AJ: Insignificants

I see it's been a bit lonely over in this corner of the world. Busy lives, errands, and career goals can do that to you. I thought I would just take some time to ramble, especially since I can't seem to garble up any energy to accomplish anything until I managed to get it all out somewhere.
I started the day at seven, busied myself for ten hours, tried to fill myself up with all the sugar, videos and indulgences, but it seems my heart won't still until I put it in an outlet. So, here it is.
The background story is that Ryan and I broke up approximately six months ago. Nonetheless, even if we weren't always a traditional couple, we aren't magnificent at breaking up either. Perhaps it's my interdependent nature, perhaps it's because now I'm far away from my close family, most friends, and of course, you, I ended up spending all my extra time with Ryan despite the breakup. In truth and retrospect, I had hopes we'd somehow repair whatever gap we had found ourselves in. Delusional, hopeful thoughts, and silly, but I couldn't help it.I'm a romantic at the core. Now we're back at the beginning, maybe the beginning of the end?
I still feel as if I can tell him what I would to my closest of friends and vice-versa. He still feels the need to treat me and be close by. Just like the beginning- mixed messages, confiding, yet no real significance.
We've talked it out though, he's been moving on. I can't move quite as fast, but I can at least give up useless daydreams. I wanted to drop these thoughts off. Off into a safe, insignificant little medium and free myself to pick up significant things. Maybe Ryan was right, I did seem overly content with life, boring, and dependent. I'm scared of change, but it's not true I have no dreams. I've been dallying, I've been putting my dreams into the wrong place, I've procrastinated and I've been lazy. I hope to put these thoughts here to rest and pick up the dreams that matter.

Anna: Thanks

I was suicidal once upon a time, in junior high and my first year of high school, before I met most of you. I've never felt quite that way again, and I really think its because of you. Even if we don't see each other much anymore or even speak much, we always seem to pick up where we left off. You are literally the best friends I have ever had, and I don't know what I'd do without you.

I know we might (probably will) go separate ways in life. Our horizons will expand as we learn and grow and include more and more people in our personal bubbles, and that's okay. I'm lucky to have had you guys, and to still have you in whatever capacity I do. Sometimes I honestly don't know why people keep me around, but I think I'm starting to care less and less. I know its possible to choose a family instead of simply being born into a broken one. And the fact that I've had that experience, that I've had all of you, for however long or short a time, keeps me alive.

I'm trying to be happy. Its easy some days and unbelievably difficult some others. But I'm trying.

Anna: Short and sweet

I need to get out of Portland.

Really though. I need to leave and live in a different area for a while, because I am 98% certain that this place is driving me crazy. I've hardly recognized myself the past few months, and I hate that. I absolutely hate it.

AJ- A Practice Round

I'm wracked with guilt.
Actually, I'm being melodramatic. The situation is not terribly dire. I just feel extremely disgusted with myself for being so terribly lazy in the last few weeks after graduating. I have a lengthy list of chores I must accomplish. Graduate school applications, job hunting, internship hunting, essays, testing. Life after graduation does not look as glorious as it once seemed.
This is a practice round. I can't remember the last time I wrote a piece which I have felt is more than adequate for anything. No longer have I felt the immense satisfaction and pride after finishing a paper required for class. I no longer remember more than a mere inkling of the work that Mrs. Asgill and Mr. Huth have so painstakingly drilled into our mind. What is left now is a faint memory of the satisfaction and a mourning of that feeling. I want it back. At least, I want to write something that I would be able to reread and not feel I had merely thrown some words together, not like what I'm doing at the moment. I want it to give the reader that, at least a some point, there had been a little blood and sweat infused with the work. That it's worth reading, that I'm worth considering. So, this is my practice round. My warm up, my motivation to begin again.

Zach: Airport Hopping

Hey there,

So I am sitting in SEATAC right now waiting for my flight back down past PDX and Salem to California. Fun times. The internet here sucks.

So life has been bad and good, as life does, and I guess it is my turn to update errybody on my life n' stuffs.

So, one more semester to go. At the end of this semester it was just about passing classes, I didn't really care about what grade I got, as long as I passed. I think I have accomplished this. We'll see in about a weeks time.

Next semester will hopefully be the easiest semester yet, but because I kind of didn't care at the end of this semester, things might be a little bit harder than they have to be next semester.

In personal related stuff. I signed up for online dating. Don't judge me. :P I started talking to someone about two weeks ago and went on a date with him on Thursday. We have been talking a lot, prolly a few hours every day, and I have good feelings about this. I want to take it slow though, just in case. Awkward thing though, his name is Zach. Which I don't care about, but I feel that it is awkward to introduce him to other people because we have the same name, but talking to him and spending time with him is nice.

