspectives and I wish to seek more to find where my opinions lie.
7. More to do: Move Out to a place so I can 1.Get a cat. 2. get a dog. Train a therapy dog. Learn ASL. Certified hippotherapy specialist. Learn Spanish. Resume violin. Continue Wushu/Taichi, Exercise. Photography, swing dance, pottery, gardening, weaving, cooking, gaming...ect.
I reread some of my old posts this morning and some of yours. I have changed a lot, but in some ways, I also surprised myself with how much I knew, but refused to change as well. I realized how much of me is influenced by you. For that, I thank you so much for shaping me, for teaching me, and sharing your lives with me.
So, this is nothing of poetry or literature, just a reminder to myself of one moment in time, of adventures, of thoughts, to get me back on my feet.
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Thursday, July 26, 2018
Jess (AJ): Loved by cats
Hi Everyone
In a fit of nostalgia, I managed to wander back to our blog. I was planning to just reminisce on our early days, but to my surprise, Zach, an update! In comparison to my 4 year hiatus, I still consider a post from 1 year ago, fairly recent. So, with some help with the password, and some complaints in my head about the old-fashioned format of blog posts, here I am, on Word, composing my own update as well.
First of all, I miss you all. I know you’re all very busy and amazing people now, but I do hope I will be able to meet up and pick up where we left off again soon. I’m so proud of what everyone has accomplished- finishing grad school, teaching students, traveling across the country, being independent.
I’m currently sitting on a couch, waiting for the results for my licensing exam. If I pass, I get to practice physical therapy and be in charge of somehow improving people’s functional lives. And if I fail, well, I’m trying very hard not to think of that right now. But I have a backup plan, because I can’t help making backup plans, probably some short summer job until I’m able to take it again in 3 months. I’m sitting on a couch with two cats, walking over me – Tobi and Sophie, meowing and trying to get my attention. I love them to bits. Too bad they aren’t mine anymore, they belong to Ryan. And Ryan- the ex-boyfriend, but not really, but maybe, is now, just not. Which is sad, because I was able to see a future together, in the past. Now, I’ll just really miss these cats.
I guess it brings me to the point, while “open relationship” is a triggering word for me, because I didn’t understand what that meant in the past. Now having lived through that, it just isn’t for me. Or maybe it was just executed horribly- open on one end, lacking in communication, whatnot. I am so glad that it’s going well for you, Zach. I hope it still is, given that it’s been a year out and stalking the you on Instagram looks beautiful and fun. When is the wedding? I feel like I’ve been waiting for the chance to visit again forever.
I learned a little bit about myself. Apparently I’m annoyingly persistent, quick-tempered, judgemental, and overly defensive. I’m not very goal orientated, not very social, and sleep too much. Or at least that’s what Ryan told me, that he felt. Which also sometimes makes me want to rise to the challenge and do all that to irritate him. I do feel a little lost at the moment. Am I really that annoying? I thought my best traits were loyalty and persistence, but it seems to have failed me in this aspect so far. Basically, my response has been to suppress everything on this front. It’s a puzzle I can’t understand, even though it’s probably something I should have suffered through back in college or something.
I’m job hunting at the moment, hoping to get into a hospital to work with neurologic patients, maybe even go into a residency in the near future. There’s also a niche I’ve discovered, working with pediatric patients in hippotherapy. Using horse riding as a tool for therapy. I would get to be outside, with horses and dogs and kids. What more would I want? I’m interested in learning American Sign Language now. The younger patients are sometimes more responsive to ASL, and I can use it like a secret language, potentially. Now, if I can just get over my post-grad school burnout and crack open the books Lance (formerly Leslie) has so graciously given me. I meet up with her/him/them, and Kaeli fairly often these days, if not just to go out to eat or play Pokemon Go. I went to back to wushu after a 5 year hiatus yesterday, prompted by all the friends- and former wushu athletes, whom I watch anime with every Tuesday evening. Everything hurts, but it’s a good kind of pain. I do feel quite at home here in the Bay Area, with old friends all around, even with Ryan around. But I wonder if I should get away sometimes. With a license, I could work in Hawaii, Alaska, New York, Washington, there’s so much potential.
I can’t believe we’re 26-27 now. “Adulting” still seems so hard. I’m indecisive about what to do, even for the near future. Tell me how you are handling the world, I’m all ears for advice.
Thinking of you all, while I cuddle with these cats.
P.S. I haven't heard the nickname AJ in such a long time.
In a fit of nostalgia, I managed to wander back to our blog. I was planning to just reminisce on our early days, but to my surprise, Zach, an update! In comparison to my 4 year hiatus, I still consider a post from 1 year ago, fairly recent. So, with some help with the password, and some complaints in my head about the old-fashioned format of blog posts, here I am, on Word, composing my own update as well.
First of all, I miss you all. I know you’re all very busy and amazing people now, but I do hope I will be able to meet up and pick up where we left off again soon. I’m so proud of what everyone has accomplished- finishing grad school, teaching students, traveling across the country, being independent.
I’m currently sitting on a couch, waiting for the results for my licensing exam. If I pass, I get to practice physical therapy and be in charge of somehow improving people’s functional lives. And if I fail, well, I’m trying very hard not to think of that right now. But I have a backup plan, because I can’t help making backup plans, probably some short summer job until I’m able to take it again in 3 months. I’m sitting on a couch with two cats, walking over me – Tobi and Sophie, meowing and trying to get my attention. I love them to bits. Too bad they aren’t mine anymore, they belong to Ryan. And Ryan- the ex-boyfriend, but not really, but maybe, is now, just not. Which is sad, because I was able to see a future together, in the past. Now, I’ll just really miss these cats.
I guess it brings me to the point, while “open relationship” is a triggering word for me, because I didn’t understand what that meant in the past. Now having lived through that, it just isn’t for me. Or maybe it was just executed horribly- open on one end, lacking in communication, whatnot. I am so glad that it’s going well for you, Zach. I hope it still is, given that it’s been a year out and stalking the you on Instagram looks beautiful and fun. When is the wedding? I feel like I’ve been waiting for the chance to visit again forever.
I learned a little bit about myself. Apparently I’m annoyingly persistent, quick-tempered, judgemental, and overly defensive. I’m not very goal orientated, not very social, and sleep too much. Or at least that’s what Ryan told me, that he felt. Which also sometimes makes me want to rise to the challenge and do all that to irritate him. I do feel a little lost at the moment. Am I really that annoying? I thought my best traits were loyalty and persistence, but it seems to have failed me in this aspect so far. Basically, my response has been to suppress everything on this front. It’s a puzzle I can’t understand, even though it’s probably something I should have suffered through back in college or something.
I’m job hunting at the moment, hoping to get into a hospital to work with neurologic patients, maybe even go into a residency in the near future. There’s also a niche I’ve discovered, working with pediatric patients in hippotherapy. Using horse riding as a tool for therapy. I would get to be outside, with horses and dogs and kids. What more would I want? I’m interested in learning American Sign Language now. The younger patients are sometimes more responsive to ASL, and I can use it like a secret language, potentially. Now, if I can just get over my post-grad school burnout and crack open the books Lance (formerly Leslie) has so graciously given me. I meet up with her/him/them, and Kaeli fairly often these days, if not just to go out to eat or play Pokemon Go. I went to back to wushu after a 5 year hiatus yesterday, prompted by all the friends- and former wushu athletes, whom I watch anime with every Tuesday evening. Everything hurts, but it’s a good kind of pain. I do feel quite at home here in the Bay Area, with old friends all around, even with Ryan around. But I wonder if I should get away sometimes. With a license, I could work in Hawaii, Alaska, New York, Washington, there’s so much potential.
