It’s 5 am. I’m cuddling with yet another cat, Pistachio this time in Salem, Oregon. (Hi Zach, it’s getting harder to promise that I won’t steal him.)
Less than a month later, so much has changed. I have changed? I am happy to announce that despite all my worrying; I am officially a licensed Doctor of Physical Therapy! I have a job starting next week, which is nerve-wracking but exciting at the same time. I’m nervous about my capabilities and performance, but I have taken an oath to do my best upon graduation and I am committed to doing just that.
I took a moment to evaluate my life during the previous couple of weeks and decided that instead of moping about and waiting for all these things to happen, I was going to do something. In that, instead of being inside my thoughts, I really needed “TO DO”. So here’s my list from the last two weeks.
1. Dye hair - I have been wanting to dye my hair purple for years. Worried about school appearances, worried about job appearances, worried about parent’s opinions. But I received an “they have a policy but they don’t enforce it”, which is perfectly acceptable to me, so it’s done. Purple, blue, red streaks on the lower half of my hair. I am so excited every time I look down and see an explosion of color. It makes me happy.
2. Road trip- Ever since my pre-graduation road trip with my friend from PT school, I have been yearning to go again. I just wanted to get away. Away from the apartment, away from Ryan, away from thoughts, my worries, my anxieties. So here is my chance. Between all the checkups, background checks, medical clearances, I made time to fit in a 6 day road trip. Thank you to Zach for taking me in. Thank you for Henry for accompanying me and enhancing the experience.
3. Be spontaneous – This was true, to a certain degree. I was not about to overdraw accounts, hitch hike somewhere unknown, or quit my job and move to Seattle. Though some thoughts do sprout up from time to time. Having unplanned days with only the thought to get out of the house was freeing. I enjoyed a lot of naps in the park, watching people go about their lives in amazing ways. I started reading a book, finally, after years of peer reviewed articles. I connected with a person, with no plans/worries about what is to happen next, except to stay safe and stay friends. I made friends with two cats and had some small conversations with strangers. (Tiny steps.)
4. Reuniting with friends - I’m not finished with this task, but I hope to never. I am okay with this. Since my previous post, I really wanted to meet up with everyone and see how you’ve been. I was lucky enough to catch up with quite a few people since starting my “To do” list and I am so very grateful for it. I felt loved, encouraged, validated, empowered. I shared secrets, received some, discussed a lot about our lives. I’m not alone and I wish not to let anyone around me be either.
5. Be myself – Work in progress. I’ve recently questioned so much of myself. Am I really being and executing who I want to be? It felt like such a failure when it came to discussions with Ryan. But that is one person’s opinion. I have not been perfect, but I absolutely accept that and strive to be better at it. I have displayed my absolute honest opinion, and to be respected/respectfully challenged at it. I have been able to be my sarcastic self again and be understood for what it was, and nothing more. I showed concern, and was accepted instead of being told I was over reacting. I am wanted and useful, for some reason or another. Sometimes not quite how I intended. But it has been reassuring to know that I can just be myself.
6. Learn about myself - I was able to learn about other people’s lives and their perspectives and I wish to seek more to find where my opinions lie.
7. More to do: Move Out to a place so I can 1.Get a cat. 2. get a dog. Train a therapy dog. Learn ASL. Certified hippotherapy specialist. Learn Spanish. Resume violin. Continue Wushu/Taichi, Exercise. Photography, swing dance, pottery, gardening, weaving, cooking, gaming...ect.
I reread some of my old posts this morning and some of yours. I have changed a lot, but in some ways, I also surprised myself with how much I knew, but refused to change as well. I realized how much of me is influenced by you. For that, I thank you so much for shaping me, for teaching me, and sharing your lives with me.
So, this is nothing of poetry or literature, just a reminder to myself of one moment in time, of adventures, of thoughts, to get me back on my feet.
