Anna: Blah.

I just want it to be known that I really don't want to go back to Portland at all, and if I don't express this sentiment somewhere then I am going to end up breaking down and crying on the plane (a public place) which absolutely can't happen.

I just want to spend more time with my family and I don't think its fucking fair at all that everytime I leave I don't know when I'll see them again. I'm tired of busting my ass at school and in MUN only to have people continuously yell at and discourage me. I need a good long break from all this crap that makes me want to shove my head through a window.

I don't want to go back. I want to stay here and be with my family and chill.

Zach: Oddly at peace

So I'm here, sitting in the airport. I got about two hours of sleep, and I am oddly at peace.

My flight won't start boarding for another thirty-five minutes or so, so I just have to kill time, but I don't know, I'm okay with it.

I've been kinda stressed about my life for a while, but right now, it doesn't really matter.

I've been thinking about the things that are important in my life, and the things that it feels like I will never have, and I have broken down crying more times in the last two months than I have in the six years prior. I've had some help with all of the stuff going on, but most of it I have dealt with on my own, which has always been okay.

Last night I couldn't sleep. Not because I was nervous about the flight or anything, but because I was staying up, thinking about how I want my life to be different, I thought about boarding a plane to Korea, or Japan today instead of going back to California (I really need to break the habit of calling that place home, cause it sure as hell doesn't feel like it anymore[don't get me wrong, I love you guys, and I miss you all terribly, but I just can't take it anymore]). I feel like I just need to do something for myself, something completely selfish, because I feel so empty most of the time.

I feel kinda broken. Like I've given all of myself, and I have nothing left that's me, and I need something that is just for me, no one else. That is what going to Korea or Japan would be. I really want to go to Korea, and learn korean (although just spontaneously flying there probably wouldn't be the best way to learn the language) and I think it would be awesome to go to Japan and see my friends that just left (I miss them a lot already).

One of the main reasons I am not doing it is because I don't exactly have the money at hand, and I don't want to ruin my credit. I thought about it. A one way ticket there is a little less than a thousand dollars, and my credit limit is 1000, so that is fine, and I could pay that off with money is an account I have in Merced. A round trip tick though is over 1000, and I don't have that in an accessible account and it is over my credit limit. Rawr. I just want to go. Away. I need it.

I do get a little time to recover though. I get to come back early. The sixth! I get to be back at my apartment on the sixth. And I will see Beth that day for sure, and probably Andrew. Then they will go on choir tour, and they will get back from that right before everyone else gets back for school and we are going to go ice skating. I am excited!

But yes. That is basically my life right now.

Being in this airport though, I am oddly at peace.

Anna: Howdy-do

*EDIT: So I wrote this waay back during Thanksgiving weekend, fyi. For some reason I can't post to Blogger on my laptop. :(
____________________________________________________

I realized I haven't posted here since August. Wow. Feels like a lifetime ago. I think it goes without saying that this term has been crazy busy for me....my entire life is comprised of running around campus trying to do ten million things at once. This weekend is the first prolonged relaxation time I've had in...a while. President of Model UN + 16 credits = insanity. AND I'M DOING IT AGAIN NEXT TERM. I don't know how to explain myself, other than I need to finish in four years. Period. I could, theoretically, take less work-intensive course loads, but I wouldn't finish all my credits in time.

I'm also seriously considering/half decided on law school. Shoot me now. And I've realized that I can't talk about my future hopes and dreams without either a) boring people to death or b) igniting a political fight. "So yeah, maritime, human rights, and humanitarian laws just fascinate me, and how about those fascist bastards in government?" Great ice breakers there.

I'm still freaking out about all my usual worries, but I've resigned myself to the fact that they just won't go away ever. Right now, I just want to focus on the last two weeks of Fall term and then spending a whole damn month in the snow wonderland of Utica NY. And by snow wonderland, I mean the warm indoors where my family is. Seriously, I have no idea what to do with snow. I've only ever been exposed to about 2 inches at a time.

I'm listening to Band of Horses right now, and I'm having one of those moments where I just ask myself, "HOW is it possible for such beautiful fucking music to exist??" Know what I mean?