I can’t believe we’re 26-27 now. “Adulting” still seems so hard. I’m indecisive about what to do, even for the near future. Tell me how you are handling the world, I’m all ears for advice.
Thinking of you all, while I cuddle with these cats.
P.S. I haven't heard the nickname AJ in such a long time.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Zach: Life is Different Here
Hi All,
No one has posted in over three years, but I was just thinking of how different life in now, and how far we have each come/gone. I thought I would post an update about my life, as we don't catch up often.
I'm working at Willamette, have been for almost 2 years. It is a fine job. I'm not expected to do anything once I leave work and it pays the bills, plus my coworkers are nice, and it is fun to be sarcastic with students. It is a little weird to be on campus as an alumnus, but usually only when I see faculty who I had as a student (especially because I barely graduated).
Stephen and I are celebrating our 4 year anniversary today. His little brother was living with us for a while, but he is moving out this week, so we will have our house to ourselves again. We're currently renting but hope to be buying at the beginning of next year (then I am getting a dog, or three). I feel like we are becoming "real adults"; we bought some patio furniture this last weekend. Still don't know when we will actually get married, but I think it will be in the next year or so (probably 2018, after we get a house).
Something that I think no one would have ever expected or thought from me, but Stephen and I have talked about and thought a lot about it and decided to open our relationship, so we are technically in an open relationship. I won't post details about it here, but it is going really well I think. I don't think we will have an open relationship forever, and I don't think we will become a "thruple" with anyone (although maybe, who knows), but it is working well. We can go into detail if you want next time we see each other, but I thought I would tell you guys (I've actually only told one other person so far, so you guys are kind of the first to know).
I feel like life has fallen more or less into a routine now. Work Monday through Friday. On Tuesdays my friend Mike comes over to play video games. On Sundays I play Dungeons and Dragons. Saturdays I got to the farmer's market. I waste the other days mostly watching tv. I've consumed soooo much media in my life. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm trying to get more into some somewhat active hobbies. I'm getting into woodworking, and have some tools to build things. I haven't done anything all that nice yet, but I am getting ready to do a set of shelves for my office, and I think it will turn out good. I'm also getting into gardening. I want to become an Oregon Master Gardener, but the classes you have to take to be a certified master gardener are every Monday January-March during work, so I understand why only old people are Master Gardeners now; basically only retired people can do it.
I performed with the fire dancing club at Wulapalooza for the 8th year in a row. I think I am going to do 10 years, before I'm too "old" to do it anymore, and then I'll stop going. But I'm also performing for a tourism thing that the state is doing, so that's kind of cool.
I tried joining a queer fantasy book club because I want to consume more queer media, but it never really took off, so I read the first book, then we never talked about it. Now I am neither reading any books, not really consuming any other queer media (although I did recently start watching Broad City which has been fun, if a little over the top.)
I'm kind of just blathering now...
I miss you all terribly, and would love to hear about how things are different for you now. I know the Jessicas are in school, Anna is moving to the east coast?, Yvette in Married, Heaven is teaching. But what's life like now? Where are you? I miss you all.
TTFN
No one has posted in over three years, but I was just thinking of how different life in now, and how far we have each come/gone. I thought I would post an update about my life, as we don't catch up often.
I'm working at Willamette, have been for almost 2 years. It is a fine job. I'm not expected to do anything once I leave work and it pays the bills, plus my coworkers are nice, and it is fun to be sarcastic with students. It is a little weird to be on campus as an alumnus, but usually only when I see faculty who I had as a student (especially because I barely graduated).
Stephen and I are celebrating our 4 year anniversary today. His little brother was living with us for a while, but he is moving out this week, so we will have our house to ourselves again. We're currently renting but hope to be buying at the beginning of next year (then I am getting a dog, or three). I feel like we are becoming "real adults"; we bought some patio furniture this last weekend. Still don't know when we will actually get married, but I think it will be in the next year or so (probably 2018, after we get a house).
Something that I think no one would have ever expected or thought from me, but Stephen and I have talked about and thought a lot about it and decided to open our relationship, so we are technically in an open relationship. I won't post details about it here, but it is going really well I think. I don't think we will have an open relationship forever, and I don't think we will become a "thruple" with anyone (although maybe, who knows), but it is working well. We can go into detail if you want next time we see each other, but I thought I would tell you guys (I've actually only told one other person so far, so you guys are kind of the first to know).
I feel like life has fallen more or less into a routine now. Work Monday through Friday. On Tuesdays my friend Mike comes over to play video games. On Sundays I play Dungeons and Dragons. Saturdays I got to the farmer's market. I waste the other days mostly watching tv. I've consumed soooo much media in my life. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm trying to get more into some somewhat active hobbies. I'm getting into woodworking, and have some tools to build things. I haven't done anything all that nice yet, but I am getting ready to do a set of shelves for my office, and I think it will turn out good. I'm also getting into gardening. I want to become an Oregon Master Gardener, but the classes you have to take to be a certified master gardener are every Monday January-March during work, so I understand why only old people are Master Gardeners now; basically only retired people can do it.
I performed with the fire dancing club at Wulapalooza for the 8th year in a row. I think I am going to do 10 years, before I'm too "old" to do it anymore, and then I'll stop going. But I'm also performing for a tourism thing that the state is doing, so that's kind of cool.
I tried joining a queer fantasy book club because I want to consume more queer media, but it never really took off, so I read the first book, then we never talked about it. Now I am neither reading any books, not really consuming any other queer media (although I did recently start watching Broad City which has been fun, if a little over the top.)
I'm kind of just blathering now...
I miss you all terribly, and would love to hear about how things are different for you now. I know the Jessicas are in school, Anna is moving to the east coast?, Yvette in Married, Heaven is teaching. But what's life like now? Where are you? I miss you all.
TTFN
Monday, February 17, 2014
AJ: Insignificants
I see it's been a bit lonely over in this corner of the world. Busy lives, errands, and career goals can do that to you. I thought I would just take some time to ramble, especially since I can't seem to garble up any energy to accomplish anything until I managed to get it all out somewhere.
I started the day at seven, busied myself for ten hours, tried to fill myself up with all the sugar, videos and indulgences, but it seems my heart won't still until I put it in an outlet. So, here it is.
The background story is that Ryan and I broke up approximately six months ago. Nonetheless, even if we weren't always a traditional couple, we aren't magnificent at breaking up either. Perhaps it's my interdependent nature, perhaps it's because now I'm far away from my close family, most friends, and of course, you, I ended up spending all my extra time with Ryan despite the breakup. In truth and retrospect, I had hopes we'd somehow repair whatever gap we had found ourselves in. Delusional, hopeful thoughts, and silly, but I couldn't help it.I'm a romantic at the core. Now we're back at the beginning, maybe the beginning of the end?
I still feel as if I can tell him what I would to my closest of friends and vice-versa. He still feels the need to treat me and be close by. Just like the beginning- mixed messages, confiding, yet no real significance.
We've talked it out though, he's been moving on. I can't move quite as fast, but I can at least give up useless daydreams. I wanted to drop these thoughts off. Off into a safe, insignificant little medium and free myself to pick up significant things. Maybe Ryan was right, I did seem overly content with life, boring, and dependent. I'm scared of change, but it's not true I have no dreams. I've been dallying, I've been putting my dreams into the wrong place, I've procrastinated and I've been lazy. I hope to put these thoughts here to rest and pick up the dreams that matter.
I started the day at seven, busied myself for ten hours, tried to fill myself up with all the sugar, videos and indulgences, but it seems my heart won't still until I put it in an outlet. So, here it is.
