I know that I'm always talking bullshit, that I like to have more fun than I care about "the future." It's kinda true, I love to have fun, I love to do my own thing. I care more about feeling fulfilled based on what I want to do rather than what is expected of me. My definition of success is different than most of yours, I think.
But who am I to say, we're all on different paths.
But you know what, I actually do care about school. Up to this point, I have not had a good, solid college experience. In comparison to CSU Stanislaus, UC Riverside is the best thing that ever happened to me educationally (although I feel like Mr. Huth and Mr. Tribble come to mind even more than UCR). If I could keep going to UC Riverside and have everything that I have at home-- a happy home, a silly dog, great friends, good music, and enjoyable weather-- well, I wouldn't waste a heartbeat trying to transfer back in. It's not like that though, I know.
CSU Stanislaus is by far the worst school I can imagine. I have been shown kindness and compassion by very few people in this school. The majority of the time, staff members are rude, rude, RUDE! UGH! I can't get over how many times I have been brushed off, have been talked AT rather than TO, and have had all of my questions COMPLETELY ignored. Not to mention, I have been called HEATHER by almost every single one of these people, even though my name is featured within the emails at least three times. This did not happen ONCE at UC Riverside. At UCR, every single staff member-- professor, janitor, counselor, technician, gardener-- every single staff member showed kindness and compassion to their students, and the students at UC Riverside were all able to come together and be part of something at the same time as being individuals doing our own thing. I guess what I am trying to say is that the students and staff at UCR work together as a community rather than an a competetive business establishment. People care there, I take pride in being a community-oriented person.
At this school, I have not seen any community. The academic advisor assigned to me has refused me help, and after asking her three questions in three different emails, she has not answered ANY of my questions and refuses to, saying, "I can only advise within the major, I can only advise within the major." Okay, yeah, well I am a fucking English major! YOU CAN FUCKING ADVISE ME BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING ENGLISH MAJOR!!! Fuck! This lady even called me Heather successively-- isn't she an English professor? Isn't she supposed to be able to READ AND COMPREHEND?!
I have been trying to see someone about changing my major from English to a science, but I still would like to discuss English since I am three years into my education. I have a lot of things I want to discuss SOON so I don't keep wasting my time and money immersed in a field I no longer am passionate about. Don't get me wrong-- I love English, I really do, but my path is winding away from it now and I know it. I am going back to my roots. I want to study plants and animals, not words in books. Everything in highschool that I wanted to be-- a biologist, an engineer, an architect-- they were all things based on science and math, two subjects that I was not so good at. But still, I wanted to be those things more than I ever wanted to be an English teacher. I've been convincing myself into something that was a "safe zone", something that I have always been good at. But it's not my passion anymore. Maybe if I were still a Creative Writing student, things would be different. English is not for me.
And I can't find one person who is willing to go that extra mile to help me figure it out. Where is the humanity in this school? What is America breeding? Why is there so much competition and contempt between people? Why can't everybody just be good to eachother?
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
AJ: Two roads diverge into.... too many~
I've confirmed what I've been throwing around for the past year or so. I've mentioned it on and off in conversations. I apologize now, because I feel like I've just been talking about it in circles, but never coming up with a decision. I still don't have a decision. But maybe if I just talk more, eventually, my brain will settle on my solution.
My predicament is that I have asked my counselor. With 8 more units and the hope that I pass all my classes this semester. I can officially graduate with the class of 2012 Spring Semester. I CAN. But should I? There are so many options, pros and cons, that I can''t decide yet. I know that I have to make the ultimate decision. But, it doesn't hurt to get a clearer view and opinion to steer me in a better direction. So, I turn to you.
Graduating early Pros:
I can graduate EARLY! It's pretty exciting and cool, no more midterms!
I can save on tuition~ stupid changes have lost me Calgrant, Pell Grant and loans. This semester has been hard on me and my parents already.
I can always stay in Berkeley and audit classes for fun and for free. Why must I always have to pay for an education? I'm paying just for the class to be in a transcript.