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Thursday, July 26, 2018
Jess (AJ): Loved by cats
Hi Everyone
In a fit of nostalgia, I managed to wander back to our blog. I was planning to just reminisce on our early days, but to my surprise, Zach, an update! In comparison to my 4 year hiatus, I still consider a post from 1 year ago, fairly recent. So, with some help with the password, and some complaints in my head about the old-fashioned format of blog posts, here I am, on Word, composing my own update as well.
First of all, I miss you all. I know you’re all very busy and amazing people now, but I do hope I will be able to meet up and pick up where we left off again soon. I’m so proud of what everyone has accomplished- finishing grad school, teaching students, traveling across the country, being independent.
I’m currently sitting on a couch, waiting for the results for my licensing exam. If I pass, I get to practice physical therapy and be in charge of somehow improving people’s functional lives. And if I fail, well, I’m trying very hard not to think of that right now. But I have a backup plan, because I can’t help making backup plans, probably some short summer job until I’m able to take it again in 3 months. I’m sitting on a couch with two cats, walking over me – Tobi and Sophie, meowing and trying to get my attention. I love them to bits. Too bad they aren’t mine anymore, they belong to Ryan. And Ryan- the ex-boyfriend, but not really, but maybe, is now, just not. Which is sad, because I was able to see a future together, in the past. Now, I’ll just really miss these cats.
I guess it brings me to the point, while “open relationship” is a triggering word for me, because I didn’t understand what that meant in the past. Now having lived through that, it just isn’t for me. Or maybe it was just executed horribly- open on one end, lacking in communication, whatnot. I am so glad that it’s going well for you, Zach. I hope it still is, given that it’s been a year out and stalking the you on Instagram looks beautiful and fun. When is the wedding? I feel like I’ve been waiting for the chance to visit again forever.
I learned a little bit about myself. Apparently I’m annoyingly persistent, quick-tempered, judgemental, and overly defensive. I’m not very goal orientated, not very social, and sleep too much. Or at least that’s what Ryan told me, that he felt. Which also sometimes makes me want to rise to the challenge and do all that to irritate him. I do feel a little lost at the moment. Am I really that annoying? I thought my best traits were loyalty and persistence, but it seems to have failed me in this aspect so far. Basically, my response has been to suppress everything on this front. It’s a puzzle I can’t understand, even though it’s probably something I should have suffered through back in college or something.
I’m job hunting at the moment, hoping to get into a hospital to work with neurologic patients, maybe even go into a residency in the near future. There’s also a niche I’ve discovered, working with pediatric patients in hippotherapy. Using horse riding as a tool for therapy. I would get to be outside, with horses and dogs and kids. What more would I want? I’m interested in learning American Sign Language now. The younger patients are sometimes more responsive to ASL, and I can use it like a secret language, potentially. Now, if I can just get over my post-grad school burnout and crack open the books Lance (formerly Leslie) has so graciously given me. I meet up with her/him/them, and Kaeli fairly often these days, if not just to go out to eat or play Pokemon Go. I went to back to wushu after a 5 year hiatus yesterday, prompted by all the friends- and former wushu athletes, whom I watch anime with every Tuesday evening. Everything hurts, but it’s a good kind of pain. I do feel quite at home here in the Bay Area, with old friends all around, even with Ryan around. But I wonder if I should get away sometimes. With a license, I could work in Hawaii, Alaska, New York, Washington, there’s so much potential.
I can’t believe we’re 26-27 now. “Adulting” still seems so hard. I’m indecisive about what to do, even for the near future. Tell me how you are handling the world, I’m all ears for advice.
Thinking of you all, while I cuddle with these cats.
P.S. I haven't heard the nickname AJ in such a long time.
In a fit of nostalgia, I managed to wander back to our blog. I was planning to just reminisce on our early days, but to my surprise, Zach, an update! In comparison to my 4 year hiatus, I still consider a post from 1 year ago, fairly recent. So, with some help with the password, and some complaints in my head about the old-fashioned format of blog posts, here I am, on Word, composing my own update as well.