I got a new camera, which Jessica already knows, and I Yvette, but yeah. I am excited about it. I get to have a lot of fun messing with new camera settings and features and learning more about filming stuffffffffff. I am excited.

But anyway, life is looking up I think. I am excited about only having one more semester of school. I am happy about my personal relationships, just starting and otherwise. I am looking forward to seeing people back in Turlock and then coming back up for Anna's birthday!

I miss you all,

Zach

Anna: Love

So I've been really enjoying this relaxing weekend, telling myself I should do homework but instead cuddling up in my aunt's huge armchair and watching another musical. Not getting online until 8 p.m. or so. Eating food. Making food. Sleeping. Even with the beginnings of a sore throat, this has been wonderful. I am happy.

I hope you all had as a relaxing Thanksgiving weekend as I am!! Love you all.

Edit: Nevermind, I'm definitely sick and it sucks. At least it was nice while it lasted??

Heaven: FUCK YEAH I'M FINALLY IN!!!

Hey guys, I made it! My computer has been redirecting me to my school email everytime I try to log in, so this is a momentous occasion for me! I finally get to post!

Anyway, all I really wanted to post was a poem I wrote-- it's the first poem I've written in over a year, believe it or not! This depression has had me in a funk, but the poem will say everything I've been needing to say for a long time.

You guys are awesome, and thinking about you gave me the hope to persevere.

The Long Winter
January 2011- October 2012

I look back
On those metaphors
And similes
I had when
I was a kid—
Sinking ships
Train wrecks
Old India Ink
Pumping through
My bloodstream.

Peter,
when did I
grow old?

When did I
lay down
my pen?

How long have I
Been grieving,
Wandering
This labyrinth?

Divorce
Abuse
Depression
Death
Drug addiction
Blame blame blame
Fire
Fight
Fright

Dad, I know—
I understand now
But then
I was just so afraid
You would die;
That I’d come in
To shake you awake
And find you stiff
Instead of pale
And shivering.

And then there were
The fights;
The slamming doors.
“Why don’t you just go
Take some fucking pills!”
I scream
After Dad tells me
I am
Heartless
Cold
And mean.

I feel blank.
I am alone.
I am stupid
Fat
Ugly

The Great Paradox:
Am I living
Or dying
In this mortal body?
I convinced myself
Death
Was the next
Big adventure,
Until my heart
Went supernova.

It stopped beating;
I stopped breathing.
Sipping into silence…

All is calm

Before the storm.

The firetrucks.
The ambulance.
The smoke.

Anxiety attacks.
Sitting in the
Hospital parking lot
Until I stop
Shaking.
Sleep, sleep.

I watch Grandpa
Grow grayer and grayer,
Thinner and thinner.
I plea him to go
To the doctor.
He is too worried
About Dad.
About me, too.

Every day
I cry
Until my boyfriend
Pulls the pillows
Over his head,
To drown
The sound of
Me
Drowning.

I try to save Christmas
Now that Dad, Grandpa,
And the dog
Live in a hotel room.
I dress up as
The Christmas Faerie.
Me and Dad fight—
“Shut up,” he rumbles,
When I tell him
He is not welcome
To do drugs
In my home.

Even so,
He’s giving us all
The best gift—
He agreed to go
To Rehab.

Finally

Relief

Life
Can
Slow
Down

But
Then

The Big “C” strikes—
Who knew that
Time
Could stop
After the blur
Of years
Blind.

Now

We drive Grandpa
To chemotherapy,
Feed him everything
The doctor recommends.
I get him a lap dog
Since he can’t
Get out too much
Anymore.
She’s in love with him.

For once, the whole family
Is together—aunts, uncles,
Cousins, brothers, sisters,
Nieces, nephews—
We throw a birthday party;
We host a dinner;
Play cards;
Watch TV;
Sit and Talk, mostly—
Remember
Laugh
Cry.

We get a record player
And listen to
Glenn Miller, Loretta Lynn,
And old Broadway vinyl.

I write a song.
I read a book.
I sew a quilt.
I knit a toy.
I walk my dog.
I drink whiskey.
I make friends.
I dance.

We light a bonfire
At the cabin
And I throw my shoes in
And laugh.

I smoke more pot than ever.

And I’m in love,
With Sonny Malcom,
And the trees,
And life.

Dad’s getting married.
Grandpa’s staying strong.

And I’m finally writing again.