I have more time and less stress to plan for my future.
Cons: I don't know what to do after I graduate~ what do I do?
(MCATS, GRAD SCHOOL?, JOB? Too little time to decide)
I want to stay in Berkeley which means to find a job after graduation, how hard is that?
I could get more time by staying in school and raise my GPA and a better chance for Grad school or med school.
I'll probably have to start paying off those loans from tuition after graduation.
And then, ultimately the decision has to be ~ what do I want to do after graduation? I have so much info gathering to do, and grades to keep up.
1. Am I good enough for grad school now, or do I have to keep working?
2. What kind of grad programs are there that I might find fulfilling?
3. I think I know what I might want to do, what is the route of actually getting there?
4. Can I find a job to sustain me on the way to fulfilling that route?
So many things on my mind. I should actually be focusing on the immediate, that is, my upcoming midterm on Physics.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that the safety of going through the motions of grade school, high school, college, the preset course work, they're all disappearing and leaving me with something very unknown. Am I strong enough to deviate from the safety of it all yet?
My predicament is that I have asked my counselor. With 8 more units and the hope that I pass all my classes this semester. I can officially graduate with the class of 2012 Spring Semester. I CAN. But should I? There are so many options, pros and cons, that I can''t decide yet. I know that I have to make the ultimate decision. But, it doesn't hurt to get a clearer view and opinion to steer me in a better direction. So, I turn to you.
Graduating early Pros:
I can graduate EARLY! It's pretty exciting and cool, no more midterms!
I can save on tuition~ stupid changes have lost me Calgrant, Pell Grant and loans. This semester has been hard on me and my parents already.
I can always stay in Berkeley and audit classes for fun and for free. Why must I always have to pay for an education? I'm paying just for the class to be in a transcript.
I have more time and less stress to plan for my future.
Cons: I don't know what to do after I graduate~ what do I do?
(MCATS, GRAD SCHOOL?, JOB? Too little time to decide)
I want to stay in Berkeley which means to find a job after graduation, how hard is that?
I could get more time by staying in school and raise my GPA and a better chance for Grad school or med school.
I'll probably have to start paying off those loans from tuition after graduation.
And then, ultimately the decision has to be ~ what do I want to do after graduation? I have so much info gathering to do, and grades to keep up.
1. Am I good enough for grad school now, or do I have to keep working?
2. What kind of grad programs are there that I might find fulfilling?
3. I think I know what I might want to do, what is the route of actually getting there?
4. Can I find a job to sustain me on the way to fulfilling that route?
So many things on my mind. I should actually be focusing on the immediate, that is, my upcoming midterm on Physics.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that the safety of going through the motions of grade school, high school, college, the preset course work, they're all disappearing and leaving me with something very unknown. Am I strong enough to deviate from the safety of it all yet?
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Heaven: Should I Marry Kokuum?
I have decided that, in a past life, I was an Indian Princess. After much deliberation and discussion, introspection, dreaming, pondering, whatwillyou, it must be true. Yep. I'm an Indian Princess, guys.
I guess that doesn't mean much except for that I am a fucking badass.
I guess that doesn't mean much except for that I am a fucking badass.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Anna: My Rut and Why Its Turning Me Into a Basketcase
I just need to say this. I'm terrified I will never go anywhere with life.
When I say that, I don't mean "I don't think I'll be successful" or "I won't be recognized for achievements." I mean I'm scared I won't accomplish any of my goals or make a difference in the world. I'm getting cynical about humanity and about how much I can actually change the world before I've even tried! It just seems like such an impossible task. People slaughtering each other as if its second nature, people starving and dying from disease and genocide and whatnot. These are the issues I'm passionate about. They are what motivate me to get up in the goddamn morning. But it just seems so impossible. Forget the fact that I'm just some nobody from America....how can I possibly tackle such issues as these and actually make a dent in life?