First of all, I miss you all. I know you’re all very busy and amazing people now, but I do hope I will be able to meet up and pick up where we left off again soon. I’m so proud of what everyone has accomplished- finishing grad school, teaching students, traveling across the country, being independent.
I’m currently sitting on a couch, waiting for the results for my licensing exam. If I pass, I get to practice physical therapy and be in charge of somehow improving people’s functional lives. And if I fail, well, I’m trying very hard not to think of that right now. But I have a backup plan, because I can’t help making backup plans, probably some short summer job until I’m able to take it again in 3 months. I’m sitting on a couch with two cats, walking over me – Tobi and Sophie, meowing and trying to get my attention. I love them to bits. Too bad they aren’t mine anymore, they belong to Ryan. And Ryan- the ex-boyfriend, but not really, but maybe, is now, just not. Which is sad, because I was able to see a future together, in the past. Now, I’ll just really miss these cats.
I guess it brings me to the point, while “open relationship” is a triggering word for me, because I didn’t understand what that meant in the past. Now having lived through that, it just isn’t for me. Or maybe it was just executed horribly- open on one end, lacking in communication, whatnot. I am so glad that it’s going well for you, Zach. I hope it still is, given that it’s been a year out and stalking the you on Instagram looks beautiful and fun. When is the wedding? I feel like I’ve been waiting for the chance to visit again forever.
I learned a little bit about myself. Apparently I’m annoyingly persistent, quick-tempered, judgemental, and overly defensive. I’m not very goal orientated, not very social, and sleep too much. Or at least that’s what Ryan told me, that he felt. Which also sometimes makes me want to rise to the challenge and do all that to irritate him. I do feel a little lost at the moment. Am I really that annoying? I thought my best traits were loyalty and persistence, but it seems to have failed me in this aspect so far. Basically, my response has been to suppress everything on this front. It’s a puzzle I can’t understand, even though it’s probably something I should have suffered through back in college or something.
I’m job hunting at the moment, hoping to get into a hospital to work with neurologic patients, maybe even go into a residency in the near future. There’s also a niche I’ve discovered, working with pediatric patients in hippotherapy. Using horse riding as a tool for therapy. I would get to be outside, with horses and dogs and kids. What more would I want? I’m interested in learning American Sign Language now. The younger patients are sometimes more responsive to ASL, and I can use it like a secret language, potentially. Now, if I can just get over my post-grad school burnout and crack open the books Lance (formerly Leslie) has so graciously given me. I meet up with her/him/them, and Kaeli fairly often these days, if not just to go out to eat or play Pokemon Go. I went to back to wushu after a 5 year hiatus yesterday, prompted by all the friends- and former wushu athletes, whom I watch anime with every Tuesday evening. Everything hurts, but it’s a good kind of pain. I do feel quite at home here in the Bay Area, with old friends all around, even with Ryan around. But I wonder if I should get away sometimes. With a license, I could work in Hawaii, Alaska, New York, Washington, there’s so much potential.
I can’t believe we’re 26-27 now. “Adulting” still seems so hard. I’m indecisive about what to do, even for the near future. Tell me how you are handling the world, I’m all ears for advice.
Thinking of you all, while I cuddle with these cats.
P.S. I haven't heard the nickname AJ in such a long time.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Zach: Life is Different Here
Hi All,
No one has posted in over three years, but I was just thinking of how different life in now, and how far we have each come/gone. I thought I would post an update about my life, as we don't catch up often.
I'm working at Willamette, have been for almost 2 years. It is a fine job. I'm not expected to do anything once I leave work and it pays the bills, plus my coworkers are nice, and it is fun to be sarcastic with students. It is a little weird to be on campus as an alumnus, but usually only when I see faculty who I had as a student (especially because I barely graduated).
