Heaven: Can someone please show some humanity!

I know that I'm always talking bullshit, that I like to have more fun than I care about "the future." It's kinda true, I love to have fun, I love to do my own thing. I care more about feeling fulfilled based on what I want to do rather than what is expected of me. My definition of success is different than most of yours, I think.

But who am I to say, we're all on different paths.

But you know what, I actually do care about school. Up to this point, I have not had a good, solid college experience. In comparison to CSU Stanislaus, UC Riverside is the best thing that ever happened to me educationally (although I feel like Mr. Huth and Mr. Tribble come to mind even more than UCR). If I could keep going to UC Riverside and have everything that I have at home-- a happy home, a silly dog, great friends, good music, and enjoyable weather-- well, I wouldn't waste a heartbeat trying to transfer back in. It's not like that though, I know.

CSU Stanislaus is by far the worst school I can imagine. I have been shown kindness and compassion by very few people in this school. The majority of the time, staff members are rude, rude, RUDE! UGH! I can't get over how many times I have been brushed off, have been talked AT rather than TO, and have had all of my questions COMPLETELY ignored. Not to mention, I have been called HEATHER by almost every single one of these people, even though my name is featured within the emails at least three times. This did not happen ONCE at UC Riverside. At UCR, every single staff member-- professor, janitor, counselor, technician, gardener-- every single staff member showed kindness and compassion to their students, and the students at UC Riverside were all able to come together and be part of something at the same time as being individuals doing our own thing. I guess what I am trying to say is that the students and staff at UCR work together as a community rather than an a competetive business establishment. People care there, I take pride in being a community-oriented person.

At this school, I have not seen any community. The academic advisor assigned to me has refused me help, and after asking her three questions in three different emails, she has not answered ANY of my questions and refuses to, saying, "I can only advise within the major, I can only advise within the major." Okay, yeah, well I am a fucking English major! YOU CAN FUCKING ADVISE ME BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING ENGLISH MAJOR!!! Fuck! This lady even called me Heather successively-- isn't she an English professor? Isn't she supposed to be able to READ AND COMPREHEND?!

I have been trying to see someone about changing my major from English to a science, but I still would like to discuss English since I am three years into my education. I have a lot of things I want to discuss SOON so I don't keep wasting my time and money immersed in a field I no longer am passionate about. Don't get me wrong-- I love English, I really do, but my path is winding away from it now and I know it. I am going back to my roots. I want to study plants and animals, not words in books. Everything in highschool that I wanted to be-- a biologist, an engineer, an architect-- they were all things based on science and math, two subjects that I was not so good at. But still, I wanted to be those things more than I ever wanted to be an English teacher. I've been convincing myself into something that was a "safe zone", something that I have always been good at. But it's not my passion anymore. Maybe if I were still a Creative Writing student, things would be different. English is not for me.

And I can't find one person who is willing to go that extra mile to help me figure it out. Where is the humanity in this school? What is America breeding? Why is there so much competition and contempt between people? Why can't everybody just be good to eachother?

AJ: Two roads diverge into.... too many~

I've confirmed what I've been throwing around for the past year or so. I've mentioned it on and off in conversations. I apologize now, because I feel like I've just been talking about it in circles, but never coming up with a decision. I still don't have a decision. But maybe if I just talk more, eventually, my brain will settle on my solution.
My predicament is that I have asked my counselor. With 8 more units and the hope that I pass all my classes this semester. I can officially graduate with the class of 2012 Spring Semester. I CAN. But should I? There are so many options, pros and cons, that I can''t decide yet. I know that I have to make the ultimate decision. But, it doesn't hurt to get a clearer view and opinion to steer me in a better direction. So, I turn to you.
Graduating early Pros:
I can graduate EARLY! It's pretty exciting and cool, no more midterms!
I can save on tuition~ stupid changes have lost me Calgrant, Pell Grant and loans. This semester has been hard on me and my parents already.
I can always stay in Berkeley and audit classes for fun and for free. Why must I always have to pay for an education? I'm paying just for the class to be in a transcript.
I have more time and less stress to plan for my future.

Cons: I don't know what to do after I graduate~ what do I do?
(MCATS, GRAD SCHOOL?, JOB? Too little time to decide)
I want to stay in Berkeley which means to find a job after graduation, how hard is that?
I could get more time by staying in school and raise my GPA and a better chance for Grad school or med school.
I'll probably have to start paying off those loans from tuition after graduation.

And then, ultimately the decision has to be ~ what do I want to do after graduation? I have so much info gathering to do, and grades to keep up.
1. Am I good enough for grad school now, or do I have to keep working?
2. What kind of grad programs are there that I might find fulfilling?
3. I think I know what I might want to do, what is the route of actually getting there?
4. Can I find a job to sustain me on the way to fulfilling that route?
So many things on my mind. I should actually be focusing on the immediate, that is, my upcoming midterm on Physics.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that the safety of going through the motions of grade school, high school, college, the preset course work, they're all disappearing and leaving me with something very unknown. Am I strong enough to deviate from the safety of it all yet?