The background story is that Ryan and I broke up approximately six months ago. Nonetheless, even if we weren't always a traditional couple, we aren't magnificent at breaking up either. Perhaps it's my interdependent nature, perhaps it's because now I'm far away from my close family, most friends, and of course, you, I ended up spending all my extra time with Ryan despite the breakup. In truth and retrospect, I had hopes we'd somehow repair whatever gap we had found ourselves in. Delusional, hopeful thoughts, and silly, but I couldn't help it.I'm a romantic at the core. Now we're back at the beginning, maybe the beginning of the end?
I still feel as if I can tell him what I would to my closest of friends and vice-versa. He still feels the need to treat me and be close by. Just like the beginning- mixed messages, confiding, yet no real significance.
We've talked it out though, he's been moving on. I can't move quite as fast, but I can at least give up useless daydreams. I wanted to drop these thoughts off. Off into a safe, insignificant little medium and free myself to pick up significant things. Maybe Ryan was right, I did seem overly content with life, boring, and dependent. I'm scared of change, but it's not true I have no dreams. I've been dallying, I've been putting my dreams into the wrong place, I've procrastinated and I've been lazy. I hope to put these thoughts here to rest and pick up the dreams that matter.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Anna: Thanks
I was suicidal once upon a time, in junior high and my first year of high school, before I met most of you. I've never felt quite that way again, and I really think its because of you. Even if we don't see each other much anymore or even speak much, we always seem to pick up where we left off. You are literally the best friends I have ever had, and I don't know what I'd do without you.
I know we might (probably will) go separate ways in life. Our horizons will expand as we learn and grow and include more and more people in our personal bubbles, and that's okay. I'm lucky to have had you guys, and to still have you in whatever capacity I do. Sometimes I honestly don't know why people keep me around, but I think I'm starting to care less and less. I know its possible to choose a family instead of simply being born into a broken one. And the fact that I've had that experience, that I've had all of you, for however long or short a time, keeps me alive.
I'm trying to be happy. Its easy some days and unbelievably difficult some others. But I'm trying.
I know we might (probably will) go separate ways in life. Our horizons will expand as we learn and grow and include more and more people in our personal bubbles, and that's okay. I'm lucky to have had you guys, and to still have you in whatever capacity I do. Sometimes I honestly don't know why people keep me around, but I think I'm starting to care less and less. I know its possible to choose a family instead of simply being born into a broken one. And the fact that I've had that experience, that I've had all of you, for however long or short a time, keeps me alive.
I'm trying to be happy. Its easy some days and unbelievably difficult some others. But I'm trying.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Anna: Short and sweet
I need to get out of Portland.
Really though. I need to leave and live in a different area for a while, because I am 98% certain that this place is driving me crazy. I've hardly recognized myself the past few months, and I hate that. I absolutely hate it.
Really though. I need to leave and live in a different area for a while, because I am 98% certain that this place is driving me crazy. I've hardly recognized myself the past few months, and I hate that. I absolutely hate it.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
AJ- A Practice Round
I'm wracked with guilt.
Actually, I'm being melodramatic. The situation is not terribly dire. I just feel extremely disgusted with myself for being so terribly lazy in the last few weeks after graduating. I have a lengthy list of chores I must accomplish. Graduate school applications, job hunting, internship hunting, essays, testing. Life after graduation does not look as glorious as it once seemed.
This is a practice round. I can't remember the last time I wrote a piece which I have felt is more than adequate for anything. No longer have I felt the immense satisfaction and pride after finishing a paper required for class. I no longer remember more than a mere inkling of the work that Mrs. Asgill and Mr. Huth have so painstakingly drilled into our mind. What is left now is a faint memory of the satisfaction and a mourning of that feeling. I want it back. At least, I want to write something that I would be able to reread and not feel I had merely thrown some words together, not like what I'm doing at the moment. I want it to give the reader that, at least a some point, there had been a little blood and sweat infused with the work. That it's worth reading, that I'm worth considering. So, this is my practice round. My warm up, my motivation to begin again.
Actually, I'm being melodramatic. The situation is not terribly dire. I just feel extremely disgusted with myself for being so terribly lazy in the last few weeks after graduating. I have a lengthy list of chores I must accomplish. Graduate school applications, job hunting, internship hunting, essays, testing. Life after graduation does not look as glorious as it once seemed.
This is a practice round. I can't remember the last time I wrote a piece which I have felt is more than adequate for anything. No longer have I felt the immense satisfaction and pride after finishing a paper required for class. I no longer remember more than a mere inkling of the work that Mrs. Asgill and Mr. Huth have so painstakingly drilled into our mind. What is left now is a faint memory of the satisfaction and a mourning of that feeling. I want it back. At least, I want to write something that I would be able to reread and not feel I had merely thrown some words together, not like what I'm doing at the moment. I want it to give the reader that, at least a some point, there had been a little blood and sweat infused with the work. That it's worth reading, that I'm worth considering. So, this is my practice round. My warm up, my motivation to begin again.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Zach: Airport Hopping
Hey there,
So I am sitting in SEATAC right now waiting for my flight back down past PDX and Salem to California. Fun times. The internet here sucks.
So life has been bad and good, as life does, and I guess it is my turn to update errybody on my life n' stuffs.
So, one more semester to go. At the end of this semester it was just about passing classes, I didn't really care about what grade I got, as long as I passed. I think I have accomplished this. We'll see in about a weeks time.
Next semester will hopefully be the easiest semester yet, but because I kind of didn't care at the end of this semester, things might be a little bit harder than they have to be next semester.
In personal related stuff. I signed up for online dating. Don't judge me. :P I started talking to someone about two weeks ago and went on a date with him on Thursday. We have been talking a lot, prolly a few hours every day, and I have good feelings about this. I want to take it slow though, just in case. Awkward thing though, his name is Zach. Which I don't care about, but I feel that it is awkward to introduce him to other people because we have the same name, but talking to him and spending time with him is nice.
I got a new camera, which Jessica already knows, and I Yvette, but yeah. I am excited about it. I get to have a lot of fun messing with new camera settings and features and learning more about filming stuffffffffff. I am excited.
But anyway, life is looking up I think. I am excited about only having one more semester of school. I am happy about my personal relationships, just starting and otherwise. I am looking forward to seeing people back in Turlock and then coming back up for Anna's birthday!
I miss you all,
Zach
So I am sitting in SEATAC right now waiting for my flight back down past PDX and Salem to California. Fun times. The internet here sucks.
So life has been bad and good, as life does, and I guess it is my turn to update errybody on my life n' stuffs.
So, one more semester to go. At the end of this semester it was just about passing classes, I didn't really care about what grade I got, as long as I passed. I think I have accomplished this. We'll see in about a weeks time.
Next semester will hopefully be the easiest semester yet, but because I kind of didn't care at the end of this semester, things might be a little bit harder than they have to be next semester.
In personal related stuff. I signed up for online dating. Don't judge me. :P I started talking to someone about two weeks ago and went on a date with him on Thursday. We have been talking a lot, prolly a few hours every day, and I have good feelings about this. I want to take it slow though, just in case. Awkward thing though, his name is Zach. Which I don't care about, but I feel that it is awkward to introduce him to other people because we have the same name, but talking to him and spending time with him is nice.
I got a new camera, which Jessica already knows, and I Yvette, but yeah. I am excited about it. I get to have a lot of fun messing with new camera settings and features and learning more about filming stuffffffffff. I am excited.
But anyway, life is looking up I think. I am excited about only having one more semester of school. I am happy about my personal relationships, just starting and otherwise. I am looking forward to seeing people back in Turlock and then coming back up for Anna's birthday!
I miss you all,
Zach
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Anna: Love
So I've been really enjoying this relaxing weekend, telling myself I should do homework but instead cuddling up in my aunt's huge armchair and watching another musical. Not getting online until 8 p.m. or so. Eating food. Making food. Sleeping. Even with the beginnings of a sore throat, this has been wonderful. I am happy.