Stephen and I are celebrating our 4 year anniversary today. His little brother was living with us for a while, but he is moving out this week, so we will have our house to ourselves again. We're currently renting but hope to be buying at the beginning of next year (then I am getting a dog, or three). I feel like we are becoming "real adults"; we bought some patio furniture this last weekend. Still don't know when we will actually get married, but I think it will be in the next year or so (probably 2018, after we get a house).
Something that I think no one would have ever expected or thought from me, but Stephen and I have talked about and thought a lot about it and decided to open our relationship, so we are technically in an open relationship. I won't post details about it here, but it is going really well I think. I don't think we will have an open relationship forever, and I don't think we will become a "thruple" with anyone (although maybe, who knows), but it is working well. We can go into detail if you want next time we see each other, but I thought I would tell you guys (I've actually only told one other person so far, so you guys are kind of the first to know).
I feel like life has fallen more or less into a routine now. Work Monday through Friday. On Tuesdays my friend Mike comes over to play video games. On Sundays I play Dungeons and Dragons. Saturdays I got to the farmer's market. I waste the other days mostly watching tv. I've consumed soooo much media in my life. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm trying to get more into some somewhat active hobbies. I'm getting into woodworking, and have some tools to build things. I haven't done anything all that nice yet, but I am getting ready to do a set of shelves for my office, and I think it will turn out good. I'm also getting into gardening. I want to become an Oregon Master Gardener, but the classes you have to take to be a certified master gardener are every Monday January-March during work, so I understand why only old people are Master Gardeners now; basically only retired people can do it.
I performed with the fire dancing club at Wulapalooza for the 8th year in a row. I think I am going to do 10 years, before I'm too "old" to do it anymore, and then I'll stop going. But I'm also performing for a tourism thing that the state is doing, so that's kind of cool.
I tried joining a queer fantasy book club because I want to consume more queer media, but it never really took off, so I read the first book, then we never talked about it. Now I am neither reading any books, not really consuming any other queer media (although I did recently start watching Broad City which has been fun, if a little over the top.)
I'm kind of just blathering now...
I miss you all terribly, and would love to hear about how things are different for you now. I know the Jessicas are in school, Anna is moving to the east coast?, Yvette in Married, Heaven is teaching. But what's life like now? Where are you? I miss you all.
TTFN
No one has posted in over three years, but I was just thinking of how different life in now, and how far we have each come/gone. I thought I would post an update about my life, as we don't catch up often.
I'm working at Willamette, have been for almost 2 years. It is a fine job. I'm not expected to do anything once I leave work and it pays the bills, plus my coworkers are nice, and it is fun to be sarcastic with students. It is a little weird to be on campus as an alumnus, but usually only when I see faculty who I had as a student (especially because I barely graduated).
Stephen and I are celebrating our 4 year anniversary today. His little brother was living with us for a while, but he is moving out this week, so we will have our house to ourselves again. We're currently renting but hope to be buying at the beginning of next year (then I am getting a dog, or three). I feel like we are becoming "real adults"; we bought some patio furniture this last weekend. Still don't know when we will actually get married, but I think it will be in the next year or so (probably 2018, after we get a house).
Something that I think no one would have ever expected or thought from me, but Stephen and I have talked about and thought a lot about it and decided to open our relationship, so we are technically in an open relationship. I won't post details about it here, but it is going really well I think. I don't think we will have an open relationship forever, and I don't think we will become a "thruple" with anyone (although maybe, who knows), but it is working well. We can go into detail if you want next time we see each other, but I thought I would tell you guys (I've actually only told one other person so far, so you guys are kind of the first to know).
I feel like life has fallen more or less into a routine now. Work Monday through Friday. On Tuesdays my friend Mike comes over to play video games. On Sundays I play Dungeons and Dragons. Saturdays I got to the farmer's market. I waste the other days mostly watching tv. I've consumed soooo much media in my life. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm trying to get more into some somewhat active hobbies. I'm getting into woodworking, and have some tools to build things. I haven't done anything all that nice yet, but I am getting ready to do a set of shelves for my office, and I think it will turn out good. I'm also getting into gardening. I want to become an Oregon Master Gardener, but the classes you have to take to be a certified master gardener are every Monday January-March during work, so I understand why only old people are Master Gardeners now; basically only retired people can do it.
