Zach: Airport Hopping

Hey there,

So I am sitting in SEATAC right now waiting for my flight back down past PDX and Salem to California. Fun times. The internet here sucks.

So life has been bad and good, as life does, and I guess it is my turn to update errybody on my life n' stuffs.

So, one more semester to go. At the end of this semester it was just about passing classes, I didn't really care about what grade I got, as long as I passed. I think I have accomplished this. We'll see in about a weeks time.

Next semester will hopefully be the easiest semester yet, but because I kind of didn't care at the end of this semester, things might be a little bit harder than they have to be next semester.

In personal related stuff. I signed up for online dating. Don't judge me. :P I started talking to someone about two weeks ago and went on a date with him on Thursday. We have been talking a lot, prolly a few hours every day, and I have good feelings about this. I want to take it slow though, just in case. Awkward thing though, his name is Zach. Which I don't care about, but I feel that it is awkward to introduce him to other people because we have the same name, but talking to him and spending time with him is nice.

I got a new camera, which Jessica already knows, and I Yvette, but yeah. I am excited about it. I get to have a lot of fun messing with new camera settings and features and learning more about filming stuffffffffff. I am excited.

But anyway, life is looking up I think. I am excited about only having one more semester of school. I am happy about my personal relationships, just starting and otherwise. I am looking forward to seeing people back in Turlock and then coming back up for Anna's birthday!

I miss you all,

Zach

Anna: Love

So I've been really enjoying this relaxing weekend, telling myself I should do homework but instead cuddling up in my aunt's huge armchair and watching another musical. Not getting online until 8 p.m. or so. Eating food. Making food. Sleeping. Even with the beginnings of a sore throat, this has been wonderful. I am happy.

I hope you all had as a relaxing Thanksgiving weekend as I am!! Love you all.

Edit: Nevermind, I'm definitely sick and it sucks. At least it was nice while it lasted??

Heaven: FUCK YEAH I'M FINALLY IN!!!

Hey guys, I made it! My computer has been redirecting me to my school email everytime I try to log in, so this is a momentous occasion for me! I finally get to post!

Anyway, all I really wanted to post was a poem I wrote-- it's the first poem I've written in over a year, believe it or not! This depression has had me in a funk, but the poem will say everything I've been needing to say for a long time.

You guys are awesome, and thinking about you gave me the hope to persevere.

The Long Winter
January 2011- October 2012

I look back
On those metaphors
And similes
I had when
I was a kid—
Sinking ships
Train wrecks
Old India Ink
Pumping through
My bloodstream.

Peter,
when did I
grow old?

When did I
lay down
my pen?

How long have I
Been grieving,
Wandering
This labyrinth?

Divorce
Abuse
Depression
Death
Drug addiction
Blame blame blame
Fire
Fight
Fright

Dad, I know—
I understand now
But then
I was just so afraid
You would die;
That I’d come in
To shake you awake
And find you stiff
Instead of pale
And shivering.

And then there were
The fights;
The slamming doors.
“Why don’t you just go
Take some fucking pills!”
I scream
After Dad tells me
I am
Heartless
Cold
And mean.

I feel blank.
I am alone.
I am stupid
Fat
Ugly

The Great Paradox:
Am I living
Or dying
In this mortal body?
I convinced myself
Death
Was the next
Big adventure,
Until my heart
Went supernova.

It stopped beating;
I stopped breathing.
Sipping into silence…

All is calm

Before the storm.

The firetrucks.
The ambulance.
The smoke.

Anxiety attacks.
Sitting in the
Hospital parking lot
Until I stop
Shaking.
Sleep, sleep.

I watch Grandpa
Grow grayer and grayer,
Thinner and thinner.
I plea him to go
To the doctor.
He is too worried
About Dad.
About me, too.

Every day
I cry
Until my boyfriend
Pulls the pillows
Over his head,
To drown
The sound of
Me
Drowning.

I try to save Christmas
Now that Dad, Grandpa,
And the dog
Live in a hotel room.
I dress up as
The Christmas Faerie.
Me and Dad fight—
“Shut up,” he rumbles,
When I tell him
He is not welcome
To do drugs
In my home.

Even so,
He’s giving us all
The best gift—
He agreed to go
To Rehab.

Finally

Relief

Life
Can
Slow
Down

But
Then

The Big “C” strikes—
Who knew that
Time
Could stop
After the blur
Of years
Blind.

Now

We drive Grandpa
To chemotherapy,
Feed him everything
The doctor recommends.
I get him a lap dog
Since he can’t
Get out too much
Anymore.
She’s in love with him.

For once, the whole family
Is together—aunts, uncles,
Cousins, brothers, sisters,
Nieces, nephews—
We throw a birthday party;
We host a dinner;
Play cards;
Watch TV;
Sit and Talk, mostly—
Remember
Laugh
Cry.

We get a record player
And listen to
Glenn Miller, Loretta Lynn,
And old Broadway vinyl.

I write a song.
I read a book.
I sew a quilt.
I knit a toy.
I walk my dog.
I drink whiskey.
I make friends.
I dance.

We light a bonfire
At the cabin
And I throw my shoes in
And laugh.

I smoke more pot than ever.

