I just need to say this. I'm terrified I will never go anywhere with life.
When I say that, I don't mean "I don't think I'll be successful" or "I won't be recognized for achievements." I mean I'm scared I won't accomplish any of my goals or make a difference in the world. I'm getting cynical about humanity and about how much I can actually change the world before I've even tried! It just seems like such an impossible task. People slaughtering each other as if its second nature, people starving and dying from disease and genocide and whatnot. These are the issues I'm passionate about. They are what motivate me to get up in the goddamn morning. But it just seems so impossible. Forget the fact that I'm just some nobody from America....how can I possibly tackle such issues as these and actually make a dent in life?
I mean, these aren't just community neighbor squabbles. People are fucking dying. They live in unthinkable poverty, they often don't have access to education or medicine, they often live under harsh dictatorships. Jesus Christ. The list goes on and on, and I just feel like I can't do anything about it. As much as I want all this suffering to just stop, I feel like I'm an ant trying to move a mountain, one grain of sand at a time. And I've still got two fucking years of school left. I'm not supposed to feel this helpless and cynical yet. Not before I've even gone out on the field.
Lets face it, I'm panicking. I have always been able to feel myself moving toward something. Toward my black belt in Taekwando, toward high school graduation and college, toward AP exams, etc. I've always been working for something. But now, I'm just stagnate. Its the first time in my life that I've looked into my future and seen a huge void of nothingness and it scares the hell out of me. I have no plan. I have no strategy of how my life is going to work after I graduate. Where will I go, what will I do, who will I work for, and will my work actually benefit someone? Or will I just be another well-meaning soul who was absorbed into the system and turned into a 9-5 robot?
I can't see myself "going places" and "doing things" because I don't even know where to start. Sure, I'll get my degree and then what? Hope that I can somehow pay for graduate school? Political science isn't a field in which I can plan to be "teacher" or "doctor" or "engineer." I feel like I have to create something out of nothing, and I'm not good at doing that. I'm not an artist. I work with what's given to me, which is why schedules and lists and plans keep me sane.
I'm passionate about what I'm studying. I can't help it. But what good is passion if I don't do anything with it? If all my potential and ambition just withers away while I get distracted by trying to keep myself alive and off the streets? I wouldn't be able to stand that.
God, I'm going crazy.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Zach: He's reading the syllabus AT us.
He is reading the syllabus AT us. not to us. AT us.
It is terrible. I want to punch life in the face. second semester of music history and he is reading the terribly written and horribly formatted syllabus at us.
Other things are going pretty well right now. I think I am going to be in the Wind Ensemble when I want to be in Orchestra, but hopefully by next semester I will be in Orchestra because I want to play Carmen and that is the Opera for next semester.
This is it for now though because I probably shouldn't be on my laptop in class, especially because I am one of 12 students. Bleh
It is terrible. I want to punch life in the face. second semester of music history and he is reading the terribly written and horribly formatted syllabus at us.
Other things are going pretty well right now. I think I am going to be in the Wind Ensemble when I want to be in Orchestra, but hopefully by next semester I will be in Orchestra because I want to play Carmen and that is the Opera for next semester.
This is it for now though because I probably shouldn't be on my laptop in class, especially because I am one of 12 students. Bleh
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Anna & Zach: Until Next Time
I just wanna say that you guys are fucking rad. I had an awesome time reconnecting....and even though time was short, it was a good break from the monotony of a dreary summer. THANK YOU. You guys are, always were, and always will be, my best friends. Family. Fambly. Keep on keeping on this next year. Be awesome, be well, and stay beautiful.
Love.
The time was short, but awesome. Imma miss you guys when we leave tomorrow, and before, and after. And all the time. Until we see each other again. Keep on keepin on.
Love.
The time was short, but awesome. Imma miss you guys when we leave tomorrow, and before, and after. And all the time. Until we see each other again. Keep on keepin on.
Friday, August 5, 2011
H: These days
Hey guys, sorry I am always bitching about something recently. I'm VENTING.
I have moved. My house is fucking awesome, it's just like a dream.