Also, I miss you guys. Since I'm not there for Thanksgiving (nothing new) and won't be for Christmas (sadface), I wanted to leave a little blurb to let you know that I am still active on this blog, and I love you guys and I do like sharing mundane details about my life with you. Like how I'm officially tired of Portland, and a good portion of the West Coast in general. I've got this thing where I get restless after a couple years and need to move on. Going on year three here, I need to leave. All I'm seeing is the negative about this place. But that's another discussion for another time, I guess.

I hope you guys had a good Thanksgiving and will have a fantastic Christmas.

Love.

Zach: I like 2 am... well almost three

So.

I'm up late. For no reason whatsoever. I even convinced Lauren to go to church at 10 in the morning with me because we shouldn't spend all morning sleeping. Boy was I stupid.

I actual thought that I might go to sleep when I got back to my apartment at midnight. Then I remembered that I have a computer, and the internet exists.

So I have been watching youtube for hours, and then spent time editing videos both for myself and for other people. This is because I have become really fascinated by vlogging. That's not really true though. I am not fascinated. I just really want to do it. I think it would be a whole lot of fun. So I'm going to.

I've already got a youtube and all kinds of stuff. I'm just gonna start vlogging. Which I am sure I am gonna feel pretty stupid doing it at first, because heck, I'm just gonna be recording myself talking to, well, me. But I figured that I have so much fun leaving videos to other people, and I have so much fun watching videos of other vloggers, that I might be able to do this.

But yes. I think I am going to vlog.

In other news:

School is pretty easy this year. I feel like I'm not doing anything because, well, I'm not really. I go to classes, and I turn in assignments(most of them anyway) but I am taking a super easy class load, and there isn't much homework (although I should be practicing my clarinet which I'm not because I am dropping clarinet next semester and switching to percussion).

Social things are going okay I guess. Some people think I am a control freak attention whore because I like to plan parties and I don't let people help clean up because hey, you're a guest and shouldn't have to do any work (but this is actually a fairly long story about how I hate how inconsiderate people are and because of that I come across as a control freak attention whore douche-bag apparently). But that is just a tiny portion of my social life right now. Everything is pretty good in general. Some friends transfered away this semester, which has been sad, especially in the case of my friend Tim because he is awesome and I don't think that he is having that great of a time where he is right now and is struggling, but I try to get him up here to hangout and relax some times. And then Kirsten is studying abroad right now and I really miss her. We spent a lot of time together over the summer and I want to see her again soon, but I have to wait until January :(.
Andrew and I broke up. Kinda. I think. We were never officially boyfriend and boyfriend. We both liked each other and we went on a few dates. But Andrew decided he wasn't ready for a relationship. He has been feeling really homesick and he thought there was too much change going on in his life, especially having never dated a boy before. The reason I say that we kinda broke up though is because it's been a week (two weeks?) And no one really knows. We have told a few people (like 4), but everyone else still thinks that we are going out. I am hoping that this means that we might get back together soon, but if not that's okay too (Although I obviously would prefer to be with him). (Also no one [Mostly Anna and Jessica L] be mad at him. He is awesome and we still spend a lot of time together, even just one on one time, and I do think that we might get back together, we just need to take things a lot slower [not that things were moving that quickly before, we were just at a holding hands and falling asleep on each other when we sat next to each other on the couch stage])

This is getting rather long. And I didn't really mean to tell you guys about Andrew. But. Yeah.

Starting a vlog.

Talk to you soon

Heaven: Can someone please show some humanity!

I know that I'm always talking bullshit, that I like to have more fun than I care about "the future." It's kinda true, I love to have fun, I love to do my own thing. I care more about feeling fulfilled based on what I want to do rather than what is expected of me. My definition of success is different than most of yours, I think.

But who am I to say, we're all on different paths.

But you know what, I actually do care about school. Up to this point, I have not had a good, solid college experience. In comparison to CSU Stanislaus, UC Riverside is the best thing that ever happened to me educationally (although I feel like Mr. Huth and Mr. Tribble come to mind even more than UCR). If I could keep going to UC Riverside and have everything that I have at home-- a happy home, a silly dog, great friends, good music, and enjoyable weather-- well, I wouldn't waste a heartbeat trying to transfer back in. It's not like that though, I know.

