It’s 5 am. I’m cuddling with yet another cat, Pistachio this time in Salem, Oregon. (Hi Zach, it’s getting harder to promise that I won’t steal him.)
Less than a month later, so much has changed. I have changed? I am happy to announce that despite all my worrying; I am officially a licensed Doctor of Physical Therapy! I have a job starting next week, which is nerve-wracking but exciting at the same time. I’m nervous about my capabilities and performance, but I have taken an oath to do my best upon graduation and I am committed to doing just that.
I took a moment to evaluate my life during the previous couple of weeks and decided that instead of moping about and waiting for all these things to happen, I was going to do something. In that, instead of being inside my thoughts, I really needed “TO DO”. So here’s my list from the last two weeks.
1. Dye hair - I have been wanting to dye my hair purple for years. Worried about school appearances, worried about job appearances, worried about parent’s opinions. But I received an “they have a policy but they don’t enforce it”, which is perfectly acceptable to me, so it’s done. Purple, blue, red streaks on the lower half of my hair. I am so excited every time I look down and see an explosion of color. It makes me happy.
2. Road trip- Ever since my pre-graduation road trip with my friend from PT school, I have been yearning to go again. I just wanted to get away. Away from the apartment, away from Ryan, away from thoughts, my worries, my anxieties. So here is my chance. Between all the checkups, background checks, medical clearances, I made time to fit in a 6 day road trip. Thank you to Zach for taking me in. Thank you for Henry for accompanying me and enhancing the experience.
3. Be spontaneous – This was true, to a certain degree. I was not about to overdraw accounts, hitch hike somewhere unknown, or quit my job and move to Seattle. Though some thoughts do sprout up from time to time. Having unplanned days with only the thought to get out of the house was freeing. I enjoyed a lot of naps in the park, watching people go about their lives in amazing ways. I started reading a book, finally, after years of peer reviewed articles. I connected with a person, with no plans/worries about what is to happen next, except to stay safe and stay friends. I made friends with two cats and had some small conversations with strangers. (Tiny steps.)
4. Reuniting with friends - I’m not finished with this task, but I hope to never. I am okay with this. Since my previous post, I really wanted to meet up with everyone and see how you’ve been. I was lucky enough to catch up with quite a few people since starting my “To do” list and I am so very grateful for it. I felt loved, encouraged, validated, empowered. I shared secrets, received some, discussed a lot about our lives. I’m not alone and I wish not to let anyone around me be either.
5. Be myself – Work in progress. I’ve recently questioned so much of myself. Am I really being and executing who I want to be? It felt like such a failure when it came to discussions with Ryan. But that is one person’s opinion. I have not been perfect, but I absolutely accept that and strive to be better at it. I have displayed my absolute honest opinion, and to be respected/respectfully challenged at it. I have been able to be my sarcastic self again and be understood for what it was, and nothing more. I showed concern, and was accepted instead of being told I was over reacting. I am wanted and useful, for some reason or another. Sometimes not quite how I intended. But it has been reassuring to know that I can just be myself.
6. Learn about myself - I was able to learn about other people’s lives and their perspectives and I wish to seek more to find where my opinions lie.
7. More to do: Move Out to a place so I can 1.Get a cat. 2. get a dog. Train a therapy dog. Learn ASL. Certified hippotherapy specialist. Learn Spanish. Resume violin. Continue Wushu/Taichi, Exercise. Photography, swing dance, pottery, gardening, weaving, cooking, gaming...ect.
I reread some of my old posts this morning and some of yours. I have changed a lot, but in some ways, I also surprised myself with how much I knew, but refused to change as well. I realized how much of me is influenced by you. For that, I thank you so much for shaping me, for teaching me, and sharing your lives with me.
So, this is nothing of poetry or literature, just a reminder to myself of one moment in time, of adventures, of thoughts, to get me back on my feet.
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Thursday, July 26, 2018
Jess (AJ): Loved by cats
Hi Everyone
In a fit of nostalgia, I managed to wander back to our blog. I was planning to just reminisce on our early days, but to my surprise, Zach, an update! In comparison to my 4 year hiatus, I still consider a post from 1 year ago, fairly recent. So, with some help with the password, and some complaints in my head about the old-fashioned format of blog posts, here I am, on Word, composing my own update as well.
First of all, I miss you all. I know you’re all very busy and amazing people now, but I do hope I will be able to meet up and pick up where we left off again soon. I’m so proud of what everyone has accomplished- finishing grad school, teaching students, traveling across the country, being independent.
I’m currently sitting on a couch, waiting for the results for my licensing exam. If I pass, I get to practice physical therapy and be in charge of somehow improving people’s functional lives. And if I fail, well, I’m trying very hard not to think of that right now. But I have a backup plan, because I can’t help making backup plans, probably some short summer job until I’m able to take it again in 3 months. I’m sitting on a couch with two cats, walking over me – Tobi and Sophie, meowing and trying to get my attention. I love them to bits. Too bad they aren’t mine anymore, they belong to Ryan. And Ryan- the ex-boyfriend, but not really, but maybe, is now, just not. Which is sad, because I was able to see a future together, in the past. Now, I’ll just really miss these cats.
I guess it brings me to the point, while “open relationship” is a triggering word for me, because I didn’t understand what that meant in the past. Now having lived through that, it just isn’t for me. Or maybe it was just executed horribly- open on one end, lacking in communication, whatnot. I am so glad that it’s going well for you, Zach. I hope it still is, given that it’s been a year out and stalking the you on Instagram looks beautiful and fun. When is the wedding? I feel like I’ve been waiting for the chance to visit again forever.