And I’m in love,
With Sonny Malcom,
And the trees,
And life.

Dad’s getting married.
Grandpa’s staying strong.

And I’m finally writing again.

Anna: Postscript...

In other news, I am basically questioning my whole life and the direction I'm going and what the fuck I want to do until I die. So I decided if by the the time I graduate I don't have a plan/something lined up, I will take whatever money I have saved and fucking run away somewhere where I don't know anyone and no one knows me and I will start over.

Anna: Too tired to think of a title

So I am taking Jewish/Israeli Literature as my last Cluster course (University Studies...don't ask), and my professor reminds me an AWFUL lot of Mr. Huth.

Seriously. He waxed poetic for a while about the scope of the class, giving us some key terms and literary references (similar to how Huth did) and he asked a student to act out a scene with him to drive home his point about the literary use of the shtetl as an allegory (again, don't ask). The whole time I was thinking...wow. This takes me back.

I don't think he'll be quite as awesome as Huth, but you never know. I just wanted to share this very important fact with you all.

In other news, I am tired as hell for some reason. Its only 7:30 and I'm ready for bed. Unbelievable. There's also this gnawing anxious feeling in my chest that I'm forgetting something really damn important but for the life of me I cannot figure out what it is.

Love.

AJ- Everything is Well and Content

Looks like we've made it through all of July without a single post. I thought I would insert my input on this summer before the fall semester begins. I have nothing to complain; life seems to be going well.
First, I have just survived two summer classes, anatomy and economy. I think I've survived the class, however I prefer not to think about grades at the moment. I have gotten addicted to League of Legends this summer, courtesy of Ryan. Meanwhile, Ryan has gone to China and come back over the course of two months. He has been visiting me every weekend so far, which I am very happy about and grateful for. I am unsure of how long he can actually keep up this commute and what will happen when we enter into a semi- long distance relationship. For that part, I shall have to wait and see. I try not to plan too much about that.
I'm attempting to get back into wushu. I have been a bit klutzy so far, but it's working out well. I have new roommates this year, and a new apartment, at a new location. At first I was quite scared at what would happen to my relationship with Sue and Jennifer, and that my relationship with them would dwindle and die. It hasn't happened yet, and if I can help it, I won't let it happen. There will be changes, but I'm no longer scared that we will not be friends. I hope we will be able to stay as close as we used to be though. If it turns out to be half the relationship that I have with you guys, I think it will be alright. My new roommates, Gail and Chloe are a junior and sophomore respectively. They're younger and fresher, yet we get along well. It has only been a mere two months but the next 10 months here looks very feasible.
Summer seems to finally be starting up for me. I have a week an a half to finally work on lab, go places, and play LoL without the worries of midterms and finals. Looking back though, the summer wasn't all that hectic. I still had time to make macarons, cookies, muffins, and dinners. I got "kidnapped" to ice-cream and karaoke. I made a new friend through LoL- Eric- whom Zach knows quite well now since he also plays with me. Eric keeps me company by messages at work or just randomly showing up for a chat. He is an interesting individual. I haven't quite figured out how he wormed himself into my and my friends lives so easily. Everyone seems to love his company and I find myself drawn to observing him.
Eric and Lexi visited just this Sunday. I haven't gotten much time to catch up with them in the past and in one afternoon, I learned so much about them and from them. I feel like I've missed out so much by being such a recluse in the past. I am still working on this socializing and initiating conversation deal, but hanging out with them made me realize how much I've changed in these three years. I still have Zach's two trips up to SF and Berkeley to look forward to,Les Miz to attend, and Irene may be heading up at some point. I have a feeling that this will be a great end to the summer and I plan to enjoy every last moment.

Anna: Reminiscing last weekend

A bit late, but hey. Last weekend was.....spectacular. There's a word I haven't used in a while. And although Zach still needs to upload video (ahem!!), I hope the Facebook pictures and this post and the random phone calls also made people happy. I'm not going to rant too much about the state of my mind during finals time, but suffice it to say I was not at any high point. But Heaven's arrival soon reversed all that. I can't stress enough how wonderful it was to just pick up where we left off, and also show her around my stomping grounds a bit. After the crazy year we both had, I think it was beyond necessary. Its nice that the weather decided to cooperate as well, for the most part at least.

That first night (last Thursday) was basically us hanging out and enjoying each other's presence again. We drank, we colored. I had turned in my last final that evening and was finally free from everything known as school. We planned epic plans for the rest of the weekend.

The following morning, we got coffee with my friend Angie (who was the ONLY one of my friends in town/not busy with graduating, and only for that one morning)and soaked up the rare phenomenon called sun, which only really happens once or twice throughout the late autumn/winter/early spring so all of us Portlanders naturally forget about it. Zach drove up and met us shortly after, and we went on a food cart adventure (side note: the food carts here are AMAZING. Like...woah. I wish we'd had time/money to visit more of them because good Lord. There is a reason we have an annual food cart festival under the Morrison Bridge, that's all I'm saying). Immediately after that there was the obligatory Powell's adventure, in all of its four-story bookstore glory. I am so unbelievably proud of myself that I managed to resist buying the five or six books I wanted to. We then wandered around the Pearl District for a bit, and ducked into a curiosity shop full of imported knick knacks from Asia. Then up up up we walked to NW 23rd Avenue, a neat little neighborhood (street, rather) of restaurants and boutiques and shops. We stopped at a tea house and had delicious bubble tea (which is documented on Facebook), and I found an amazing Himalayan arts and wares store that I sort of lost myself in for about 15 or 20 minutes. Back to my apartment we went, then off to Salem for the night.