My dad came home from tour, was nice to me for about 12 hours, then started a fight with me (which he denies starting) and drilled into my head about how mean I am "you are mean you are mean you are mean you are mean." For half an hour, these are the only words that came out of his mouth; I left, came home, and the next time I talked to him at 8 pm, he called me just to tell me how mean I am. Can you fucking believe that? It would be nice to be UPLIFTED by my father. It would be nice to have somebody to be able to lean on when I wasn't strong enough to stand by myself. I look at the past and I see how great my dad was. He was my hero. Now I do all I can to avoid him because everytime I see him it's yell yell yell mean mean mean bad person bad person bad person.
Everybody fucking loves me because I am a nice, considerate, generous person who would do ANYTHING for her friends, ANY of my friends. I'M FUCKING AWESOME. And I am not afraid to say it. Let my ego inflate, I need it. Yeah, I can be mean, but then again, so can even the nicest person. And I have NEVER been a BAD person. I can't say that I am a good person, but I do what I can.
Anyway, my house is awesome, did I mention that?
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU, ZACHERY AND ANNA!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Also, my car is fixed. And I made a quilt.
I have moved. My house is fucking awesome, it's just like a dream.
My dad came home from tour, was nice to me for about 12 hours, then started a fight with me (which he denies starting) and drilled into my head about how mean I am "you are mean you are mean you are mean you are mean." For half an hour, these are the only words that came out of his mouth; I left, came home, and the next time I talked to him at 8 pm, he called me just to tell me how mean I am. Can you fucking believe that? It would be nice to be UPLIFTED by my father. It would be nice to have somebody to be able to lean on when I wasn't strong enough to stand by myself. I look at the past and I see how great my dad was. He was my hero. Now I do all I can to avoid him because everytime I see him it's yell yell yell mean mean mean bad person bad person bad person.
Everybody fucking loves me because I am a nice, considerate, generous person who would do ANYTHING for her friends, ANY of my friends. I'M FUCKING AWESOME. And I am not afraid to say it. Let my ego inflate, I need it. Yeah, I can be mean, but then again, so can even the nicest person. And I have NEVER been a BAD person. I can't say that I am a good person, but I do what I can.
Anyway, my house is awesome, did I mention that?
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU, ZACHERY AND ANNA!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Also, my car is fixed. And I made a quilt.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Zach: Opportunities.
Okay. So. Today. Big call.
My Apartment-mate and I got a call today. We were on the waitlist to get into a bigger apartment. And well, we can move to that apartment if we want. Right now we are in the cute little one bedroom. And by we I mean I am in it. He hasn't gotten here yet. I love this apartment. It is perfect, for me. But once he move in I don't know exactly how things are gonna work. I think that the size is just perfect for myself. There is definitely some unused space, but I think that he will be taking up more than just that unused space and we might not have enough space as the two of us. But I am not sure.
So this bigger two bedroom apartment falls into our laps and I am not sure what to do. Yes there is the second bedroom, but that doesn't make much of a difference. I just snuck into the apartment because it was unlocked and it is pretty nice. SO MUCH COUNTER SPACE. That alone makes me want to upgrade. But. I don't think that that amount of counter space is worth the $1350 increase in rent for the year.
Now the potentially new apartment is nice, the paint job is okay (the majority of it is pretty good but there are definitely things that NEED to be painted over because they kinda suck) It is bigger. But it also comes with more stuff. Which would be nice if I didn't have a bunch of my own stuff. So basically all of the extra stuff that is in there is taking up the extra space that we would be getting out of moving. So the space issue is basically moot.
The only major thing right now is that I am not sure what to do because of this: I am not particularly fond of my apartment-mate. I mean, he is a nice guy and I like him well enough. The only reason we are living together is because his girlfriend is my best friend here, and I don't want to be far away from her and this was the best solution. Now I am not sure exactly what to do.
Update: I just went back there to check it out with one of my friends to get here opinion. I am basically in the same place though, probably leaning towards the stay in this apt option, but I have to figure it out.
Rawr. I don't know what to do. Do I spring for the bigger apt that might help me survive living with him next year (yes I did just use the term survive). Or do I stay here in this cheaper and still really nice apt? I must decide by Wednesday and I don't want to.
My Apartment-mate and I got a call today. We were on the waitlist to get into a bigger apartment. And well, we can move to that apartment if we want. Right now we are in the cute little one bedroom. And by we I mean I am in it. He hasn't gotten here yet. I love this apartment. It is perfect, for me. But once he move in I don't know exactly how things are gonna work. I think that the size is just perfect for myself. There is definitely some unused space, but I think that he will be taking up more than just that unused space and we might not have enough space as the two of us. But I am not sure.
