AJ: Change of Reality

I've always convinced myself that I was going to accept change, that I wasn't afraid of it, and that it was going to be alright. But now that I'm faced with the reality that everyone that I've known and have spent the time to get close to in the past 3 years could potentially disappear from my life in just a couple of weeks, I just realized that I couldn't bear it. I basically had a little breakdown. This little episode began with apartment hunting I suppose. Sue, probably my closest friend here at Berkeley, was the first to decide to sign up for RA duty. It meant free living, free food, a whole lot of responsibility, and most of all, she was moving out. The first sign of change. This also meant the rest of us were moving out. At first, this only meant a new apt, with what was left of our group- Me, Jen, and our cat, Tobi. Now, differences in living, since I can't support what fancy apartments that Jen's parents have in mind for her, I can't live up to those criteria as a mere college undergraduate student trying to support herself with meager wages and 23 units of class. Why can't they understand that? From that point on, the cracks deepened, propagated itself to proportions that I can't accept all at once. It means that I will have to live with other people, that my cat will be mine no longer. I may not be as close to Sue and Jennifer as I once was, or it might turn into the comfortable relationship that I have with all of you. I cannot know yet, and I fear it. And Ryan, whom I once had prepared myself would soon graduate and go on with his own life, is now adding to my fear of change. I've gotten unexpectedly comfortable and familiar with him, more so than I had ever anticipated. They're all moving out of my grasp so quickly, I don't know what will be left of me. I didn't believe it myself at first. I couldn't understand why I was so upset. It was Ryan who pointed it out to me and I suppose I accept his hypothesis. I guess I am the sort of person who doesn't like change. Now that I know it, I'm feel compelled to face it head on. It's a stubborn part of me that doesn't want to conform to the accusation of "one of those people". From here, all the changes that I was looking forward or have accepted as fact- graduation, applying to graduate schools, living without midterms and finding a job- they've all taken a turn to scary. I guess I need some more time. Time that I don't really have on hand.

Anna: I need another fix

I only have a quick update, just a couple things I want to express. I really miss you all, and this calendar year I feel like I've been feeling your absence more acutely than ever. I can't really pinpoint why, but I know I just really, really miss our dynamic, how we can just pick up where we left off, overcome disagreements and arguments like champions, and generally just bounce off each other in the most amazing way.

I've been going to therapy, and its been helping me map out my issues. I can kind of see myself starting to untangle the gigantic mess of tangled threads that make up me. I can find reasons for why I do what I do and why I think what I think. Refreshing is an understatement.

A friend of mine is getting married in September, in Germany. Oh the possibilities. But finances are so...impossible right now. New things keep popping up left and right. But that's life, I guess.

I also am not sleeping as much anymore. Its not stress-related, or homework related. Its a matter of just....not sleeping as much. Either I'm not tired, or I AM tired but I still don't sleep. I don't know. And I've been getting up earlier. Some nights, I sort of just doze in an out, then get ready to start my day at 8 a.m. Its weird. I'm trying to fashion a healthier sleep schedule, but my body doesn't seem to want to.

And that's my life. I found a whole bunch of old CDs earlier tonight and have been importing them into iTunes. Memories. I wish I could say when I next think I'll see you again, but my entire life seems to be up in the air at the moment. So I honestly don't know. But hopefully it will be soon, because I really am overdue to have my second-family fix. :)

Love.