I hope you all had as a relaxing Thanksgiving weekend as I am!! Love you all.
Edit: Nevermind, I'm definitely sick and it sucks. At least it was nice while it lasted??
I hope you all had as a relaxing Thanksgiving weekend as I am!! Love you all.
Edit: Nevermind, I'm definitely sick and it sucks. At least it was nice while it lasted??
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Heaven: FUCK YEAH I'M FINALLY IN!!!
Hey guys, I made it! My computer has been redirecting me to my school email everytime I try to log in, so this is a momentous occasion for me! I finally get to post!
Anyway, all I really wanted to post was a poem I wrote-- it's the first poem I've written in over a year, believe it or not! This depression has had me in a funk, but the poem will say everything I've been needing to say for a long time.
You guys are awesome, and thinking about you gave me the hope to persevere.
The Long Winter
January 2011- October 2012
I look back
On those metaphors
And similes
I had when
I was a kid—
Sinking ships
Train wrecks
Old India Ink
Pumping through
My bloodstream.
Peter,
when did I
grow old?
When did I
lay down
my pen?
How long have I
Been grieving,
Wandering
This labyrinth?
Divorce
Abuse
Depression
Death
Drug addiction
Blame blame blame
Fire
Fight
Fright
Dad, I know—
I understand now
But then
I was just so afraid
You would die;
That I’d come in
To shake you awake
And find you stiff
Instead of pale
And shivering.
And then there were
The fights;
The slamming doors.
“Why don’t you just go
Take some fucking pills!”
I scream
After Dad tells me
I am
Heartless
Cold
And mean.
I feel blank.
I am alone.
I am stupid
Fat
Ugly
The Great Paradox:
Am I living
Or dying
In this mortal body?
I convinced myself
Death
Was the next
Big adventure,
Until my heart
Went supernova.
It stopped beating;
I stopped breathing.
Sipping into silence…
All is calm
Before the storm.
The firetrucks.
The ambulance.
The smoke.
Anxiety attacks.
Sitting in the
Hospital parking lot
Until I stop
Shaking.
Sleep, sleep.
I watch Grandpa
Grow grayer and grayer,
Thinner and thinner.
I plea him to go
To the doctor.
He is too worried
About Dad.
About me, too.
Every day
I cry
Until my boyfriend
Pulls the pillows
Over his head,
To drown
The sound of
Me
Drowning.
I try to save Christmas
Now that Dad, Grandpa,
And the dog
Live in a hotel room.
I dress up as
The Christmas Faerie.
Me and Dad fight—
“Shut up,” he rumbles,
When I tell him
He is not welcome
To do drugs
In my home.
Even so,
He’s giving us all
The best gift—
He agreed to go
To Rehab.
Finally
Relief
Life
Can
Slow
Down
But
Then
The Big “C” strikes—
Who knew that
Time
Could stop
After the blur
Of years
Blind.
Now
We drive Grandpa
To chemotherapy,
Feed him everything
The doctor recommends.
I get him a lap dog
Since he can’t
Get out too much
Anymore.
She’s in love with him.
For once, the whole family
Is together—aunts, uncles,
Cousins, brothers, sisters,
Nieces, nephews—
We throw a birthday party;
We host a dinner;
Play cards;
Watch TV;
Sit and Talk, mostly—
Remember
Laugh
Cry.
We get a record player
And listen to
Glenn Miller, Loretta Lynn,
And old Broadway vinyl.
I write a song.
I read a book.
I sew a quilt.
I knit a toy.
I walk my dog.
I drink whiskey.
I make friends.
I dance.
We light a bonfire
At the cabin
And I throw my shoes in
And laugh.
I smoke more pot than ever.
And I’m in love,
With Sonny Malcom,
And the trees,
And life.
Dad’s getting married.
Grandpa’s staying strong.
And I’m finally writing again.
Anyway, all I really wanted to post was a poem I wrote-- it's the first poem I've written in over a year, believe it or not! This depression has had me in a funk, but the poem will say everything I've been needing to say for a long time.
You guys are awesome, and thinking about you gave me the hope to persevere.
The Long Winter
January 2011- October 2012
I look back
On those metaphors
And similes
I had when
I was a kid—
Sinking ships
Train wrecks
Old India Ink
Pumping through
My bloodstream.
Peter,
when did I
grow old?
When did I
lay down
my pen?
How long have I
Been grieving,
Wandering
This labyrinth?
Divorce
Abuse
Depression
Death
Drug addiction
Blame blame blame
Fire
Fight
Fright
Dad, I know—
I understand now
But then
I was just so afraid
You would die;
That I’d come in
To shake you awake
And find you stiff
Instead of pale
And shivering.
And then there were
The fights;
The slamming doors.
“Why don’t you just go
Take some fucking pills!”
I scream
After Dad tells me
I am
Heartless
Cold
And mean.
I feel blank.
I am alone.
I am stupid
Fat
Ugly
The Great Paradox:
Am I living
Or dying
In this mortal body?
I convinced myself
Death
Was the next
Big adventure,
Until my heart
Went supernova.
It stopped beating;
I stopped breathing.
Sipping into silence…
All is calm
Before the storm.
The firetrucks.
The ambulance.
The smoke.
Anxiety attacks.
Sitting in the
Hospital parking lot
Until I stop
Shaking.
Sleep, sleep.
I watch Grandpa
Grow grayer and grayer,
Thinner and thinner.
I plea him to go
To the doctor.
He is too worried
About Dad.
About me, too.
Every day
I cry
Until my boyfriend
Pulls the pillows
Over his head,
To drown
The sound of
Me
Drowning.
I try to save Christmas
Now that Dad, Grandpa,
And the dog
Live in a hotel room.
I dress up as
The Christmas Faerie.
Me and Dad fight—
“Shut up,” he rumbles,
When I tell him
He is not welcome
To do drugs
In my home.
Even so,
He’s giving us all
The best gift—
He agreed to go
To Rehab.
Finally
Relief
Life
Can
Slow
Down
But
Then
The Big “C” strikes—
Who knew that
Time
Could stop
After the blur
Of years
Blind.
Now
We drive Grandpa
To chemotherapy,
Feed him everything
The doctor recommends.
I get him a lap dog
Since he can’t
Get out too much
Anymore.
She’s in love with him.
For once, the whole family
Is together—aunts, uncles,
Cousins, brothers, sisters,
Nieces, nephews—
We throw a birthday party;
We host a dinner;
Play cards;
Watch TV;
Sit and Talk, mostly—
Remember
Laugh
Cry.
We get a record player
And listen to
Glenn Miller, Loretta Lynn,
And old Broadway vinyl.
I write a song.
I read a book.
I sew a quilt.
I knit a toy.
I walk my dog.
I drink whiskey.
I make friends.
I dance.
We light a bonfire
At the cabin
And I throw my shoes in
And laugh.
I smoke more pot than ever.
And I’m in love,
With Sonny Malcom,
And the trees,
And life.
Dad’s getting married.
Grandpa’s staying strong.
And I’m finally writing again.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Anna: Postscript...
In other news, I am basically questioning my whole life and the direction I'm going and what the fuck I want to do until I die. So I decided if by the the time I graduate I don't have a plan/something lined up, I will take whatever money I have saved and fucking run away somewhere where I don't know anyone and no one knows me and I will start over.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Anna: Too tired to think of a title
So I am taking Jewish/Israeli Literature as my last Cluster course (University Studies...don't ask), and my professor reminds me an AWFUL lot of Mr. Huth.
Seriously. He waxed poetic for a while about the scope of the class, giving us some key terms and literary references (similar to how Huth did) and he asked a student to act out a scene with him to drive home his point about the literary use of the shtetl as an allegory (again, don't ask). The whole time I was thinking...wow. This takes me back.
