Heaven: FUCK YEAH I'M FINALLY IN!!!

Hey guys, I made it! My computer has been redirecting me to my school email everytime I try to log in, so this is a momentous occasion for me! I finally get to post!

Anyway, all I really wanted to post was a poem I wrote-- it's the first poem I've written in over a year, believe it or not! This depression has had me in a funk, but the poem will say everything I've been needing to say for a long time.

You guys are awesome, and thinking about you gave me the hope to persevere.

The Long Winter
January 2011- October 2012

I look back
On those metaphors
And similes
I had when
I was a kid—
Sinking ships
Train wrecks
Old India Ink
Pumping through
My bloodstream.

Peter,
when did I
grow old?

When did I
lay down
my pen?

How long have I
Been grieving,
Wandering
This labyrinth?

Divorce
Abuse
Depression
Death
Drug addiction
Blame blame blame
Fire
Fight
Fright

Dad, I know—
I understand now
But then
I was just so afraid
You would die;
That I’d come in
To shake you awake
And find you stiff
Instead of pale
And shivering.

And then there were
The fights;
The slamming doors.
“Why don’t you just go
Take some fucking pills!”
I scream
After Dad tells me
I am
Heartless
Cold
And mean.

I feel blank.
I am alone.
I am stupid
Fat
Ugly

The Great Paradox:
Am I living
Or dying
In this mortal body?
I convinced myself
Death
Was the next
Big adventure,
Until my heart
Went supernova.

It stopped beating;
I stopped breathing.
Sipping into silence…

All is calm

Before the storm.

The firetrucks.
The ambulance.
The smoke.

Anxiety attacks.
Sitting in the
Hospital parking lot
Until I stop
Shaking.
Sleep, sleep.

I watch Grandpa
Grow grayer and grayer,
Thinner and thinner.
I plea him to go
To the doctor.
He is too worried
About Dad.
About me, too.

Every day
I cry
Until my boyfriend
Pulls the pillows
Over his head,
To drown
The sound of
Me
Drowning.

I try to save Christmas
Now that Dad, Grandpa,
And the dog
Live in a hotel room.
I dress up as
The Christmas Faerie.
Me and Dad fight—
“Shut up,” he rumbles,
When I tell him
He is not welcome
To do drugs
In my home.

Even so,
He’s giving us all
The best gift—
He agreed to go
To Rehab.

Finally

Relief

Life
Can
Slow
Down

But
Then

The Big “C” strikes—
Who knew that
Time
Could stop
After the blur
Of years
Blind.

Now

We drive Grandpa
To chemotherapy,
Feed him everything
The doctor recommends.
I get him a lap dog
Since he can’t
Get out too much
Anymore.
She’s in love with him.

For once, the whole family
Is together—aunts, uncles,
Cousins, brothers, sisters,
Nieces, nephews—
We throw a birthday party;
We host a dinner;
Play cards;
Watch TV;
Sit and Talk, mostly—
Remember
Laugh
Cry.

We get a record player
And listen to
Glenn Miller, Loretta Lynn,
And old Broadway vinyl.

I write a song.
I read a book.
I sew a quilt.
I knit a toy.
I walk my dog.
I drink whiskey.
I make friends.
I dance.

We light a bonfire
At the cabin
And I throw my shoes in
And laugh.

I smoke more pot than ever.

And I’m in love,
With Sonny Malcom,
And the trees,
And life.

Dad’s getting married.
Grandpa’s staying strong.

And I’m finally writing again.

Anna: Postscript...

In other news, I am basically questioning my whole life and the direction I'm going and what the fuck I want to do until I die. So I decided if by the the time I graduate I don't have a plan/something lined up, I will take whatever money I have saved and fucking run away somewhere where I don't know anyone and no one knows me and I will start over.

Anna: Too tired to think of a title

So I am taking Jewish/Israeli Literature as my last Cluster course (University Studies...don't ask), and my professor reminds me an AWFUL lot of Mr. Huth.