Fun ensued. Drinks ensued. I embarrassed myself thoroughly and we all watched different lengths of Princess Mononoke. The next morning was us dealing with hangovers and making waffles (well, Zach making waffles and me pointedly not listening to him and washing his dishes). Heaven got a quick tour of the beautiful Willamette Campus, and we frolicked in its rose garden for a minute. Then off to the Columbia River Gorge....until Zach remembered he had forgotten his wallet. So we headed back to Salem and decided, "hell, let's stop at a Jack 'N the Box, because we are all suddenly craving fast food." A heart-attack meal, Heaven-driving-in-place-of-a-sleepy-Zach, and car shenanigans later, we arrived at the Gorge in the late afternoon (again, documented). Zach stalked Koreans, we were all three stalked by three gay men, and we decided to walk a trail to a waterfall then deviate from said trail and climb up a slope to the main highway. Only to have to climb back down to the waterfall a few minutes later. :P Thoroughly exhausted, we went back to my apartment and stayed there for the rest of the evening.

Sunday was the day of the zoo and the humid humid weather (although I hear that its worse in upstate NY. Ick). We spent a good hour and a half (maybe even almost two hours) at the Oregon Zoo, which was both interesting and slightly depressing at points. The treatment of the elephants and the monkeys upset me. But we survived it reasonably well, and went back downtown to grab lunch at Little Big Burger and see the participants of that morning's Pride Parade strut around. Then Quelf games and banana muffin baking at my apartment ensued. Zach departed for Salem, and Heaven and I went for a short walk down to the waterfront (which, honestly, is one of my favorite places in Portland. Its beautiful.) We talked life, then headed back to downtown to talk more life over late night milkshakes (which were delicious). That quickly turned into a good old-fashioned movie night that our group of friends is so good at doing.

Monday was synonymous with awesome. Heaven and I ventured across the river to Hawthorne St, another street/neighborhood in Portland and by far the one that her and I were most impressed with. I showed her Paleo's Dessert house, my favorite coffee-place in the city, and the circular rose gardens in the middle of Ladd's Addition. We walked up Hawthorne more and explored the shops there (there was an AWESOME toy store that is now my go-to place anytime I need to get something for my nieces). We had lunch at the Cup and Saucer cafe, which possibly has the most amazing food ever, then walked through adorable neighborhoods to Belmont St. From Belmont (I kid you not) we walked from SE 39th all the way to the river (almost 40 streets), across the Morrison Bridge (which was terrifying and I'm never fucking doing it again) then up to the MAX stop at Pioneer Courthouse. 50 blocks or so, give or take. We were exhausted and wanted bubble tea. We found a place with super comfortable chairs and camped out there for a while, with our bubble tea, refusing to move. That night was another quiet one, with a quick trip to Powell's again for hot chocolate and another movie (Shakespeare in Love, which was rather ridiculous but also entertaining).

Tuesday we got ready for Heaven to leave in the afternoon. It was a rather calm day in which neither of us really wanted to spend more money, and I eventually saw her off at 2:30 at the train station.

That was almost literally a play by play. Again: Zach = video. Pester him for it if you would like to see it in existence. The weekend was honestly the best thing to happen to me in a while, and it was the PERFECT transition from a trainwreck of a year to a hopefully smoother summer (jury's still out, but my fingers are crossed!) I only wish it could have been a reunion proper, with all of us, but I'm happy for what I got. I love you all, and thank you so much Heaven for coming up. And also for the encouraging messages you left me. They are displayed on my fridge as reminders. :)

Love. <3

Zach: Grabble Grabble Grah!

Hurrah! I passed my Mallet Proficiency!

It means I am one step closer to graduating. To get my music ed degree I need to pass four different proficiencies and I am woefully behind. Usually at this point people are done, or only have on left, and I have only done one, and I barely passed. I have so much farther to go, but it does feel nice to have passed this one. I am hoping that over the summer I can prepare for another and play it right when we start school again so that I will be halfway done and only have to do 2 during the school year, instead of the remaining three.

In other news: One of my favorite vloggers replied to one of my tweets today, which was really exciting, even though it is kind of insignificant.

I have 4 jobs for this summer, maybe 5, so that's something.

I should be back in Cali in August, probably mid August, and I will be bringing people. Minimum one Japanese student (not Andrew) and Maximum 3 me thinks(Kirsten, Dillon, and Ryousuke). It should be a fun summer, what with all of the work, and none of the school, and all of the fun times. GRAH. Must also practice this summer. Summer isn't going to be a break, but that doesn't mean that it won't be fun.

So Yeah! I was just excited about passing, even if it was just barely, and I felt like I needed to tell someone, and you guys were it.