I learned a little bit about myself. Apparently I’m annoyingly persistent, quick-tempered, judgemental, and overly defensive. I’m not very goal orientated, not very social, and sleep too much. Or at least that’s what Ryan told me, that he felt. Which also sometimes makes me want to rise to the challenge and do all that to irritate him. I do feel a little lost at the moment. Am I really that annoying? I thought my best traits were loyalty and persistence, but it seems to have failed me in this aspect so far. Basically, my response has been to suppress everything on this front. It’s a puzzle I can’t understand, even though it’s probably something I should have suffered through back in college or something.
I’m job hunting at the moment, hoping to get into a hospital to work with neurologic patients, maybe even go into a residency in the near future. There’s also a niche I’ve discovered, working with pediatric patients in hippotherapy. Using horse riding as a tool for therapy. I would get to be outside, with horses and dogs and kids. What more would I want? I’m interested in learning American Sign Language now. The younger patients are sometimes more responsive to ASL, and I can use it like a secret language, potentially. Now, if I can just get over my post-grad school burnout and crack open the books Lance (formerly Leslie) has so graciously given me. I meet up with her/him/them, and Kaeli fairly often these days, if not just to go out to eat or play Pokemon Go. I went to back to wushu after a 5 year hiatus yesterday, prompted by all the friends- and former wushu athletes, whom I watch anime with every Tuesday evening. Everything hurts, but it’s a good kind of pain. I do feel quite at home here in the Bay Area, with old friends all around, even with Ryan around. But I wonder if I should get away sometimes. With a license, I could work in Hawaii, Alaska, New York, Washington, there’s so much potential.
I can’t believe we’re 26-27 now. “Adulting” still seems so hard. I’m indecisive about what to do, even for the near future. Tell me how you are handling the world, I’m all ears for advice.
Thinking of you all, while I cuddle with these cats.
P.S. I haven't heard the nickname AJ in such a long time.
In a fit of nostalgia, I managed to wander back to our blog. I was planning to just reminisce on our early days, but to my surprise, Zach, an update! In comparison to my 4 year hiatus, I still consider a post from 1 year ago, fairly recent. So, with some help with the password, and some complaints in my head about the old-fashioned format of blog posts, here I am, on Word, composing my own update as well.
First of all, I miss you all. I know you’re all very busy and amazing people now, but I do hope I will be able to meet up and pick up where we left off again soon. I’m so proud of what everyone has accomplished- finishing grad school, teaching students, traveling across the country, being independent.
I’m currently sitting on a couch, waiting for the results for my licensing exam. If I pass, I get to practice physical therapy and be in charge of somehow improving people’s functional lives. And if I fail, well, I’m trying very hard not to think of that right now. But I have a backup plan, because I can’t help making backup plans, probably some short summer job until I’m able to take it again in 3 months. I’m sitting on a couch with two cats, walking over me – Tobi and Sophie, meowing and trying to get my attention. I love them to bits. Too bad they aren’t mine anymore, they belong to Ryan. And Ryan- the ex-boyfriend, but not really, but maybe, is now, just not. Which is sad, because I was able to see a future together, in the past. Now, I’ll just really miss these cats.
I guess it brings me to the point, while “open relationship” is a triggering word for me, because I didn’t understand what that meant in the past. Now having lived through that, it just isn’t for me. Or maybe it was just executed horribly- open on one end, lacking in communication, whatnot. I am so glad that it’s going well for you, Zach. I hope it still is, given that it’s been a year out and stalking the you on Instagram looks beautiful and fun. When is the wedding? I feel like I’ve been waiting for the chance to visit again forever.
I learned a little bit about myself. Apparently I’m annoyingly persistent, quick-tempered, judgemental, and overly defensive. I’m not very goal orientated, not very social, and sleep too much. Or at least that’s what Ryan told me, that he felt. Which also sometimes makes me want to rise to the challenge and do all that to irritate him. I do feel a little lost at the moment. Am I really that annoying? I thought my best traits were loyalty and persistence, but it seems to have failed me in this aspect so far. Basically, my response has been to suppress everything on this front. It’s a puzzle I can’t understand, even though it’s probably something I should have suffered through back in college or something.
I’m job hunting at the moment, hoping to get into a hospital to work with neurologic patients, maybe even go into a residency in the near future. There’s also a niche I’ve discovered, working with pediatric patients in hippotherapy. Using horse riding as a tool for therapy. I would get to be outside, with horses and dogs and kids. What more would I want? I’m interested in learning American Sign Language now. The younger patients are sometimes more responsive to ASL, and I can use it like a secret language, potentially. Now, if I can just get over my post-grad school burnout and crack open the books Lance (formerly Leslie) has so graciously given me. I meet up with her/him/them, and Kaeli fairly often these days, if not just to go out to eat or play Pokemon Go. I went to back to wushu after a 5 year hiatus yesterday, prompted by all the friends- and former wushu athletes, whom I watch anime with every Tuesday evening. Everything hurts, but it’s a good kind of pain. I do feel quite at home here in the Bay Area, with old friends all around, even with Ryan around. But I wonder if I should get away sometimes. With a license, I could work in Hawaii, Alaska, New York, Washington, there’s so much potential.
I can’t believe we’re 26-27 now. “Adulting” still seems so hard. I’m indecisive about what to do, even for the near future. Tell me how you are handling the world, I’m all ears for advice.
Thinking of you all, while I cuddle with these cats.
P.S. I haven't heard the nickname AJ in such a long time.
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