I performed with the fire dancing club at Wulapalooza for the 8th year in a row. I think I am going to do 10 years, before I'm too "old" to do it anymore, and then I'll stop going. But I'm also performing for a tourism thing that the state is doing, so that's kind of cool.
I tried joining a queer fantasy book club because I want to consume more queer media, but it never really took off, so I read the first book, then we never talked about it. Now I am neither reading any books, not really consuming any other queer media (although I did recently start watching Broad City which has been fun, if a little over the top.)
I'm kind of just blathering now...
I miss you all terribly, and would love to hear about how things are different for you now. I know the Jessicas are in school, Anna is moving to the east coast?, Yvette in Married, Heaven is teaching. But what's life like now? Where are you? I miss you all.
TTFN
Monday, February 17, 2014
AJ: Insignificants
I see it's been a bit lonely over in this corner of the world. Busy lives, errands, and career goals can do that to you. I thought I would just take some time to ramble, especially since I can't seem to garble up any energy to accomplish anything until I managed to get it all out somewhere.
I started the day at seven, busied myself for ten hours, tried to fill myself up with all the sugar, videos and indulgences, but it seems my heart won't still until I put it in an outlet. So, here it is.
The background story is that Ryan and I broke up approximately six months ago. Nonetheless, even if we weren't always a traditional couple, we aren't magnificent at breaking up either. Perhaps it's my interdependent nature, perhaps it's because now I'm far away from my close family, most friends, and of course, you, I ended up spending all my extra time with Ryan despite the breakup. In truth and retrospect, I had hopes we'd somehow repair whatever gap we had found ourselves in. Delusional, hopeful thoughts, and silly, but I couldn't help it.I'm a romantic at the core. Now we're back at the beginning, maybe the beginning of the end?
I still feel as if I can tell him what I would to my closest of friends and vice-versa. He still feels the need to treat me and be close by. Just like the beginning- mixed messages, confiding, yet no real significance.
We've talked it out though, he's been moving on. I can't move quite as fast, but I can at least give up useless daydreams. I wanted to drop these thoughts off. Off into a safe, insignificant little medium and free myself to pick up significant things. Maybe Ryan was right, I did seem overly content with life, boring, and dependent. I'm scared of change, but it's not true I have no dreams. I've been dallying, I've been putting my dreams into the wrong place, I've procrastinated and I've been lazy. I hope to put these thoughts here to rest and pick up the dreams that matter.
I started the day at seven, busied myself for ten hours, tried to fill myself up with all the sugar, videos and indulgences, but it seems my heart won't still until I put it in an outlet. So, here it is.
The background story is that Ryan and I broke up approximately six months ago. Nonetheless, even if we weren't always a traditional couple, we aren't magnificent at breaking up either. Perhaps it's my interdependent nature, perhaps it's because now I'm far away from my close family, most friends, and of course, you, I ended up spending all my extra time with Ryan despite the breakup. In truth and retrospect, I had hopes we'd somehow repair whatever gap we had found ourselves in. Delusional, hopeful thoughts, and silly, but I couldn't help it.I'm a romantic at the core. Now we're back at the beginning, maybe the beginning of the end?
I still feel as if I can tell him what I would to my closest of friends and vice-versa. He still feels the need to treat me and be close by. Just like the beginning- mixed messages, confiding, yet no real significance.