Also I have been listening to Dirty Hister No Nose by The Week(which is meekakitty and nanalew and some other people I don't know from the internet). I love the internet. See you guys on it later.

AJ: Change of Reality

I've always convinced myself that I was going to accept change, that I wasn't afraid of it, and that it was going to be alright. But now that I'm faced with the reality that everyone that I've known and have spent the time to get close to in the past 3 years could potentially disappear from my life in just a couple of weeks, I just realized that I couldn't bear it. I basically had a little breakdown. This little episode began with apartment hunting I suppose. Sue, probably my closest friend here at Berkeley, was the first to decide to sign up for RA duty. It meant free living, free food, a whole lot of responsibility, and most of all, she was moving out. The first sign of change. This also meant the rest of us were moving out. At first, this only meant a new apt, with what was left of our group- Me, Jen, and our cat, Tobi. Now, differences in living, since I can't support what fancy apartments that Jen's parents have in mind for her, I can't live up to those criteria as a mere college undergraduate student trying to support herself with meager wages and 23 units of class. Why can't they understand that? From that point on, the cracks deepened, propagated itself to proportions that I can't accept all at once. It means that I will have to live with other people, that my cat will be mine no longer. I may not be as close to Sue and Jennifer as I once was, or it might turn into the comfortable relationship that I have with all of you. I cannot know yet, and I fear it. And Ryan, whom I once had prepared myself would soon graduate and go on with his own life, is now adding to my fear of change. I've gotten unexpectedly comfortable and familiar with him, more so than I had ever anticipated. They're all moving out of my grasp so quickly, I don't know what will be left of me. I didn't believe it myself at first. I couldn't understand why I was so upset. It was Ryan who pointed it out to me and I suppose I accept his hypothesis. I guess I am the sort of person who doesn't like change. Now that I know it, I'm feel compelled to face it head on. It's a stubborn part of me that doesn't want to conform to the accusation of "one of those people". From here, all the changes that I was looking forward or have accepted as fact- graduation, applying to graduate schools, living without midterms and finding a job- they've all taken a turn to scary. I guess I need some more time. Time that I don't really have on hand.

Anna: I need another fix

I only have a quick update, just a couple things I want to express. I really miss you all, and this calendar year I feel like I've been feeling your absence more acutely than ever. I can't really pinpoint why, but I know I just really, really miss our dynamic, how we can just pick up where we left off, overcome disagreements and arguments like champions, and generally just bounce off each other in the most amazing way.

I've been going to therapy, and its been helping me map out my issues. I can kind of see myself starting to untangle the gigantic mess of tangled threads that make up me. I can find reasons for why I do what I do and why I think what I think. Refreshing is an understatement.

A friend of mine is getting married in September, in Germany. Oh the possibilities. But finances are so...impossible right now. New things keep popping up left and right. But that's life, I guess.

I also am not sleeping as much anymore. Its not stress-related, or homework related. Its a matter of just....not sleeping as much. Either I'm not tired, or I AM tired but I still don't sleep. I don't know. And I've been getting up earlier. Some nights, I sort of just doze in an out, then get ready to start my day at 8 a.m. Its weird. I'm trying to fashion a healthier sleep schedule, but my body doesn't seem to want to.

And that's my life. I found a whole bunch of old CDs earlier tonight and have been importing them into iTunes. Memories. I wish I could say when I next think I'll see you again, but my entire life seems to be up in the air at the moment. So I honestly don't know. But hopefully it will be soon, because I really am overdue to have my second-family fix. :)

Love.

:D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZACHERY!!!

We love you! <3 <3

Heaven: Poop Everywhere

I was just to write a huge blog to you guys about poop, but I think that I will just say,

THE SHITTETH HAST HITTETH THE FAN...ETH.

That's a metaphor by the way. I went to the doctor and you should have heard the gurgle in my stomach. The doctor even pushed on it twice for an extra gurgle to make me laugh. What a nice doctor.

Also, I miss you all. I've been holed up for the past year, ignoring everyone and my Self too, but I'm like one of those crabbies that's outgrown it's shell, now it's time to find a new, bigger, more spacious dwelling. Expect some phone calls because I miss all your voices and if it hasn't been obvious, I'm not the best about skype/facebook chat/google+. Sorry for being such a poopy friend, friends. You're all my #1.

I have a problem about putting everyone else before me when I'm really just craving for someone to give me attention without having first get their attention, "All eyes on me, everyone!" I've been dying for someone to say, "How you doing, Hervie?" but it wasn't until I let out a cry for help that I realized that I've had my family and friends just as much as they've had me. Anyway, I've been spreading myself really thin with all this family stuff going on. For the first time in years, I feel like I can rely on my dad. I've been having stomach problems for the past few days and my dad filled me up with water, tea, prune juice, and senna tabs so that I can fill the toilet full of all the shit brewing in my belly. My grandpa got diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer while my dad was in rehab, he's starting chemo on Monday. They finally moved back into the house, but now the boxed contents of the house have to be unpacked, reorganized (since the garage had to be reconverted back into a garage, we have one less bedroom), and I am officially no longer a resident of Hedstrom Road because my dad moved into my room. Weird, huh. Anyway, I'm focusing on myself for once and it's pretty crazy because I've been so lost and it's like I finally found the string I lost, and I'm following it out of this labyrinth. Hell yeah, go Hervie.