I mean, these aren't just community neighbor squabbles. People are fucking dying. They live in unthinkable poverty, they often don't have access to education or medicine, they often live under harsh dictatorships. Jesus Christ. The list goes on and on, and I just feel like I can't do anything about it. As much as I want all this suffering to just stop, I feel like I'm an ant trying to move a mountain, one grain of sand at a time. And I've still got two fucking years of school left. I'm not supposed to feel this helpless and cynical yet. Not before I've even gone out on the field.
Lets face it, I'm panicking. I have always been able to feel myself moving toward something. Toward my black belt in Taekwando, toward high school graduation and college, toward AP exams, etc. I've always been working for something. But now, I'm just stagnate. Its the first time in my life that I've looked into my future and seen a huge void of nothingness and it scares the hell out of me. I have no plan. I have no strategy of how my life is going to work after I graduate. Where will I go, what will I do, who will I work for, and will my work actually benefit someone? Or will I just be another well-meaning soul who was absorbed into the system and turned into a 9-5 robot?
I can't see myself "going places" and "doing things" because I don't even know where to start. Sure, I'll get my degree and then what? Hope that I can somehow pay for graduate school? Political science isn't a field in which I can plan to be "teacher" or "doctor" or "engineer." I feel like I have to create something out of nothing, and I'm not good at doing that. I'm not an artist. I work with what's given to me, which is why schedules and lists and plans keep me sane.
I'm passionate about what I'm studying. I can't help it. But what good is passion if I don't do anything with it? If all my potential and ambition just withers away while I get distracted by trying to keep myself alive and off the streets? I wouldn't be able to stand that.
God, I'm going crazy.
When I say that, I don't mean "I don't think I'll be successful" or "I won't be recognized for achievements." I mean I'm scared I won't accomplish any of my goals or make a difference in the world. I'm getting cynical about humanity and about how much I can actually change the world before I've even tried! It just seems like such an impossible task. People slaughtering each other as if its second nature, people starving and dying from disease and genocide and whatnot. These are the issues I'm passionate about. They are what motivate me to get up in the goddamn morning. But it just seems so impossible. Forget the fact that I'm just some nobody from America....how can I possibly tackle such issues as these and actually make a dent in life?
I mean, these aren't just community neighbor squabbles. People are fucking dying. They live in unthinkable poverty, they often don't have access to education or medicine, they often live under harsh dictatorships. Jesus Christ. The list goes on and on, and I just feel like I can't do anything about it. As much as I want all this suffering to just stop, I feel like I'm an ant trying to move a mountain, one grain of sand at a time. And I've still got two fucking years of school left. I'm not supposed to feel this helpless and cynical yet. Not before I've even gone out on the field.
Lets face it, I'm panicking. I have always been able to feel myself moving toward something. Toward my black belt in Taekwando, toward high school graduation and college, toward AP exams, etc. I've always been working for something. But now, I'm just stagnate. Its the first time in my life that I've looked into my future and seen a huge void of nothingness and it scares the hell out of me. I have no plan. I have no strategy of how my life is going to work after I graduate. Where will I go, what will I do, who will I work for, and will my work actually benefit someone? Or will I just be another well-meaning soul who was absorbed into the system and turned into a 9-5 robot?
I can't see myself "going places" and "doing things" because I don't even know where to start. Sure, I'll get my degree and then what? Hope that I can somehow pay for graduate school? Political science isn't a field in which I can plan to be "teacher" or "doctor" or "engineer." I feel like I have to create something out of nothing, and I'm not good at doing that. I'm not an artist. I work with what's given to me, which is why schedules and lists and plans keep me sane.
I'm passionate about what I'm studying. I can't help it. But what good is passion if I don't do anything with it? If all my potential and ambition just withers away while I get distracted by trying to keep myself alive and off the streets? I wouldn't be able to stand that.
God, I'm going crazy.
Zach: He's reading the syllabus AT us.
He is reading the syllabus AT us. not to us. AT us.