I don't think he'll be quite as awesome as Huth, but you never know. I just wanted to share this very important fact with you all.
In other news, I am tired as hell for some reason. Its only 7:30 and I'm ready for bed. Unbelievable. There's also this gnawing anxious feeling in my chest that I'm forgetting something really damn important but for the life of me I cannot figure out what it is.
Love.
Seriously. He waxed poetic for a while about the scope of the class, giving us some key terms and literary references (similar to how Huth did) and he asked a student to act out a scene with him to drive home his point about the literary use of the shtetl as an allegory (again, don't ask). The whole time I was thinking...wow. This takes me back.
I don't think he'll be quite as awesome as Huth, but you never know. I just wanted to share this very important fact with you all.
In other news, I am tired as hell for some reason. Its only 7:30 and I'm ready for bed. Unbelievable. There's also this gnawing anxious feeling in my chest that I'm forgetting something really damn important but for the life of me I cannot figure out what it is.
Love.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
AJ- Everything is Well and Content
Looks like we've made it through all of July without a single post. I thought I would insert my input on this summer before the fall semester begins. I have nothing to complain; life seems to be going well.
First, I have just survived two summer classes, anatomy and economy. I think I've survived the class, however I prefer not to think about grades at the moment. I have gotten addicted to League of Legends this summer, courtesy of Ryan. Meanwhile, Ryan has gone to China and come back over the course of two months. He has been visiting me every weekend so far, which I am very happy about and grateful for. I am unsure of how long he can actually keep up this commute and what will happen when we enter into a semi- long distance relationship. For that part, I shall have to wait and see. I try not to plan too much about that.
I'm attempting to get back into wushu. I have been a bit klutzy so far, but it's working out well. I have new roommates this year, and a new apartment, at a new location. At first I was quite scared at what would happen to my relationship with Sue and Jennifer, and that my relationship with them would dwindle and die. It hasn't happened yet, and if I can help it, I won't let it happen. There will be changes, but I'm no longer scared that we will not be friends. I hope we will be able to stay as close as we used to be though. If it turns out to be half the relationship that I have with you guys, I think it will be alright. My new roommates, Gail and Chloe are a junior and sophomore respectively. They're younger and fresher, yet we get along well. It has only been a mere two months but the next 10 months here looks very feasible.
Summer seems to finally be starting up for me. I have a week an a half to finally work on lab, go places, and play LoL without the worries of midterms and finals. Looking back though, the summer wasn't all that hectic. I still had time to make macarons, cookies, muffins, and dinners. I got "kidnapped" to ice-cream and karaoke. I made a new friend through LoL- Eric- whom Zach knows quite well now since he also plays with me. Eric keeps me company by messages at work or just randomly showing up for a chat. He is an interesting individual. I haven't quite figured out how he wormed himself into my and my friends lives so easily. Everyone seems to love his company and I find myself drawn to observing him.
Eric and Lexi visited just this Sunday. I haven't gotten much time to catch up with them in the past and in one afternoon, I learned so much about them and from them. I feel like I've missed out so much by being such a recluse in the past. I am still working on this socializing and initiating conversation deal, but hanging out with them made me realize how much I've changed in these three years. I still have Zach's two trips up to SF and Berkeley to look forward to,Les Miz to attend, and Irene may be heading up at some point. I have a feeling that this will be a great end to the summer and I plan to enjoy every last moment.
First, I have just survived two summer classes, anatomy and economy. I think I've survived the class, however I prefer not to think about grades at the moment. I have gotten addicted to League of Legends this summer, courtesy of Ryan. Meanwhile, Ryan has gone to China and come back over the course of two months. He has been visiting me every weekend so far, which I am very happy about and grateful for. I am unsure of how long he can actually keep up this commute and what will happen when we enter into a semi- long distance relationship. For that part, I shall have to wait and see. I try not to plan too much about that.
I'm attempting to get back into wushu. I have been a bit klutzy so far, but it's working out well. I have new roommates this year, and a new apartment, at a new location. At first I was quite scared at what would happen to my relationship with Sue and Jennifer, and that my relationship with them would dwindle and die. It hasn't happened yet, and if I can help it, I won't let it happen. There will be changes, but I'm no longer scared that we will not be friends. I hope we will be able to stay as close as we used to be though. If it turns out to be half the relationship that I have with you guys, I think it will be alright. My new roommates, Gail and Chloe are a junior and sophomore respectively. They're younger and fresher, yet we get along well. It has only been a mere two months but the next 10 months here looks very feasible.
Summer seems to finally be starting up for me. I have a week an a half to finally work on lab, go places, and play LoL without the worries of midterms and finals. Looking back though, the summer wasn't all that hectic. I still had time to make macarons, cookies, muffins, and dinners. I got "kidnapped" to ice-cream and karaoke. I made a new friend through LoL- Eric- whom Zach knows quite well now since he also plays with me. Eric keeps me company by messages at work or just randomly showing up for a chat. He is an interesting individual. I haven't quite figured out how he wormed himself into my and my friends lives so easily. Everyone seems to love his company and I find myself drawn to observing him.
Eric and Lexi visited just this Sunday. I haven't gotten much time to catch up with them in the past and in one afternoon, I learned so much about them and from them. I feel like I've missed out so much by being such a recluse in the past. I am still working on this socializing and initiating conversation deal, but hanging out with them made me realize how much I've changed in these three years. I still have Zach's two trips up to SF and Berkeley to look forward to,Les Miz to attend, and Irene may be heading up at some point. I have a feeling that this will be a great end to the summer and I plan to enjoy every last moment.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Anna: Reminiscing last weekend
A bit late, but hey. Last weekend was.....spectacular. There's a word I haven't used in a while. And although Zach still needs to upload video (ahem!!), I hope the Facebook pictures and this post and the random phone calls also made people happy. I'm not going to rant too much about the state of my mind during finals time, but suffice it to say I was not at any high point. But Heaven's arrival soon reversed all that. I can't stress enough how wonderful it was to just pick up where we left off, and also show her around my stomping grounds a bit. After the crazy year we both had, I think it was beyond necessary. Its nice that the weather decided to cooperate as well, for the most part at least.
That first night (last Thursday) was basically us hanging out and enjoying each other's presence again. We drank, we colored. I had turned in my last final that evening and was finally free from everything known as school. We planned epic plans for the rest of the weekend.
The following morning, we got coffee with my friend Angie (who was the ONLY one of my friends in town/not busy with graduating, and only for that one morning)and soaked up the rare phenomenon called sun, which only really happens once or twice throughout the late autumn/winter/early spring so all of us Portlanders naturally forget about it. Zach drove up and met us shortly after, and we went on a food cart adventure (side note: the food carts here are AMAZING. Like...woah. I wish we'd had time/money to visit more of them because good Lord. There is a reason we have an annual food cart festival under the Morrison Bridge, that's all I'm saying). Immediately after that there was the obligatory Powell's adventure, in all of its four-story bookstore glory. I am so unbelievably proud of myself that I managed to resist buying the five or six books I wanted to. We then wandered around the Pearl District for a bit, and ducked into a curiosity shop full of imported knick knacks from Asia. Then up up up we walked to NW 23rd Avenue, a neat little neighborhood (street, rather) of restaurants and boutiques and shops. We stopped at a tea house and had delicious bubble tea (which is documented on Facebook), and I found an amazing Himalayan arts and wares store that I sort of lost myself in for about 15 or 20 minutes. Back to my apartment we went, then off to Salem for the night.