Anyway, all of that aside,

I love you ladies and fellas. I couldn't ask for a better family. Sorry for being a distant cousin for so long, but I'm ready to be a sister again.

By the way, when I bought my post secret tickets, they got delivered to "Sister Heaven." :)

Zach: Fevruary

Of Fevruary:

fevruary has been.... good? I have been teaching. Which has been fun I guess. Some of my students think that they are too cool for some of the stuff we do, but otherwise they have been good, and class has been fun. I have an assistant teacher this time, she mostly just listens to what the kids are creating and encourages them. I do most of the instructionary stuff and practically all of the lesson planning. I also listen tot he student's works and help them.

Valentines day came and went. But I refused to call it that. It was AoE and pizza day. I spent the day playing Age of Empires with Andrew and we had pizza for dinner. Then the night was spent with Andrew in the library, I didn't do any homework if memory serves correctly, because I don't really do homework. Although I am fairly sure I almost cried later that night when I went back to my apartment. I had been working on a video project and I saw a video that had our glasses sitting on the table that is next to my bed. I really wanted that. I'm not over him, and I don't I will be any time soon. Especially because I can't bring myself to not spend time with him. I am with him right now, and probably will be until two in the morning. I feel like he is the only one that I can really spend time with at this point in my life, because he is the only one that I can really talk to, even about him. We do talk about our relationship sometimes, even though he gets really nervous about it when it happens, and it is hard for him to look me in the eye. He feels guilty about breaking up with me, even though he shouldn't be. But things are what they are. I can't really change what the situation is right now, even though I want to most of the time.

And that was my fevruary so far. Tomorrow is Friday and I am excited for sleeping in. That will be a nice thing for me, even though I have been kinda doing that recently. I skipped ballet today and last thursday too, although this one was a complete accident. I had every intention of going. I don't remember turning off my alarm at all. Usually I can remember waking up and just saying to myself "No." and going back to sleep, but today, nothing. I woke up at 8:40 and I was already more than 10 minutes late so it was an absence. And then I fell back asleep and woke up at 9:45, 5 minutes late for my next class. I got there by 9:50 and everything was fine.

Rawr. all of the things. Weekend is soon. adosufh'oauwhrgn;bdnsufh';loGQUWBEF.KGHA;LIUGB;kughlisufbgaklsjbgpaiusdbf;KJFDHiugblaibgliubfgkajsbdf;iusdgbfaksjdbfgilasygvaisdvbbj;bouasfbiuasdlbhjsad.

Bye.

AJ: Dear Anna

Hi Anna,
I started writing a comment to your blog, but I realized that I had so many things to say, that it would be very awkward and long in a comment. I just opted to write a whole new entry. I have a disclaimer to make. I really would like to say things that would comfort you and hopefully ease your feeling of anxiety. But in reality, I'm no psychologist, and as hopeful as I am, I don't know if I'm really good at doing that.

I've been talking to my roommate Sue often lately. As a aspiring doctor and medical student, she seems to have similar stresses. "I'm tired of life", "I don't know if I can make it." "What am I doing with my life?" And I have tried consoling her. But I really can't help.

You're right. The idea that you need to struggle to accomplish something in life is bogus to look right in the face at the moment. It's only an idea that you realize when you look back. Altogether, I don't think it's helping the case right at THIS MOMENT. Are there other things that may actually help?

Stop thinking about the future and what might happen. What do you have to do? Right now? I like the idea of college in that, there are some set schedules and classes, work that you are required to do. You can drop everything else in your life and just focus on just that. Don't focus on the grades - focus on the information that you want to learn in order to do what you want to do. Focus on what you want to get finished. Once that is settled, even sleep and lethargy won't stop you from finishing. All the extra books, dance,clubs might entice you but it's keeping you from your goal and maybe it just has to be put aside for awhile.
- Make a schedule with deadlines, get through it. Its harder than it sounds. I know, I procrastinate.
Is there anything that can alleviate your schedule? So I heard that Arabic isn't your most favorite topic. If you don't like it, and it's such a difficult language, I would imagine studying for it is difficult. Can you take it pass/no pass? Save it for the summer to retake or something like that? You might not think you have time, but from the experience of being in classes with a hoard of pre-meds. Class planning, the best way to take a class without hurting your GPA, the best classes and interests for your resume and such is the bulk of the premed road to success.
Lastly, just for your mental state- You are not failing at life. Just the fact that you have a goal, you mean to accomplish it has already put you on top of so many others. Failing your current goal (that ridiculous notion) doesn't mean that you've failed or are going to fail everything you mean to do. There are millions of ways to save the world, some are just not the most direct paths. They're there.
Besides, what you're going through right now is what others want to know happened. Know that if you can get through this, anything else that they put in front of you will be accomplished. Find your strategy.
Meanwhile, if you can handle the work, I have to say I kind of enjoy the busyness. I like having something that I'm passionate about and am willing to throw my life into. It really makes it feel like you've accomplished.
Most of all, you know that we're behind you and cheering you on 100%.
This is all I have to offer. I cannot help you, nor will comforting you help you get what you want. I don't even know if my advice is sound. It seems logical to me and I'm trying to work my way through it. It's still in a preliminary test in which I haven't even found a main focus yet. Sometimes I envy that you have such a set idea to work with, but that's another rant.