Seriously. He waxed poetic for a while about the scope of the class, giving us some key terms and literary references (similar to how Huth did) and he asked a student to act out a scene with him to drive home his point about the literary use of the shtetl as an allegory (again, don't ask). The whole time I was thinking...wow. This takes me back.

I don't think he'll be quite as awesome as Huth, but you never know. I just wanted to share this very important fact with you all.

In other news, I am tired as hell for some reason. Its only 7:30 and I'm ready for bed. Unbelievable. There's also this gnawing anxious feeling in my chest that I'm forgetting something really damn important but for the life of me I cannot figure out what it is.

Love.

AJ- Everything is Well and Content

Looks like we've made it through all of July without a single post. I thought I would insert my input on this summer before the fall semester begins. I have nothing to complain; life seems to be going well.
First, I have just survived two summer classes, anatomy and economy. I think I've survived the class, however I prefer not to think about grades at the moment. I have gotten addicted to League of Legends this summer, courtesy of Ryan. Meanwhile, Ryan has gone to China and come back over the course of two months. He has been visiting me every weekend so far, which I am very happy about and grateful for. I am unsure of how long he can actually keep up this commute and what will happen when we enter into a semi- long distance relationship. For that part, I shall have to wait and see. I try not to plan too much about that.
I'm attempting to get back into wushu. I have been a bit klutzy so far, but it's working out well. I have new roommates this year, and a new apartment, at a new location. At first I was quite scared at what would happen to my relationship with Sue and Jennifer, and that my relationship with them would dwindle and die. It hasn't happened yet, and if I can help it, I won't let it happen. There will be changes, but I'm no longer scared that we will not be friends. I hope we will be able to stay as close as we used to be though. If it turns out to be half the relationship that I have with you guys, I think it will be alright. My new roommates, Gail and Chloe are a junior and sophomore respectively. They're younger and fresher, yet we get along well. It has only been a mere two months but the next 10 months here looks very feasible.
Summer seems to finally be starting up for me. I have a week an a half to finally work on lab, go places, and play LoL without the worries of midterms and finals. Looking back though, the summer wasn't all that hectic. I still had time to make macarons, cookies, muffins, and dinners. I got "kidnapped" to ice-cream and karaoke. I made a new friend through LoL- Eric- whom Zach knows quite well now since he also plays with me. Eric keeps me company by messages at work or just randomly showing up for a chat. He is an interesting individual. I haven't quite figured out how he wormed himself into my and my friends lives so easily. Everyone seems to love his company and I find myself drawn to observing him.
Eric and Lexi visited just this Sunday. I haven't gotten much time to catch up with them in the past and in one afternoon, I learned so much about them and from them. I feel like I've missed out so much by being such a recluse in the past. I am still working on this socializing and initiating conversation deal, but hanging out with them made me realize how much I've changed in these three years. I still have Zach's two trips up to SF and Berkeley to look forward to,Les Miz to attend, and Irene may be heading up at some point. I have a feeling that this will be a great end to the summer and I plan to enjoy every last moment.

Anna: Reminiscing last weekend

A bit late, but hey. Last weekend was.....spectacular. There's a word I haven't used in a while. And although Zach still needs to upload video (ahem!!), I hope the Facebook pictures and this post and the random phone calls also made people happy. I'm not going to rant too much about the state of my mind during finals time, but suffice it to say I was not at any high point. But Heaven's arrival soon reversed all that. I can't stress enough how wonderful it was to just pick up where we left off, and also show her around my stomping grounds a bit. After the crazy year we both had, I think it was beyond necessary. Its nice that the weather decided to cooperate as well, for the most part at least.

That first night (last Thursday) was basically us hanging out and enjoying each other's presence again. We drank, we colored. I had turned in my last final that evening and was finally free from everything known as school. We planned epic plans for the rest of the weekend.