Fun ensued. Drinks ensued. I embarrassed myself thoroughly and we all watched different lengths of Princess Mononoke. The next morning was us dealing with hangovers and making waffles (well, Zach making waffles and me pointedly not listening to him and washing his dishes). Heaven got a quick tour of the beautiful Willamette Campus, and we frolicked in its rose garden for a minute. Then off to the Columbia River Gorge....until Zach remembered he had forgotten his wallet. So we headed back to Salem and decided, "hell, let's stop at a Jack 'N the Box, because we are all suddenly craving fast food." A heart-attack meal, Heaven-driving-in-place-of-a-sleepy-Zach, and car shenanigans later, we arrived at the Gorge in the late afternoon (again, documented). Zach stalked Koreans, we were all three stalked by three gay men, and we decided to walk a trail to a waterfall then deviate from said trail and climb up a slope to the main highway. Only to have to climb back down to the waterfall a few minutes later. :P Thoroughly exhausted, we went back to my apartment and stayed there for the rest of the evening.
Sunday was the day of the zoo and the humid humid weather (although I hear that its worse in upstate NY. Ick). We spent a good hour and a half (maybe even almost two hours) at the Oregon Zoo, which was both interesting and slightly depressing at points. The treatment of the elephants and the monkeys upset me. But we survived it reasonably well, and went back downtown to grab lunch at Little Big Burger and see the participants of that morning's Pride Parade strut around. Then Quelf games and banana muffin baking at my apartment ensued. Zach departed for Salem, and Heaven and I went for a short walk down to the waterfront (which, honestly, is one of my favorite places in Portland. Its beautiful.) We talked life, then headed back to downtown to talk more life over late night milkshakes (which were delicious). That quickly turned into a good old-fashioned movie night that our group of friends is so good at doing.
Monday was synonymous with awesome. Heaven and I ventured across the river to Hawthorne St, another street/neighborhood in Portland and by far the one that her and I were most impressed with. I showed her Paleo's Dessert house, my favorite coffee-place in the city, and the circular rose gardens in the middle of Ladd's Addition. We walked up Hawthorne more and explored the shops there (there was an AWESOME toy store that is now my go-to place anytime I need to get something for my nieces). We had lunch at the Cup and Saucer cafe, which possibly has the most amazing food ever, then walked through adorable neighborhoods to Belmont St. From Belmont (I kid you not) we walked from SE 39th all the way to the river (almost 40 streets), across the Morrison Bridge (which was terrifying and I'm never fucking doing it again) then up to the MAX stop at Pioneer Courthouse. 50 blocks or so, give or take. We were exhausted and wanted bubble tea. We found a place with super comfortable chairs and camped out there for a while, with our bubble tea, refusing to move. That night was another quiet one, with a quick trip to Powell's again for hot chocolate and another movie (Shakespeare in Love, which was rather ridiculous but also entertaining).
Tuesday we got ready for Heaven to leave in the afternoon. It was a rather calm day in which neither of us really wanted to spend more money, and I eventually saw her off at 2:30 at the train station.
That was almost literally a play by play. Again: Zach = video. Pester him for it if you would like to see it in existence. The weekend was honestly the best thing to happen to me in a while, and it was the PERFECT transition from a trainwreck of a year to a hopefully smoother summer (jury's still out, but my fingers are crossed!) I only wish it could have been a reunion proper, with all of us, but I'm happy for what I got. I love you all, and thank you so much Heaven for coming up. And also for the encouraging messages you left me. They are displayed on my fridge as reminders. :)
Love. <3
That first night (last Thursday) was basically us hanging out and enjoying each other's presence again. We drank, we colored. I had turned in my last final that evening and was finally free from everything known as school. We planned epic plans for the rest of the weekend.
The following morning, we got coffee with my friend Angie (who was the ONLY one of my friends in town/not busy with graduating, and only for that one morning)and soaked up the rare phenomenon called sun, which only really happens once or twice throughout the late autumn/winter/early spring so all of us Portlanders naturally forget about it. Zach drove up and met us shortly after, and we went on a food cart adventure (side note: the food carts here are AMAZING. Like...woah. I wish we'd had time/money to visit more of them because good Lord. There is a reason we have an annual food cart festival under the Morrison Bridge, that's all I'm saying). Immediately after that there was the obligatory Powell's adventure, in all of its four-story bookstore glory. I am so unbelievably proud of myself that I managed to resist buying the five or six books I wanted to. We then wandered around the Pearl District for a bit, and ducked into a curiosity shop full of imported knick knacks from Asia. Then up up up we walked to NW 23rd Avenue, a neat little neighborhood (street, rather) of restaurants and boutiques and shops. We stopped at a tea house and had delicious bubble tea (which is documented on Facebook), and I found an amazing Himalayan arts and wares store that I sort of lost myself in for about 15 or 20 minutes. Back to my apartment we went, then off to Salem for the night.
Fun ensued. Drinks ensued. I embarrassed myself thoroughly and we all watched different lengths of Princess Mononoke. The next morning was us dealing with hangovers and making waffles (well, Zach making waffles and me pointedly not listening to him and washing his dishes). Heaven got a quick tour of the beautiful Willamette Campus, and we frolicked in its rose garden for a minute. Then off to the Columbia River Gorge....until Zach remembered he had forgotten his wallet. So we headed back to Salem and decided, "hell, let's stop at a Jack 'N the Box, because we are all suddenly craving fast food." A heart-attack meal, Heaven-driving-in-place-of-a-sleepy-Zach, and car shenanigans later, we arrived at the Gorge in the late afternoon (again, documented). Zach stalked Koreans, we were all three stalked by three gay men, and we decided to walk a trail to a waterfall then deviate from said trail and climb up a slope to the main highway. Only to have to climb back down to the waterfall a few minutes later. :P Thoroughly exhausted, we went back to my apartment and stayed there for the rest of the evening.
Sunday was the day of the zoo and the humid humid weather (although I hear that its worse in upstate NY. Ick). We spent a good hour and a half (maybe even almost two hours) at the Oregon Zoo, which was both interesting and slightly depressing at points. The treatment of the elephants and the monkeys upset me. But we survived it reasonably well, and went back downtown to grab lunch at Little Big Burger and see the participants of that morning's Pride Parade strut around. Then Quelf games and banana muffin baking at my apartment ensued. Zach departed for Salem, and Heaven and I went for a short walk down to the waterfront (which, honestly, is one of my favorite places in Portland. Its beautiful.) We talked life, then headed back to downtown to talk more life over late night milkshakes (which were delicious). That quickly turned into a good old-fashioned movie night that our group of friends is so good at doing.
Monday was synonymous with awesome. Heaven and I ventured across the river to Hawthorne St, another street/neighborhood in Portland and by far the one that her and I were most impressed with. I showed her Paleo's Dessert house, my favorite coffee-place in the city, and the circular rose gardens in the middle of Ladd's Addition. We walked up Hawthorne more and explored the shops there (there was an AWESOME toy store that is now my go-to place anytime I need to get something for my nieces). We had lunch at the Cup and Saucer cafe, which possibly has the most amazing food ever, then walked through adorable neighborhoods to Belmont St. From Belmont (I kid you not) we walked from SE 39th all the way to the river (almost 40 streets), across the Morrison Bridge (which was terrifying and I'm never fucking doing it again) then up to the MAX stop at Pioneer Courthouse. 50 blocks or so, give or take. We were exhausted and wanted bubble tea. We found a place with super comfortable chairs and camped out there for a while, with our bubble tea, refusing to move. That night was another quiet one, with a quick trip to Powell's again for hot chocolate and another movie (Shakespeare in Love, which was rather ridiculous but also entertaining).
Tuesday we got ready for Heaven to leave in the afternoon. It was a rather calm day in which neither of us really wanted to spend more money, and I eventually saw her off at 2:30 at the train station.
