AJ- A Practice Round

I'm wracked with guilt.
Actually, I'm being melodramatic. The situation is not terribly dire. I just feel extremely disgusted with myself for being so terribly lazy in the last few weeks after graduating. I have a lengthy list of chores I must accomplish. Graduate school applications, job hunting, internship hunting, essays, testing. Life after graduation does not look as glorious as it once seemed.
This is a practice round. I can't remember the last time I wrote a piece which I have felt is more than adequate for anything. No longer have I felt the immense satisfaction and pride after finishing a paper required for class. I no longer remember more than a mere inkling of the work that Mrs. Asgill and Mr. Huth have so painstakingly drilled into our mind. What is left now is a faint memory of the satisfaction and a mourning of that feeling. I want it back. At least, I want to write something that I would be able to reread and not feel I had merely thrown some words together, not like what I'm doing at the moment. I want it to give the reader that, at least a some point, there had been a little blood and sweat infused with the work. That it's worth reading, that I'm worth considering. So, this is my practice round. My warm up, my motivation to begin again.

Zach: Airport Hopping

Hey there,

So I am sitting in SEATAC right now waiting for my flight back down past PDX and Salem to California. Fun times. The internet here sucks.

So life has been bad and good, as life does, and I guess it is my turn to update errybody on my life n' stuffs.

So, one more semester to go. At the end of this semester it was just about passing classes, I didn't really care about what grade I got, as long as I passed. I think I have accomplished this. We'll see in about a weeks time.

Next semester will hopefully be the easiest semester yet, but because I kind of didn't care at the end of this semester, things might be a little bit harder than they have to be next semester.

In personal related stuff. I signed up for online dating. Don't judge me. :P I started talking to someone about two weeks ago and went on a date with him on Thursday. We have been talking a lot, prolly a few hours every day, and I have good feelings about this. I want to take it slow though, just in case. Awkward thing though, his name is Zach. Which I don't care about, but I feel that it is awkward to introduce him to other people because we have the same name, but talking to him and spending time with him is nice.

I got a new camera, which Jessica already knows, and I Yvette, but yeah. I am excited about it. I get to have a lot of fun messing with new camera settings and features and learning more about filming stuffffffffff. I am excited.

But anyway, life is looking up I think. I am excited about only having one more semester of school. I am happy about my personal relationships, just starting and otherwise. I am looking forward to seeing people back in Turlock and then coming back up for Anna's birthday!

I miss you all,

Zach

Anna: Love

So I've been really enjoying this relaxing weekend, telling myself I should do homework but instead cuddling up in my aunt's huge armchair and watching another musical. Not getting online until 8 p.m. or so. Eating food. Making food. Sleeping. Even with the beginnings of a sore throat, this has been wonderful. I am happy.

I hope you all had as a relaxing Thanksgiving weekend as I am!! Love you all.

Edit: Nevermind, I'm definitely sick and it sucks. At least it was nice while it lasted??

Heaven: FUCK YEAH I'M FINALLY IN!!!

Hey guys, I made it! My computer has been redirecting me to my school email everytime I try to log in, so this is a momentous occasion for me! I finally get to post!

Anyway, all I really wanted to post was a poem I wrote-- it's the first poem I've written in over a year, believe it or not! This depression has had me in a funk, but the poem will say everything I've been needing to say for a long time.

You guys are awesome, and thinking about you gave me the hope to persevere.

The Long Winter
January 2011- October 2012

I look back
On those metaphors
And similes
I had when
I was a kid—
Sinking ships
Train wrecks
Old India Ink
Pumping through
My bloodstream.

Peter,
when did I
grow old?

When did I
lay down
my pen?

How long have I
Been grieving,
Wandering
This labyrinth?

Divorce
Abuse
Depression
Death
Drug addiction
Blame blame blame
Fire
Fight
Fright

Dad, I know—
I understand now
But then
I was just so afraid
You would die;
That I’d come in
To shake you awake
And find you stiff
Instead of pale
And shivering.

And then there were
The fights;
The slamming doors.
“Why don’t you just go
Take some fucking pills!”
I scream
After Dad tells me
I am
Heartless
Cold
And mean.

I feel blank.
I am alone.
I am stupid
Fat
Ugly

The Great Paradox:
Am I living
Or dying
In this mortal body?
I convinced myself
Death
Was the next
Big adventure,
Until my heart
Went supernova.

It stopped beating;
I stopped breathing.
Sipping into silence…

All is calm

Before the storm.

The firetrucks.
The ambulance.
The smoke.

Anxiety attacks.
Sitting in the
Hospital parking lot
Until I stop
Shaking.
Sleep, sleep.

I watch Grandpa
Grow grayer and grayer,
Thinner and thinner.
I plea him to go
To the doctor.
He is too worried
About Dad.
About me, too.

Every day
I cry
Until my boyfriend
Pulls the pillows
Over his head,
To drown
The sound of
Me
Drowning.