The following morning, we got coffee with my friend Angie (who was the ONLY one of my friends in town/not busy with graduating, and only for that one morning)and soaked up the rare phenomenon called sun, which only really happens once or twice throughout the late autumn/winter/early spring so all of us Portlanders naturally forget about it. Zach drove up and met us shortly after, and we went on a food cart adventure (side note: the food carts here are AMAZING. Like...woah. I wish we'd had time/money to visit more of them because good Lord. There is a reason we have an annual food cart festival under the Morrison Bridge, that's all I'm saying). Immediately after that there was the obligatory Powell's adventure, in all of its four-story bookstore glory. I am so unbelievably proud of myself that I managed to resist buying the five or six books I wanted to. We then wandered around the Pearl District for a bit, and ducked into a curiosity shop full of imported knick knacks from Asia. Then up up up we walked to NW 23rd Avenue, a neat little neighborhood (street, rather) of restaurants and boutiques and shops. We stopped at a tea house and had delicious bubble tea (which is documented on Facebook), and I found an amazing Himalayan arts and wares store that I sort of lost myself in for about 15 or 20 minutes. Back to my apartment we went, then off to Salem for the night.

Fun ensued. Drinks ensued. I embarrassed myself thoroughly and we all watched different lengths of Princess Mononoke. The next morning was us dealing with hangovers and making waffles (well, Zach making waffles and me pointedly not listening to him and washing his dishes). Heaven got a quick tour of the beautiful Willamette Campus, and we frolicked in its rose garden for a minute. Then off to the Columbia River Gorge....until Zach remembered he had forgotten his wallet. So we headed back to Salem and decided, "hell, let's stop at a Jack 'N the Box, because we are all suddenly craving fast food." A heart-attack meal, Heaven-driving-in-place-of-a-sleepy-Zach, and car shenanigans later, we arrived at the Gorge in the late afternoon (again, documented). Zach stalked Koreans, we were all three stalked by three gay men, and we decided to walk a trail to a waterfall then deviate from said trail and climb up a slope to the main highway. Only to have to climb back down to the waterfall a few minutes later. :P Thoroughly exhausted, we went back to my apartment and stayed there for the rest of the evening.

Sunday was the day of the zoo and the humid humid weather (although I hear that its worse in upstate NY. Ick). We spent a good hour and a half (maybe even almost two hours) at the Oregon Zoo, which was both interesting and slightly depressing at points. The treatment of the elephants and the monkeys upset me. But we survived it reasonably well, and went back downtown to grab lunch at Little Big Burger and see the participants of that morning's Pride Parade strut around. Then Quelf games and banana muffin baking at my apartment ensued. Zach departed for Salem, and Heaven and I went for a short walk down to the waterfront (which, honestly, is one of my favorite places in Portland. Its beautiful.) We talked life, then headed back to downtown to talk more life over late night milkshakes (which were delicious). That quickly turned into a good old-fashioned movie night that our group of friends is so good at doing.

Monday was synonymous with awesome. Heaven and I ventured across the river to Hawthorne St, another street/neighborhood in Portland and by far the one that her and I were most impressed with. I showed her Paleo's Dessert house, my favorite coffee-place in the city, and the circular rose gardens in the middle of Ladd's Addition. We walked up Hawthorne more and explored the shops there (there was an AWESOME toy store that is now my go-to place anytime I need to get something for my nieces). We had lunch at the Cup and Saucer cafe, which possibly has the most amazing food ever, then walked through adorable neighborhoods to Belmont St. From Belmont (I kid you not) we walked from SE 39th all the way to the river (almost 40 streets), across the Morrison Bridge (which was terrifying and I'm never fucking doing it again) then up to the MAX stop at Pioneer Courthouse. 50 blocks or so, give or take. We were exhausted and wanted bubble tea. We found a place with super comfortable chairs and camped out there for a while, with our bubble tea, refusing to move. That night was another quiet one, with a quick trip to Powell's again for hot chocolate and another movie (Shakespeare in Love, which was rather ridiculous but also entertaining).

