Heaven: Mutlu olacaksın.

I keep fragments. Fragments of poems that I have written through the years in a folder on my desktop called, "HE GIVES ME DRUGS." Occasionally, I read through these sentences in hopes that one will inspire me to write a decent poem, which I haven't done in quite some time. They inspire me, but I never write. Tonight, I was reading through some of the lines and one inspired me to write this blog, so here goes.

I have nightmares. I have always had nightmares, since I was a small child. The first dream that I can remember was a dream that I had in second grade, and it was a nightmare that my family left me in the future, left me to be murdered by a masked stranger. For a time, I had no dreams-- only nightmares. For months and months they continued. Waking up in fits. Talking in my sleep. Lying awake for hours in the middle of the night, afraid to get up because I do not know who or what is in my room with me. Hovering above me. Outside my window. No angels. Just the whites of his eyes.

I have had nightmares for the past four days in a row, but three nights ago, I had a nightmare that I will never forget. Before I describe the nightmare, here is the piece of poem that inspired me to tell you this nonsense anyway. It reads:

"if i could fix the things i've done
you know i would, boy, cause you're the one
that i want to hold when we grow old."

Amateur. This line is amateur. I am no great poet, no Poet Laureate of the United States. I am not a poet. I am just a girl that puts my thoughts and observations on paper in twistedupmixedup ways.

Ian never liked my poetry. He didn't understand it, and when he did, he would grow angry about the content. When he could read through the metaphors, when he could see Cullen and Ryan and Jack inside my heart, he did not like it. He did not like me. And now I am without, as I have been. But in my dreams, I relive breakup after breakup, always different, but always the same.

Three nights ago, I had another breakup nightmare. Though the nightmare had several different scenes, to save on space and time, I will only tell you that, indoors or out, we were fighting. Fighting fighting fighting as we always did. Running from one another, physically emotionally mentally. Finally, we end up at Crowell School, and I am chasing after Ian, from the playground down the hallways. Running next to me are all his ex-girlfriends and his new girlfriend, and they are all insulting me. Telling me I do not deserve him, telling me I am nothing. His new girlfriend tells me that I am worthless and she will get him from me. She will take him. He will leave me, and he will be hers. We all get to Ian at the same time and his new girlfriend continues to massacre me with her words. I am crying and pleading silently with Ian, but he nods the affirmative. It is true, he is leaving. But then she (the new girlfriend) says something about time, meant to be an insult toward me, but Ian and I both look at eachother and say, "More like ten." And then we both smile and laugh.

And then I woke up. If only I could remember what she had said to make us react like that. It is the only break-up dream I have had that has ended... well, happily. And now I have noticed that I called it a dream. Was it a nightmare, or was it a dream, or can nightmares suddenly change into dreams by the way they end? At first, I felt horrible. I have endured break-up after break-up after break-up... but then I thought about it for a moment. I woke up. We were smiling and laughing. We were separating, but somehow, we both knew that it was for the best, that we would both be okay without one another. And then I was alone.

And I am still alone, in that sense. But am I lonely?

For a long time, I have contemplated whether it is possible to be happy alone. Many I have asked tell me that it is not... we all need some form of human contact to be truly happy. I agree, sometimes, that I need the sound smell sight touch of people, of Family, of friends. But I am also happy with my memories. The bad tends to overpower the good, but in this case, the light has prevailed. To seek out the good in my memories. To forgive the wrongs of the past. To not dwell in the shallows, but to dive deep, to see the bright morning sunshine penetrate the darkest trenches. To be optimistic. I want to be this. I want to be.

I am alone, but I am not lonely.

--Thou wilt be happy.