Jess (AJ): Adventures to the North

It’s 5 am. I’m cuddling with yet another cat, Pistachio this time in Salem, Oregon. (Hi Zach, it’s getting harder to promise that I won’t steal him.)
Less than a month later, so much has changed. I have changed? I am happy to announce that despite all my worrying; I am officially a licensed Doctor of Physical Therapy! I have a job starting next week, which is nerve-wracking but exciting at the same time. I’m nervous about my capabilities and performance, but I have taken an oath to do my best upon graduation and I am committed to doing just that.
I took a moment to evaluate my life during the previous couple of weeks and decided that instead of moping about and waiting for all these things to happen, I was going to do something. In that, instead of being inside my thoughts, I really needed “TO DO”. So here’s my list from the last two weeks.
1. Dye hair - I have been wanting to dye my hair purple for years. Worried about school appearances, worried about job appearances, worried about parent’s opinions. But I received an “they have a policy but they don’t enforce it”, which is perfectly acceptable to me, so it’s done. Purple, blue, red streaks on the lower half of my hair. I am so excited every time I look down and see an explosion of color. It makes me happy.
2. Road trip- Ever since my pre-graduation road trip with my friend from PT school, I have been yearning to go again. I just wanted to get away. Away from the apartment, away from Ryan, away from thoughts, my worries, my anxieties. So here is my chance. Between all the checkups, background checks, medical clearances, I made time to fit in a 6 day road trip. Thank you to Zach for taking me in. Thank you for Henry for accompanying me and enhancing the experience.
3. Be spontaneous – This was true, to a certain degree. I was not about to overdraw accounts, hitch hike somewhere unknown, or quit my job and move to Seattle. Though some thoughts do sprout up from time to time. Having unplanned days with only the thought to get out of the house was freeing. I enjoyed a lot of naps in the park, watching people go about their lives in amazing ways. I started reading a book, finally, after years of peer reviewed articles. I connected with a person, with no plans/worries about what is to happen next, except to stay safe and stay friends. I made friends with two cats and had some small conversations with strangers. (Tiny steps.)
4. Reuniting with friends - I’m not finished with this task, but I hope to never. I am okay with this. Since my previous post, I really wanted to meet up with everyone and see how you’ve been. I was lucky enough to catch up with quite a few people since starting my “To do” list and I am so very grateful for it. I felt loved, encouraged, validated, empowered. I shared secrets, received some, discussed a lot about our lives. I’m not alone and I wish not to let anyone around me be either.
5. Be myself – Work in progress. I’ve recently questioned so much of myself. Am I really being and executing who I want to be? It felt like such a failure when it came to discussions with Ryan. But that is one person’s opinion. I have not been perfect, but I absolutely accept that and strive to be better at it. I have displayed my absolute honest opinion, and to be respected/respectfully challenged at it. I have been able to be my sarcastic self again and be understood for what it was, and nothing more. I showed concern, and was accepted instead of being told I was over reacting. I am wanted and useful, for some reason or another. Sometimes not quite how I intended. But it has been reassuring to know that I can just be myself.
6. Learn about myself - I was able to learn about other people’s lives and their perspectives and I wish to seek more to find where my opinions lie.
7. More to do: Move Out to a place so I can 1.Get a cat. 2. get a dog. Train a therapy dog. Learn ASL. Certified hippotherapy specialist. Learn Spanish. Resume violin. Continue Wushu/Taichi, Exercise. Photography, swing dance, pottery, gardening, weaving, cooking, gaming...ect.

I reread some of my old posts this morning and some of yours. I have changed a lot, but in some ways, I also surprised myself with how much I knew, but refused to change as well. I realized how much of me is influenced by you. For that, I thank you so much for shaping me, for teaching me, and sharing your lives with me.
So, this is nothing of poetry or literature, just a reminder to myself of one moment in time, of adventures, of thoughts, to get me back on my feet.