Jiayou Anna!
- Jessica

Anna: ................

So I figured it was time to write an actual update and not a quick airport-bitch post like the last one.

Life is stressful. As always. Except that this is the very first time that I've felt in actual danger of burning out/going off the deep end. I don't know if I'm going to pass Arabic. I am barely keeping this hanging on with regards to MUN. And the only reason my other two classes are functioning parts of my life is because I'm spending more time on them than on Arabic.

I don't even know how to say anything. I am having about a breakdown per day. I've called home (read, Utica) TWICE in four weeks to just cry. I literally feel like everything is spiraling out of control and that this term is it for me. Either I make it and somehow survive Spring until summer hits, or I crash so hard that I won't be able to pick myself up again. Its scary, because failure has never been an option for me. If I get anything lower than a B in any class, I might as well kiss law school goodbye. I need to figure out how to juggle school and an internship or two or three to even be considered by a university such as American or Georgetown or basically anywhere that has the kind of program I'm interested in. And I need to be careful to make sure that everything runs smoothly for MUN so as to not go down in history as the batshit crazy president that fucked everything up.

I'm just a mess. I've never been great at handling stress, but this is a whole new level of incapability. I have never felt more demotivated, helpless, or disgusted in myself in my entire college career. I know I fell into another depression cycle after I came back from New York, but I didn't think it'd get this bad. Where my life starts to spin in crazy circles and I either don't sleep or sleep too much and I can't think of anything without wanting to cry. I was depressed last winter too, and I was taking 16 credits (I'm only taking 12 now) and I pulled through great.

The thing is, I keep being lulled into a false sense of security by random mental health things, like an overnight trip to Seattle or a weekend in Salem or something. Both of those were great, but as soon as I got back everything crashed again. I just don't even know. I tend to plan out my life and schedule everything, and while I can usually handle unexpected events and changes in the plan, I don't know what to do with this. I don't know how to handle the feeling that my entire life is about to crash and burn.

I know I sound dramatic, but I literally don't have anything else except school. I'm lucky that I get so much financial aid to allow my mom and I to pay for school, but money is quickly running out. This is my only chance. School is the only thing I have ever really been good at. I have other hobbies, sure, but they're not honed enough for me to make any kind of living on. My whole life has been entirely academically oriented. Do well through junior high to get a scholarship for expensive Catholic high school. Do well throughout high school to get scholarships in college. Do well in college to even be considered for admittance to any type of graduate/law program. Or career opportunity. I don't need to be New-York-penthouse-jet-to-Europe-every-other-week rich, but I want to be successful. Successful in the sense that I am working toward something and that I have attained the goals I worked so hard to reach. In the sense that I am engaging life and learning everyday, not just going through the bare-minimum movements and pretending I'm happy. But the way everything is structured, my worth is based on marks on a paper. Grades, activities, performance at internships, etc. And if I can't upkeep that, then I am absolutely nothing in the eyes of anyone making any of the decisions.

I always hear "failure is an essential part of life. Its a learning experience." Absolute shit. Sometimes failure is inevitable, sure, and you could learn from it if you had the right outlook, but crap like that leads people to think that you don't have to try hard or basically work for anything because if you fail, well, its a healthy organic process of growth. No. No. No. No. I can't stress that enough. Failure is not accepted in the path I want to go into. Failure is a measurement indicator people use to decide who to throw aside and forget about. I can't afford to fail because then everything is over, because everyone is conditioned to look for perfect people who do everything perfectly and can perfectly fill the role of lawyer, grad student, whatever. The fact that I burned myself out/worked too hard too fast/tried to keep everything together but just couldn't at that point in time.....no one will care.

I'm freaking out, obviously, because I can't handle having worked hard all my life to fail now. Maybe it sounds like I'm overreacting, but this is the lowest I can remember being in quite a long time. I don't know what to do. Its not going away, its not getting better after having talked to people and after having taken some time off to think. Nothing is helping and I don't know what to do.

Except say "fuck it all" and buy a train ticket to Cali for Spring Break regardless of what my finances are. I can starve for a while, I don't care. I need to be around awesome people I love in a non-stressful situation.

AJ- "We Get By With a Little Help from Our Friends"

I haven't written much in a long time, but I have been following this blog very closely for whenever anyone updates. I must admit, I spend my free time rereading the entries. I enjoy seeing how much we've learned, how much we've grown, and enjoying how we've managed to stay close. Anna's video post inspired me to keep up the sporadic updates here.
Since winter break, I've spent half a week in Oregon with Zach and almost a whole day with Anna. I've been very pleased with myself, knowing that I finally kept my promise to get my butt to Oregon. (Even though, all the driving was done by Ryan and I owe him very very much.) I can see why Oregon is so dear to both of you. In addition to the tax-less shopping and the gas pumping oddity, traipsing around Oregon was, simply put, fun. Cooking, watching Firefly, exploring shops, and poking at Zach's nerves by cleaning his kitchen has really made my winter memorable.
Meanwhile, school is starting well. I'm quite excited about the classes I'm taking. There are 20 units involved and very heavily physiology and nutritional based. It's interesting to me though, which is all that matters.
I have my intermediate future planned as far as school goes. I need to get my game up with homework as usual. I'm stuck when it comes to what happens to me after school ends. The usual.
In randomness, Ryan asked me to be his girlfriend. It's a comfortable role. I don't know what will happen after he graduates and such, but it's something I'm going to let slide and play by ear. I'll enjoy it as it is.