That was almost literally a play by play. Again: Zach = video. Pester him for it if you would like to see it in existence. The weekend was honestly the best thing to happen to me in a while, and it was the PERFECT transition from a trainwreck of a year to a hopefully smoother summer (jury's still out, but my fingers are crossed!) I only wish it could have been a reunion proper, with all of us, but I'm happy for what I got. I love you all, and thank you so much Heaven for coming up. And also for the encouraging messages you left me. They are displayed on my fridge as reminders. :)
Love. <3
Monday, May 7, 2012
Zach: Grabble Grabble Grah!
Hurrah! I passed my Mallet Proficiency!
It means I am one step closer to graduating. To get my music ed degree I need to pass four different proficiencies and I am woefully behind. Usually at this point people are done, or only have on left, and I have only done one, and I barely passed. I have so much farther to go, but it does feel nice to have passed this one. I am hoping that over the summer I can prepare for another and play it right when we start school again so that I will be halfway done and only have to do 2 during the school year, instead of the remaining three.
In other news: One of my favorite vloggers replied to one of my tweets today, which was really exciting, even though it is kind of insignificant.
I have 4 jobs for this summer, maybe 5, so that's something.
I should be back in Cali in August, probably mid August, and I will be bringing people. Minimum one Japanese student (not Andrew) and Maximum 3 me thinks(Kirsten, Dillon, and Ryousuke). It should be a fun summer, what with all of the work, and none of the school, and all of the fun times. GRAH. Must also practice this summer. Summer isn't going to be a break, but that doesn't mean that it won't be fun.
So Yeah! I was just excited about passing, even if it was just barely, and I felt like I needed to tell someone, and you guys were it.
Also I have been listening to Dirty Hister No Nose by The Week(which is meekakitty and nanalew and some other people I don't know from the internet). I love the internet. See you guys on it later.
It means I am one step closer to graduating. To get my music ed degree I need to pass four different proficiencies and I am woefully behind. Usually at this point people are done, or only have on left, and I have only done one, and I barely passed. I have so much farther to go, but it does feel nice to have passed this one. I am hoping that over the summer I can prepare for another and play it right when we start school again so that I will be halfway done and only have to do 2 during the school year, instead of the remaining three.
In other news: One of my favorite vloggers replied to one of my tweets today, which was really exciting, even though it is kind of insignificant.
I have 4 jobs for this summer, maybe 5, so that's something.
I should be back in Cali in August, probably mid August, and I will be bringing people. Minimum one Japanese student (not Andrew) and Maximum 3 me thinks(Kirsten, Dillon, and Ryousuke). It should be a fun summer, what with all of the work, and none of the school, and all of the fun times. GRAH. Must also practice this summer. Summer isn't going to be a break, but that doesn't mean that it won't be fun.
So Yeah! I was just excited about passing, even if it was just barely, and I felt like I needed to tell someone, and you guys were it.
Also I have been listening to Dirty Hister No Nose by The Week(which is meekakitty and nanalew and some other people I don't know from the internet). I love the internet. See you guys on it later.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
AJ: Change of Reality
I've always convinced myself that I was going to accept change, that I wasn't afraid of it, and that it was going to be alright. But now that I'm faced with the reality that everyone that I've known and have spent the time to get close to in the past 3 years could potentially disappear from my life in just a couple of weeks, I just realized that I couldn't bear it. I basically had a little breakdown.
This little episode began with apartment hunting I suppose. Sue, probably my closest friend here at Berkeley, was the first to decide to sign up for RA duty. It meant free living, free food, a whole lot of responsibility, and most of all, she was moving out. The first sign of change. This also meant the rest of us were moving out. At first, this only meant a new apt, with what was left of our group- Me, Jen, and our cat, Tobi.
Now, differences in living, since I can't support what fancy apartments that Jen's parents have in mind for her, I can't live up to those criteria as a mere college undergraduate student trying to support herself with meager wages and 23 units of class. Why can't they understand that? From that point on, the cracks deepened, propagated itself to proportions that I can't accept all at once. It means that I will have to live with other people, that my cat will be mine no longer. I may not be as close to Sue and Jennifer as I once was, or it might turn into the comfortable relationship that I have with all of you. I cannot know yet, and I fear it. And Ryan, whom I once had prepared myself would soon graduate and go on with his own life, is now adding to my fear of change. I've gotten unexpectedly comfortable and familiar with him, more so than I had ever anticipated. They're all moving out of my grasp so quickly, I don't know what will be left of me.
I didn't believe it myself at first. I couldn't understand why I was so upset. It was Ryan who pointed it out to me and I suppose I accept his hypothesis. I guess I am the sort of person who doesn't like change. Now that I know it, I'm feel compelled to face it head on. It's a stubborn part of me that doesn't want to conform to the accusation of "one of those people". From here, all the changes that I was looking forward or have accepted as fact- graduation, applying to graduate schools, living without midterms and finding a job- they've all taken a turn to scary. I guess I need some more time. Time that I don't really have on hand.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Anna: I need another fix
I only have a quick update, just a couple things I want to express. I really miss you all, and this calendar year I feel like I've been feeling your absence more acutely than ever. I can't really pinpoint why, but I know I just really, really miss our dynamic, how we can just pick up where we left off, overcome disagreements and arguments like champions, and generally just bounce off each other in the most amazing way.
I've been going to therapy, and its been helping me map out my issues. I can kind of see myself starting to untangle the gigantic mess of tangled threads that make up me. I can find reasons for why I do what I do and why I think what I think. Refreshing is an understatement.
A friend of mine is getting married in September, in Germany. Oh the possibilities. But finances are so...impossible right now. New things keep popping up left and right. But that's life, I guess.
I also am not sleeping as much anymore. Its not stress-related, or homework related. Its a matter of just....not sleeping as much. Either I'm not tired, or I AM tired but I still don't sleep. I don't know. And I've been getting up earlier. Some nights, I sort of just doze in an out, then get ready to start my day at 8 a.m. Its weird. I'm trying to fashion a healthier sleep schedule, but my body doesn't seem to want to.
And that's my life. I found a whole bunch of old CDs earlier tonight and have been importing them into iTunes. Memories. I wish I could say when I next think I'll see you again, but my entire life seems to be up in the air at the moment. So I honestly don't know. But hopefully it will be soon, because I really am overdue to have my second-family fix. :)
Love.
I've been going to therapy, and its been helping me map out my issues. I can kind of see myself starting to untangle the gigantic mess of tangled threads that make up me. I can find reasons for why I do what I do and why I think what I think. Refreshing is an understatement.
A friend of mine is getting married in September, in Germany. Oh the possibilities. But finances are so...impossible right now. New things keep popping up left and right. But that's life, I guess.
I also am not sleeping as much anymore. Its not stress-related, or homework related. Its a matter of just....not sleeping as much. Either I'm not tired, or I AM tired but I still don't sleep. I don't know. And I've been getting up earlier. Some nights, I sort of just doze in an out, then get ready to start my day at 8 a.m. Its weird. I'm trying to fashion a healthier sleep schedule, but my body doesn't seem to want to.
And that's my life. I found a whole bunch of old CDs earlier tonight and have been importing them into iTunes. Memories. I wish I could say when I next think I'll see you again, but my entire life seems to be up in the air at the moment. So I honestly don't know. But hopefully it will be soon, because I really am overdue to have my second-family fix. :)
Love.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Heaven: Poop Everywhere
I was just to write a huge blog to you guys about poop, but I think that I will just say,
THE SHITTETH HAST HITTETH THE FAN...ETH.
That's a metaphor by the way. I went to the doctor and you should have heard the gurgle in my stomach. The doctor even pushed on it twice for an extra gurgle to make me laugh. What a nice doctor.
Also, I miss you all. I've been holed up for the past year, ignoring everyone and my Self too, but I'm like one of those crabbies that's outgrown it's shell, now it's time to find a new, bigger, more spacious dwelling. Expect some phone calls because I miss all your voices and if it hasn't been obvious, I'm not the best about skype/facebook chat/google+. Sorry for being such a poopy friend, friends. You're all my #1.