It is terrible. I want to punch life in the face. second semester of music history and he is reading the terribly written and horribly formatted syllabus at us.
Other things are going pretty well right now. I think I am going to be in the Wind Ensemble when I want to be in Orchestra, but hopefully by next semester I will be in Orchestra because I want to play Carmen and that is the Opera for next semester.
This is it for now though because I probably shouldn't be on my laptop in class, especially because I am one of 12 students. Bleh
It is terrible. I want to punch life in the face. second semester of music history and he is reading the terribly written and horribly formatted syllabus at us.
Other things are going pretty well right now. I think I am going to be in the Wind Ensemble when I want to be in Orchestra, but hopefully by next semester I will be in Orchestra because I want to play Carmen and that is the Opera for next semester.
This is it for now though because I probably shouldn't be on my laptop in class, especially because I am one of 12 students. Bleh
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Anna & Zach: Until Next Time
I just wanna say that you guys are fucking rad. I had an awesome time reconnecting....and even though time was short, it was a good break from the monotony of a dreary summer. THANK YOU. You guys are, always were, and always will be, my best friends. Family. Fambly. Keep on keeping on this next year. Be awesome, be well, and stay beautiful.
Love.
The time was short, but awesome. Imma miss you guys when we leave tomorrow, and before, and after. And all the time. Until we see each other again. Keep on keepin on.
Love.
The time was short, but awesome. Imma miss you guys when we leave tomorrow, and before, and after. And all the time. Until we see each other again. Keep on keepin on.
Friday, August 5, 2011
H: These days
Hey guys, sorry I am always bitching about something recently. I'm VENTING.
I have moved. My house is fucking awesome, it's just like a dream.
My dad came home from tour, was nice to me for about 12 hours, then started a fight with me (which he denies starting) and drilled into my head about how mean I am "you are mean you are mean you are mean you are mean." For half an hour, these are the only words that came out of his mouth; I left, came home, and the next time I talked to him at 8 pm, he called me just to tell me how mean I am. Can you fucking believe that? It would be nice to be UPLIFTED by my father. It would be nice to have somebody to be able to lean on when I wasn't strong enough to stand by myself. I look at the past and I see how great my dad was. He was my hero. Now I do all I can to avoid him because everytime I see him it's yell yell yell mean mean mean bad person bad person bad person.
Everybody fucking loves me because I am a nice, considerate, generous person who would do ANYTHING for her friends, ANY of my friends. I'M FUCKING AWESOME. And I am not afraid to say it. Let my ego inflate, I need it. Yeah, I can be mean, but then again, so can even the nicest person. And I have NEVER been a BAD person. I can't say that I am a good person, but I do what I can.
Anyway, my house is awesome, did I mention that?
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU, ZACHERY AND ANNA!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Also, my car is fixed. And I made a quilt.
I have moved. My house is fucking awesome, it's just like a dream.
My dad came home from tour, was nice to me for about 12 hours, then started a fight with me (which he denies starting) and drilled into my head about how mean I am "you are mean you are mean you are mean you are mean." For half an hour, these are the only words that came out of his mouth; I left, came home, and the next time I talked to him at 8 pm, he called me just to tell me how mean I am. Can you fucking believe that? It would be nice to be UPLIFTED by my father. It would be nice to have somebody to be able to lean on when I wasn't strong enough to stand by myself. I look at the past and I see how great my dad was. He was my hero. Now I do all I can to avoid him because everytime I see him it's yell yell yell mean mean mean bad person bad person bad person.
Everybody fucking loves me because I am a nice, considerate, generous person who would do ANYTHING for her friends, ANY of my friends. I'M FUCKING AWESOME. And I am not afraid to say it. Let my ego inflate, I need it. Yeah, I can be mean, but then again, so can even the nicest person. And I have NEVER been a BAD person. I can't say that I am a good person, but I do what I can.
Anyway, my house is awesome, did I mention that?
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU, ZACHERY AND ANNA!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Also, my car is fixed. And I made a quilt.
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