So this bigger two bedroom apartment falls into our laps and I am not sure what to do. Yes there is the second bedroom, but that doesn't make much of a difference. I just snuck into the apartment because it was unlocked and it is pretty nice. SO MUCH COUNTER SPACE. That alone makes me want to upgrade. But. I don't think that that amount of counter space is worth the $1350 increase in rent for the year.
Now the potentially new apartment is nice, the paint job is okay (the majority of it is pretty good but there are definitely things that NEED to be painted over because they kinda suck) It is bigger. But it also comes with more stuff. Which would be nice if I didn't have a bunch of my own stuff. So basically all of the extra stuff that is in there is taking up the extra space that we would be getting out of moving. So the space issue is basically moot.
The only major thing right now is that I am not sure what to do because of this: I am not particularly fond of my apartment-mate. I mean, he is a nice guy and I like him well enough. The only reason we are living together is because his girlfriend is my best friend here, and I don't want to be far away from her and this was the best solution. Now I am not sure exactly what to do.
Update: I just went back there to check it out with one of my friends to get here opinion. I am basically in the same place though, probably leaning towards the stay in this apt option, but I have to figure it out.
Rawr. I don't know what to do. Do I spring for the bigger apt that might help me survive living with him next year (yes I did just use the term survive). Or do I stay here in this cheaper and still really nice apt? I must decide by Wednesday and I don't want to.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
AJ: I want a hug; so I'm going to give you one
Today is honestly not my favorite day. It started off fairly well, however, as of right now I have an important midterm coming up, I have had a fever of 101 since noon, minor pains over my whole body, and studying doesn't help with this fever.
I want a hug. I want a good grade on this midterm. I want to be better by tomorrow.
Nobody seems to be around. Busy with midterms, their own lives, their own problems. Even the people that stopped by today just needed something - internet, flashlight, food-something that probably stressed me out even more.
I just need a hug, and if no one is around to give me one, I'm going to find one myself. Next time I see you guys, I'm giving you a big bear hug!
I shouldn't be waiting around for things to come.
P.S ~ Thank you Zach. I'm enjoying a conversation with you at the moment. I feel better already. Meanwhile, you just made me log off of hotmail to sign into gmail to talk to you. And now I have to sign back into hotmail before they let me post this again. =P
I want a hug. I want a good grade on this midterm. I want to be better by tomorrow.
Nobody seems to be around. Busy with midterms, their own lives, their own problems. Even the people that stopped by today just needed something - internet, flashlight, food-something that probably stressed me out even more.
I just need a hug, and if no one is around to give me one, I'm going to find one myself. Next time I see you guys, I'm giving you a big bear hug!
I shouldn't be waiting around for things to come.
P.S ~ Thank you Zach. I'm enjoying a conversation with you at the moment. I feel better already. Meanwhile, you just made me log off of hotmail to sign into gmail to talk to you. And now I have to sign back into hotmail before they let me post this again. =P
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Anna: 180
A little while ago, on my own blog, I recounted that I was in a funk.
A haircut and an awesome weekend in Salem later, I'm happy to report that I seem to be coming out of it. I still don't have a job, I don't have any pressing obligations besides getting stuff ready for MUN this next year and oh yeah, attending Salsa class, but that's okay. I going to a volunteering info session this Friday, I'm still on the job hunt and there's even been some whispering of a road trip to California?? Oh my!!
That said, I'm still anxious. When am I not really? Life isn't all sunshine and bubbles, but at least I can sustain a good mood for a few hours now. Progress.
That's all for this post, really. I just wanted to let everyone know about this awesome development.
Love.
A haircut and an awesome weekend in Salem later, I'm happy to report that I seem to be coming out of it. I still don't have a job, I don't have any pressing obligations besides getting stuff ready for MUN this next year and oh yeah, attending Salsa class, but that's okay. I going to a volunteering info session this Friday, I'm still on the job hunt and there's even been some whispering of a road trip to California?? Oh my!!
That said, I'm still anxious. When am I not really? Life isn't all sunshine and bubbles, but at least I can sustain a good mood for a few hours now. Progress.
That's all for this post, really. I just wanted to let everyone know about this awesome development.
Love.
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