I have a problem about putting everyone else before me when I'm really just craving for someone to give me attention without having first get their attention, "All eyes on me, everyone!" I've been dying for someone to say, "How you doing, Hervie?" but it wasn't until I let out a cry for help that I realized that I've had my family and friends just as much as they've had me. Anyway, I've been spreading myself really thin with all this family stuff going on. For the first time in years, I feel like I can rely on my dad. I've been having stomach problems for the past few days and my dad filled me up with water, tea, prune juice, and senna tabs so that I can fill the toilet full of all the shit brewing in my belly. My grandpa got diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer while my dad was in rehab, he's starting chemo on Monday. They finally moved back into the house, but now the boxed contents of the house have to be unpacked, reorganized (since the garage had to be reconverted back into a garage, we have one less bedroom), and I am officially no longer a resident of Hedstrom Road because my dad moved into my room. Weird, huh. Anyway, I'm focusing on myself for once and it's pretty crazy because I've been so lost and it's like I finally found the string I lost, and I'm following it out of this labyrinth. Hell yeah, go Hervie.
Anyway, all of that aside,
I love you ladies and fellas. I couldn't ask for a better family. Sorry for being a distant cousin for so long, but I'm ready to be a sister again.
By the way, when I bought my post secret tickets, they got delivered to "Sister Heaven." :)
THE SHITTETH HAST HITTETH THE FAN...ETH.
That's a metaphor by the way. I went to the doctor and you should have heard the gurgle in my stomach. The doctor even pushed on it twice for an extra gurgle to make me laugh. What a nice doctor.
Also, I miss you all. I've been holed up for the past year, ignoring everyone and my Self too, but I'm like one of those crabbies that's outgrown it's shell, now it's time to find a new, bigger, more spacious dwelling. Expect some phone calls because I miss all your voices and if it hasn't been obvious, I'm not the best about skype/facebook chat/google+. Sorry for being such a poopy friend, friends. You're all my #1.
I have a problem about putting everyone else before me when I'm really just craving for someone to give me attention without having first get their attention, "All eyes on me, everyone!" I've been dying for someone to say, "How you doing, Hervie?" but it wasn't until I let out a cry for help that I realized that I've had my family and friends just as much as they've had me. Anyway, I've been spreading myself really thin with all this family stuff going on. For the first time in years, I feel like I can rely on my dad. I've been having stomach problems for the past few days and my dad filled me up with water, tea, prune juice, and senna tabs so that I can fill the toilet full of all the shit brewing in my belly. My grandpa got diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer while my dad was in rehab, he's starting chemo on Monday. They finally moved back into the house, but now the boxed contents of the house have to be unpacked, reorganized (since the garage had to be reconverted back into a garage, we have one less bedroom), and I am officially no longer a resident of Hedstrom Road because my dad moved into my room. Weird, huh. Anyway, I'm focusing on myself for once and it's pretty crazy because I've been so lost and it's like I finally found the string I lost, and I'm following it out of this labyrinth. Hell yeah, go Hervie.
Anyway, all of that aside,
I love you ladies and fellas. I couldn't ask for a better family. Sorry for being a distant cousin for so long, but I'm ready to be a sister again.
By the way, when I bought my post secret tickets, they got delivered to "Sister Heaven." :)
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Zach: Fevruary
Of Fevruary:
fevruary has been.... good? I have been teaching. Which has been fun I guess. Some of my students think that they are too cool for some of the stuff we do, but otherwise they have been good, and class has been fun. I have an assistant teacher this time, she mostly just listens to what the kids are creating and encourages them. I do most of the instructionary stuff and practically all of the lesson planning. I also listen tot he student's works and help them.
Valentines day came and went. But I refused to call it that. It was AoE and pizza day. I spent the day playing Age of Empires with Andrew and we had pizza for dinner. Then the night was spent with Andrew in the library, I didn't do any homework if memory serves correctly, because I don't really do homework. Although I am fairly sure I almost cried later that night when I went back to my apartment. I had been working on a video project and I saw a video that had our glasses sitting on the table that is next to my bed. I really wanted that. I'm not over him, and I don't I will be any time soon. Especially because I can't bring myself to not spend time with him. I am with him right now, and probably will be until two in the morning. I feel like he is the only one that I can really spend time with at this point in my life, because he is the only one that I can really talk to, even about him. We do talk about our relationship sometimes, even though he gets really nervous about it when it happens, and it is hard for him to look me in the eye. He feels guilty about breaking up with me, even though he shouldn't be. But things are what they are. I can't really change what the situation is right now, even though I want to most of the time.
And that was my fevruary so far. Tomorrow is Friday and I am excited for sleeping in. That will be a nice thing for me, even though I have been kinda doing that recently. I skipped ballet today and last thursday too, although this one was a complete accident. I had every intention of going. I don't remember turning off my alarm at all. Usually I can remember waking up and just saying to myself "No." and going back to sleep, but today, nothing. I woke up at 8:40 and I was already more than 10 minutes late so it was an absence. And then I fell back asleep and woke up at 9:45, 5 minutes late for my next class. I got there by 9:50 and everything was fine.
Rawr. all of the things. Weekend is soon. adosufh'oauwhrgn;bdnsufh';loGQUWBEF.KGHA;LIUGB;kughlisufbgaklsjbgpaiusdbf;KJFDHiugblaibgliubfgkajsbdf;iusdgbfaksjdbfgilasygvaisdvbbj;bouasfbiuasdlbhjsad.
Bye.
fevruary has been.... good? I have been teaching. Which has been fun I guess. Some of my students think that they are too cool for some of the stuff we do, but otherwise they have been good, and class has been fun. I have an assistant teacher this time, she mostly just listens to what the kids are creating and encourages them. I do most of the instructionary stuff and practically all of the lesson planning. I also listen tot he student's works and help them.
Valentines day came and went. But I refused to call it that. It was AoE and pizza day. I spent the day playing Age of Empires with Andrew and we had pizza for dinner. Then the night was spent with Andrew in the library, I didn't do any homework if memory serves correctly, because I don't really do homework. Although I am fairly sure I almost cried later that night when I went back to my apartment. I had been working on a video project and I saw a video that had our glasses sitting on the table that is next to my bed. I really wanted that. I'm not over him, and I don't I will be any time soon. Especially because I can't bring myself to not spend time with him. I am with him right now, and probably will be until two in the morning. I feel like he is the only one that I can really spend time with at this point in my life, because he is the only one that I can really talk to, even about him. We do talk about our relationship sometimes, even though he gets really nervous about it when it happens, and it is hard for him to look me in the eye. He feels guilty about breaking up with me, even though he shouldn't be. But things are what they are. I can't really change what the situation is right now, even though I want to most of the time.
And that was my fevruary so far. Tomorrow is Friday and I am excited for sleeping in. That will be a nice thing for me, even though I have been kinda doing that recently. I skipped ballet today and last thursday too, although this one was a complete accident. I had every intention of going. I don't remember turning off my alarm at all. Usually I can remember waking up and just saying to myself "No." and going back to sleep, but today, nothing. I woke up at 8:40 and I was already more than 10 minutes late so it was an absence. And then I fell back asleep and woke up at 9:45, 5 minutes late for my next class. I got there by 9:50 and everything was fine.
Rawr. all of the things. Weekend is soon. adosufh'oauwhrgn;bdnsufh';loGQUWBEF.KGHA;LIUGB;kughlisufbgaklsjbgpaiusdbf;KJFDHiugblaibgliubfgkajsbdf;iusdgbfaksjdbfgilasygvaisdvbbj;bouasfbiuasdlbhjsad.
Bye.
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