Tuesday we got ready for Heaven to leave in the afternoon. It was a rather calm day in which neither of us really wanted to spend more money, and I eventually saw her off at 2:30 at the train station.

That was almost literally a play by play. Again: Zach = video. Pester him for it if you would like to see it in existence. The weekend was honestly the best thing to happen to me in a while, and it was the PERFECT transition from a trainwreck of a year to a hopefully smoother summer (jury's still out, but my fingers are crossed!) I only wish it could have been a reunion proper, with all of us, but I'm happy for what I got. I love you all, and thank you so much Heaven for coming up. And also for the encouraging messages you left me. They are displayed on my fridge as reminders. :)

Love. <3

Zach: Grabble Grabble Grah!

Hurrah! I passed my Mallet Proficiency!

It means I am one step closer to graduating. To get my music ed degree I need to pass four different proficiencies and I am woefully behind. Usually at this point people are done, or only have on left, and I have only done one, and I barely passed. I have so much farther to go, but it does feel nice to have passed this one. I am hoping that over the summer I can prepare for another and play it right when we start school again so that I will be halfway done and only have to do 2 during the school year, instead of the remaining three.

In other news: One of my favorite vloggers replied to one of my tweets today, which was really exciting, even though it is kind of insignificant.

I have 4 jobs for this summer, maybe 5, so that's something.

I should be back in Cali in August, probably mid August, and I will be bringing people. Minimum one Japanese student (not Andrew) and Maximum 3 me thinks(Kirsten, Dillon, and Ryousuke). It should be a fun summer, what with all of the work, and none of the school, and all of the fun times. GRAH. Must also practice this summer. Summer isn't going to be a break, but that doesn't mean that it won't be fun.

So Yeah! I was just excited about passing, even if it was just barely, and I felt like I needed to tell someone, and you guys were it.

Also I have been listening to Dirty Hister No Nose by The Week(which is meekakitty and nanalew and some other people I don't know from the internet). I love the internet. See you guys on it later.

AJ: Change of Reality

I've always convinced myself that I was going to accept change, that I wasn't afraid of it, and that it was going to be alright. But now that I'm faced with the reality that everyone that I've known and have spent the time to get close to in the past 3 years could potentially disappear from my life in just a couple of weeks, I just realized that I couldn't bear it. I basically had a little breakdown. This little episode began with apartment hunting I suppose. Sue, probably my closest friend here at Berkeley, was the first to decide to sign up for RA duty. It meant free living, free food, a whole lot of responsibility, and most of all, she was moving out. The first sign of change. This also meant the rest of us were moving out. At first, this only meant a new apt, with what was left of our group- Me, Jen, and our cat, Tobi. Now, differences in living, since I can't support what fancy apartments that Jen's parents have in mind for her, I can't live up to those criteria as a mere college undergraduate student trying to support herself with meager wages and 23 units of class. Why can't they understand that? From that point on, the cracks deepened, propagated itself to proportions that I can't accept all at once. It means that I will have to live with other people, that my cat will be mine no longer. I may not be as close to Sue and Jennifer as I once was, or it might turn into the comfortable relationship that I have with all of you. I cannot know yet, and I fear it. And Ryan, whom I once had prepared myself would soon graduate and go on with his own life, is now adding to my fear of change. I've gotten unexpectedly comfortable and familiar with him, more so than I had ever anticipated. They're all moving out of my grasp so quickly, I don't know what will be left of me. I didn't believe it myself at first. I couldn't understand why I was so upset. It was Ryan who pointed it out to me and I suppose I accept his hypothesis. I guess I am the sort of person who doesn't like change. Now that I know it, I'm feel compelled to face it head on. It's a stubborn part of me that doesn't want to conform to the accusation of "one of those people". From here, all the changes that I was looking forward or have accepted as fact- graduation, applying to graduate schools, living without midterms and finding a job- they've all taken a turn to scary. I guess I need some more time. Time that I don't really have on hand.