We've talked it out though, he's been moving on. I can't move quite as fast, but I can at least give up useless daydreams. I wanted to drop these thoughts off. Off into a safe, insignificant little medium and free myself to pick up significant things. Maybe Ryan was right, I did seem overly content with life, boring, and dependent. I'm scared of change, but it's not true I have no dreams. I've been dallying, I've been putting my dreams into the wrong place, I've procrastinated and I've been lazy. I hope to put these thoughts here to rest and pick up the dreams that matter.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Anna: Thanks
I was suicidal once upon a time, in junior high and my first year of high school, before I met most of you. I've never felt quite that way again, and I really think its because of you. Even if we don't see each other much anymore or even speak much, we always seem to pick up where we left off. You are literally the best friends I have ever had, and I don't know what I'd do without you.
I know we might (probably will) go separate ways in life. Our horizons will expand as we learn and grow and include more and more people in our personal bubbles, and that's okay. I'm lucky to have had you guys, and to still have you in whatever capacity I do. Sometimes I honestly don't know why people keep me around, but I think I'm starting to care less and less. I know its possible to choose a family instead of simply being born into a broken one. And the fact that I've had that experience, that I've had all of you, for however long or short a time, keeps me alive.
I'm trying to be happy. Its easy some days and unbelievably difficult some others. But I'm trying.
I know we might (probably will) go separate ways in life. Our horizons will expand as we learn and grow and include more and more people in our personal bubbles, and that's okay. I'm lucky to have had you guys, and to still have you in whatever capacity I do. Sometimes I honestly don't know why people keep me around, but I think I'm starting to care less and less. I know its possible to choose a family instead of simply being born into a broken one. And the fact that I've had that experience, that I've had all of you, for however long or short a time, keeps me alive.
I'm trying to be happy. Its easy some days and unbelievably difficult some others. But I'm trying.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Anna: Short and sweet
I need to get out of Portland.
Really though. I need to leave and live in a different area for a while, because I am 98% certain that this place is driving me crazy. I've hardly recognized myself the past few months, and I hate that. I absolutely hate it.
Really though. I need to leave and live in a different area for a while, because I am 98% certain that this place is driving me crazy. I've hardly recognized myself the past few months, and I hate that. I absolutely hate it.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
AJ- A Practice Round
I'm wracked with guilt.
Actually, I'm being melodramatic. The situation is not terribly dire. I just feel extremely disgusted with myself for being so terribly lazy in the last few weeks after graduating. I have a lengthy list of chores I must accomplish. Graduate school applications, job hunting, internship hunting, essays, testing. Life after graduation does not look as glorious as it once seemed.
This is a practice round. I can't remember the last time I wrote a piece which I have felt is more than adequate for anything. No longer have I felt the immense satisfaction and pride after finishing a paper required for class. I no longer remember more than a mere inkling of the work that Mrs. Asgill and Mr. Huth have so painstakingly drilled into our mind. What is left now is a faint memory of the satisfaction and a mourning of that feeling. I want it back. At least, I want to write something that I would be able to reread and not feel I had merely thrown some words together, not like what I'm doing at the moment. I want it to give the reader that, at least a some point, there had been a little blood and sweat infused with the work. That it's worth reading, that I'm worth considering. So, this is my practice round. My warm up, my motivation to begin again.
Actually, I'm being melodramatic. The situation is not terribly dire. I just feel extremely disgusted with myself for being so terribly lazy in the last few weeks after graduating. I have a lengthy list of chores I must accomplish. Graduate school applications, job hunting, internship hunting, essays, testing. Life after graduation does not look as glorious as it once seemed.
This is a practice round. I can't remember the last time I wrote a piece which I have felt is more than adequate for anything. No longer have I felt the immense satisfaction and pride after finishing a paper required for class. I no longer remember more than a mere inkling of the work that Mrs. Asgill and Mr. Huth have so painstakingly drilled into our mind. What is left now is a faint memory of the satisfaction and a mourning of that feeling. I want it back. At least, I want to write something that I would be able to reread and not feel I had merely thrown some words together, not like what I'm doing at the moment. I want it to give the reader that, at least a some point, there had been a little blood and sweat infused with the work. That it's worth reading, that I'm worth considering. So, this is my practice round. My warm up, my motivation to begin again.
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