CSU Stanislaus is by far the worst school I can imagine. I have been shown kindness and compassion by very few people in this school. The majority of the time, staff members are rude, rude, RUDE! UGH! I can't get over how many times I have been brushed off, have been talked AT rather than TO, and have had all of my questions COMPLETELY ignored. Not to mention, I have been called HEATHER by almost every single one of these people, even though my name is featured within the emails at least three times. This did not happen ONCE at UC Riverside. At UCR, every single staff member-- professor, janitor, counselor, technician, gardener-- every single staff member showed kindness and compassion to their students, and the students at UC Riverside were all able to come together and be part of something at the same time as being individuals doing our own thing. I guess what I am trying to say is that the students and staff at UCR work together as a community rather than an a competetive business establishment. People care there, I take pride in being a community-oriented person.

At this school, I have not seen any community. The academic advisor assigned to me has refused me help, and after asking her three questions in three different emails, she has not answered ANY of my questions and refuses to, saying, "I can only advise within the major, I can only advise within the major." Okay, yeah, well I am a fucking English major! YOU CAN FUCKING ADVISE ME BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING ENGLISH MAJOR!!! Fuck! This lady even called me Heather successively-- isn't she an English professor? Isn't she supposed to be able to READ AND COMPREHEND?!

I have been trying to see someone about changing my major from English to a science, but I still would like to discuss English since I am three years into my education. I have a lot of things I want to discuss SOON so I don't keep wasting my time and money immersed in a field I no longer am passionate about. Don't get me wrong-- I love English, I really do, but my path is winding away from it now and I know it. I am going back to my roots. I want to study plants and animals, not words in books. Everything in highschool that I wanted to be-- a biologist, an engineer, an architect-- they were all things based on science and math, two subjects that I was not so good at. But still, I wanted to be those things more than I ever wanted to be an English teacher. I've been convincing myself into something that was a "safe zone", something that I have always been good at. But it's not my passion anymore. Maybe if I were still a Creative Writing student, things would be different. English is not for me.

And I can't find one person who is willing to go that extra mile to help me figure it out. Where is the humanity in this school? What is America breeding? Why is there so much competition and contempt between people? Why can't everybody just be good to eachother?

AJ: Two roads diverge into.... too many~

I've confirmed what I've been throwing around for the past year or so. I've mentioned it on and off in conversations. I apologize now, because I feel like I've just been talking about it in circles, but never coming up with a decision. I still don't have a decision. But maybe if I just talk more, eventually, my brain will settle on my solution.
My predicament is that I have asked my counselor. With 8 more units and the hope that I pass all my classes this semester. I can officially graduate with the class of 2012 Spring Semester. I CAN. But should I? There are so many options, pros and cons, that I can''t decide yet. I know that I have to make the ultimate decision. But, it doesn't hurt to get a clearer view and opinion to steer me in a better direction. So, I turn to you.
Graduating early Pros:
I can graduate EARLY! It's pretty exciting and cool, no more midterms!
I can save on tuition~ stupid changes have lost me Calgrant, Pell Grant and loans. This semester has been hard on me and my parents already.
I can always stay in Berkeley and audit classes for fun and for free. Why must I always have to pay for an education? I'm paying just for the class to be in a transcript.
I have more time and less stress to plan for my future.

Cons: I don't know what to do after I graduate~ what do I do?
(MCATS, GRAD SCHOOL?, JOB? Too little time to decide)
I want to stay in Berkeley which means to find a job after graduation, how hard is that?
I could get more time by staying in school and raise my GPA and a better chance for Grad school or med school.
I'll probably have to start paying off those loans from tuition after graduation.

And then, ultimately the decision has to be ~ what do I want to do after graduation? I have so much info gathering to do, and grades to keep up.
1. Am I good enough for grad school now, or do I have to keep working?
2. What kind of grad programs are there that I might find fulfilling?
3. I think I know what I might want to do, what is the route of actually getting there?
4. Can I find a job to sustain me on the way to fulfilling that route?
So many things on my mind. I should actually be focusing on the immediate, that is, my upcoming midterm on Physics.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that the safety of going through the motions of grade school, high school, college, the preset course work, they're all disappearing and leaving me with something very unknown. Am I strong enough to deviate from the safety of it all yet?

Heaven: Should I Marry Kokuum?

I have decided that, in a past life, I was an Indian Princess. After much deliberation and discussion, introspection, dreaming, pondering, whatwillyou, it must be true. Yep. I'm an Indian Princess, guys.

I guess that doesn't mean much except for that I am a fucking badass.