I try to save Christmas
Now that Dad, Grandpa,
And the dog
Live in a hotel room.
I dress up as
The Christmas Faerie.
Me and Dad fight—
“Shut up,” he rumbles,
When I tell him
He is not welcome
To do drugs
In my home.

Even so,
He’s giving us all
The best gift—
He agreed to go
To Rehab.

Finally

Relief

Life
Can
Slow
Down

But
Then

The Big “C” strikes—
Who knew that
Time
Could stop
After the blur
Of years
Blind.

Now

We drive Grandpa
To chemotherapy,
Feed him everything
The doctor recommends.
I get him a lap dog
Since he can’t
Get out too much
Anymore.
She’s in love with him.

For once, the whole family
Is together—aunts, uncles,
Cousins, brothers, sisters,
Nieces, nephews—
We throw a birthday party;
We host a dinner;
Play cards;
Watch TV;
Sit and Talk, mostly—
Remember
Laugh
Cry.

We get a record player
And listen to
Glenn Miller, Loretta Lynn,
And old Broadway vinyl.

I write a song.
I read a book.
I sew a quilt.
I knit a toy.
I walk my dog.
I drink whiskey.
I make friends.
I dance.

We light a bonfire
At the cabin
And I throw my shoes in
And laugh.

I smoke more pot than ever.

And I’m in love,
With Sonny Malcom,
And the trees,
And life.

Dad’s getting married.
Grandpa’s staying strong.

And I’m finally writing again.

Anna: Postscript...

In other news, I am basically questioning my whole life and the direction I'm going and what the fuck I want to do until I die. So I decided if by the the time I graduate I don't have a plan/something lined up, I will take whatever money I have saved and fucking run away somewhere where I don't know anyone and no one knows me and I will start over.

Anna: Too tired to think of a title

So I am taking Jewish/Israeli Literature as my last Cluster course (University Studies...don't ask), and my professor reminds me an AWFUL lot of Mr. Huth.

Seriously. He waxed poetic for a while about the scope of the class, giving us some key terms and literary references (similar to how Huth did) and he asked a student to act out a scene with him to drive home his point about the literary use of the shtetl as an allegory (again, don't ask). The whole time I was thinking...wow. This takes me back.

I don't think he'll be quite as awesome as Huth, but you never know. I just wanted to share this very important fact with you all.

In other news, I am tired as hell for some reason. Its only 7:30 and I'm ready for bed. Unbelievable. There's also this gnawing anxious feeling in my chest that I'm forgetting something really damn important but for the life of me I cannot figure out what it is.

Love.

AJ- Everything is Well and Content

Looks like we've made it through all of July without a single post. I thought I would insert my input on this summer before the fall semester begins. I have nothing to complain; life seems to be going well.
First, I have just survived two summer classes, anatomy and economy. I think I've survived the class, however I prefer not to think about grades at the moment. I have gotten addicted to League of Legends this summer, courtesy of Ryan. Meanwhile, Ryan has gone to China and come back over the course of two months. He has been visiting me every weekend so far, which I am very happy about and grateful for. I am unsure of how long he can actually keep up this commute and what will happen when we enter into a semi- long distance relationship. For that part, I shall have to wait and see. I try not to plan too much about that.
I'm attempting to get back into wushu. I have been a bit klutzy so far, but it's working out well. I have new roommates this year, and a new apartment, at a new location. At first I was quite scared at what would happen to my relationship with Sue and Jennifer, and that my relationship with them would dwindle and die. It hasn't happened yet, and if I can help it, I won't let it happen. There will be changes, but I'm no longer scared that we will not be friends. I hope we will be able to stay as close as we used to be though. If it turns out to be half the relationship that I have with you guys, I think it will be alright. My new roommates, Gail and Chloe are a junior and sophomore respectively. They're younger and fresher, yet we get along well. It has only been a mere two months but the next 10 months here looks very feasible.
Summer seems to finally be starting up for me. I have a week an a half to finally work on lab, go places, and play LoL without the worries of midterms and finals. Looking back though, the summer wasn't all that hectic. I still had time to make macarons, cookies, muffins, and dinners. I got "kidnapped" to ice-cream and karaoke. I made a new friend through LoL- Eric- whom Zach knows quite well now since he also plays with me. Eric keeps me company by messages at work or just randomly showing up for a chat. He is an interesting individual. I haven't quite figured out how he wormed himself into my and my friends lives so easily. Everyone seems to love his company and I find myself drawn to observing him.
Eric and Lexi visited just this Sunday. I haven't gotten much time to catch up with them in the past and in one afternoon, I learned so much about them and from them. I feel like I've missed out so much by being such a recluse in the past. I am still working on this socializing and initiating conversation deal, but hanging out with them made me realize how much I've changed in these three years. I still have Zach's two trips up to SF and Berkeley to look forward to,Les Miz to attend, and Irene may be heading up at some point. I have a feeling that this will be a great end to the summer and I plan to enjoy every last moment.