I sometimes find myself feeling lost when I see my friends here getting frustrated, unhappy, and stressed and knowing that I have no way to help them. Just hearing news from you, whether happy or troubled is somehow comforting. I'm glad to have you, to have this.
I love you.

Heaven: 12 Steps to Happiness

It's been since October that I last wrote a blog to my friends. November came. There were countless times in November that I logged into our blog to write to you all, to write to myself, to write, even if only to let someone know that I was alive. But I didn't write in November. The days grew shorter and we turned the pages of our calender to December. Again, I wanted to write, I tried to find the words in my heart to say, but I found nothing. And so December passed and I still didn't write.

And now it's January, and it's a New Year. I puked on the couch on New Year's Eve and fell asleep before midnight, and no amount of shaking or yelling or gunfire could wake me. As the year passed from 2011 to 2012, I was drunk asleep, but I think that, really, I just did not exist. Drunk asleep, my heart beats steady, my lungs breathe steady, my body and my mind can rest. My little friend Rita says, "When you die, your mind can rest." So maybe, drunk asleep at the turn of 2012, the phoenix in my chest burst into flames. Maybe before the chick peeped out of the ashes of its former Self, my mind was at rest.

My friends, I feel as though I have been dead for quite some time. I've lost myself. I can remember the person that I was when I was at my best, and I am the opposite of that. I can remember the person that I was when I was at my best, and try to mimic the qualities that I admired so much in myself. The soft sun through the canopies of trees on a clean winter morning. The dewdrops kissing a spider's web. Lying on the ground and watching the blades of grass tremble in the hurricane from my lips, and knowing how big I was, but then turning over and seeing the sun above me and knowing how small I was too. Knowing that others could love because they had been shown love, and knowing that, because I had been shown love I could also love.

I am no longer the person that I was when I was my best, but, God damn, I want to be. I want to be as tall as the Redwood trees, but I've been timbered. I want to dance with the wind, but I hurt my knees running. I want to grow, I want to grow, I want to grow, but guess what? We're halfway through January and it still hasn't rained. This whole place is dead and I've been dying with it. It was much easier to write this than it was to write about the person I was when I was at my best. It was so much easier to write suffering and misery than it was to write nature and to write beautiful. My inkwells have run dry.

It has been so much easier to See the negative, and whoever's been developing these pictures has been forgetting to fix my positives. I watch them fade over time. I hide them at the bottom of dark drawers so that I might keep them hidden from the light. What good are they if I cannot recall them, if I must hide them away to better preserve them; while all these negatives surround my, perfectly clear.

I let Myself get lost in myself; I ventured into the labyrinth without my breadcrumbs. I have been lost for a long time, so long now that I have to force myself to smile, so long now that I must drink from a sea of tears just to stay hydrated, so long now that my inkwells have run dry and all the paper was burned for warmth.

But I don't want this anymore. I do not want to sail this sea of tears. I do not want to wear this cloak of sadness. I want to empty all of my father's pill bottles into the gutter and be done with them. I want to sever the tie between us and realize that some people are better off without their mothers and fathers. Some people are better without them. In psychology, when we had to stand before the class and tell everyone our biggest fears, I remember mine. I couldn't look anyone in the eye, and I'd been crying that morning, and I said, I don't want to be my parents. But, see here I am, miserable and sad and lost, just like my parents. I am lost without my parents, but I am Lost with them too. I want to cast them off. If am composed of their DNA, let that be it, and if I must be like them, let me be only the best parts of them. Let me be my mother's love for a good book and my father's musical muscles, let me be all the childhood camping trips and family art projects, let me be humbled by talent that surrounds me and the industry that raised me, let me as tough as helltown and as tightknit as them too. Let me be all the best in the people that raised me. Suck it up, my dad always used to tell me. Aaron Burtch, my dad, always told me to Suck it up. He's forgotten how to, but that doesn't mean that I have to. So, Heaven, suck it up. You're tough, so suck it up.

I want to be the best of all the people that raised me. I want to be Helltown, I want to be Oakdale, I want to be Grandaddy and Built Like Alaska, Off the Air Modesto. I want to be Troy and Robert, I want to be my Yaiyai and Papou. I want to be the best girlfriend for Sonny Malcom, because, the truth is, I see him, I want to share and create the best life possible with him. I want to be the best in all of you, my friends. Because without all of you, I would not be here. I would be someone else, somewhere else. But the Universe put me amongst you, and you are the best company that I could want. I look at all of you and I see the best. When I turn to myself, I only see the worst-- but if I am surrounded by the best, I should want to show that I belong with the best.

I want to be the best for myself. I want to imagine the best person I can and become that person.

That was my dream once. It is my dream again. To make myself into the best person I can be.

And so, I've started a personal 12 steps to happiness program. I'm developing the steps as I go, figuring out what I need to focus on in order to better Myself. These are my steps so far:

Step 1: Point out the positives. Stop focusing on all of the negatives and realize the beauty in life again. A shake-shingle wing, a smiling dog, a bird singing in the bush outside my bedroom window.

Step 2: Be physically healthy-- eat well, exercise daily, and dress nicely. I have never really been comfortable in my body, and God knows having the boyfriends I have had didn't help me with my self-esteem any either. But, you know what, I am the only one that has to live with my body forever, so whatever I can do to make myself physically happier is a must. I did hurt my knees running over a year and a half ago and they still haven't healed, but I've been running and hiking on them anyway. I'd rather live with the pain in my knees as long as long as I get to spend the rest of my life climbing mountains.

Step 3: Love yourself. Written on the same notecard, it says, "You are a good person. You are beautiful. You are loved." I have stopped believing all these things. To say them now makes my mouth taste dirty. They all seem like lies. All this negativity has poisoned my heart; there's a worm that lives inside that whispers all of these lies, and I believe him. But I know that he is lying. When I find myself within my chest, I know that he is lying. I am a good person. I am beautiful. And I am loved. I've poured so much love out of me in the past year and a half and have felt no love. What little love I do feel drowns as the oceans rise. I love, I love, I love so hard and so much, but I have forgotten how to feel loved. And so I give and I give and I give, and I am exhausted, but I feel as though I cannot take. I cannot take because I have been denied; what is not offered is not available for the taking. And so I closed the shutters and I didn't pay my electric bill, and I have been living in the dark. But God, I am dying for light and I'm dying to be loved. I'm dying for rain, I am so thirsty, I am dying to grow.

I know how to feel it now, I know what I need to do-- I need to let myself feel it. I need to realize that when Sonny says he loves me, that he loves ME, all of the best in me, he can see me. I'm cheating him when I don't let the best parts of me shine out. It's as simple as letting myself feel the love that he is offering me. I can love him and love him and love him, but until I can let myself feel the love that he has for me, I won't get it. But right now, I get it. And I feel so much love and I feel so loved. As I write this, I feel the love that I'm looking for, I know that's it's everywhere around me and I only need to open my heart to it to feel it. I need to keep my palms up and my eyes green and I need to let it in and out, in and out, as easy as breathing, as rhythmic as the sea, in and out and in and out, I need to let my Mother hold me to her chest the way she's been longing to for so long and like I've been longing to let her for so long. And I feel her, yes, I feel her, she is breathing into me the very best parts of her.

This is what I am working toward, bettering my Self, because I'm tired of spending everyday with the person that I've become. I want to be happy. I want it so much that I'm dying for it, but isn't that wrong? Isn't the point to be living with it?

So today, I am going to stop dying to be happy and start living to be happy.

After all, it says right on my arm-- "To live will be an awfully big adventure."

Zach: And End and a Beginning

Hey

So I'mma talk about the Beginning first. Tomorrow is the first day of school. That's kinda exciting I guess. Even if it is a national holiday and we should have the day off, but whatever. We always start on MLK Day. I'm over it. It snowed today/ last night. None of it stuck, but it was fun to walk in.

I don't really have anything else to talk about in the beginning section I guess, but I will come back to that.

So the End. Andrew and I are no longer anything more than friends at all. We are still good friends, but nothing is going to be more than friends. We both understand how the other one feels, and we both like each other (as people, not so much romantically anymore), but we aren't going to get back together. I don't think that things are going to change in that area of my life for a while. So although I still like him, I'mma move on. Still gonna spend time with him, but I am going to not think of any of it romantically anymore. It was nice while it lasted, but it's over now so.... there.

You guys have probably by now noticed all of the videos I have sent on facebook. Kinda because I am a little torn up by the whole Andrew thing. I have been unsure about us for a little while now, but we hadn't talked about it until today, so now we are both on the same page. But anyway. Making videos for other people helps me to keep my head clear, so... I did that.

But I guess this ending is the beginning of something else. I'mma take some time for myself now. I kind of talked about this in my last blog, but I have been feeling kind of empty for a while now, and I need some time to be selfish. I am not going to do anything for anyone else for a while. I am not driving anyone to the store. I am not ordering food for people (even if they pay for it). I am not planning anything unless it is for myself and no one else. I kind of feel terrible doing it, but I really need some time to be selfish. I need to do something for myself, and I don't need to give any more of myself to anyone else until I have some of it back for myself.

I love you guys. And I miss you.

Anna: Blah.

I just want it to be known that I really don't want to go back to Portland at all, and if I don't express this sentiment somewhere then I am going to end up breaking down and crying on the plane (a public place) which absolutely can't happen.

I just want to spend more time with my family and I don't think its fucking fair at all that everytime I leave I don't know when I'll see them again. I'm tired of busting my ass at school and in MUN only to have people continuously yell at and discourage me. I need a good long break from all this crap that makes me want to shove my head through a window.

I don't want to go back. I want to stay here and be with my family and chill.